Page 14 | Single SIL never hosting

Parker231 · 04/10/2025 21:13

Startrekobsessed · 03/10/2025 13:26

No it doesn’t mean she ‘has’ to but we are very much expected to so why isn’t she? I wouldn’t expect MIL to host every year that’s not fair on her either, she has to host SIL on the years we are with my family.

I understand the having it just our small family but frankly I like big family Christmases so don’t want to deprive my children of that, I’m just unsure why we aren’t spreading the load between 3 of us instead of 2

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Has your DH not spoken to his sister about this?

Bleachedlevis · 04/10/2025 21:34

dontmalbeconme · 04/10/2025 21:03

Well, yes, obviously fat, greedy people are always freeloading. Or maybe, more normally, it's usual for parents to welcome their children (of any age) into their home and enjoy treating them.

I bet you'll be bleating when they aren't prepared to sacrifice their lives to provide elder care.

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loll 🤣. No chance. They wouldn’t lift a finger to help anyone. And they ARE very fat and very greedy.
PS I don’t know why you infer that I think fat, greedy people are always free loaders. The two don’t necessarily go hand in hand.
Some greedy fatties stay at home and pay for their own takeaways.
I wouldn’t bother replying to me again because I shall just get sillier and sillier.

CrystalShoe · 04/10/2025 21:49

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 03/10/2025 17:46

we call it "mum and dad and gran are having Christmas lunch at ours this year"

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Yeah, I think talking of "hosting" is overly formal when referring to family. It sounds more like having a boss and his wife over for dinner. I would just say "have". As in, "We ways have my SIL for Christmas, but I wonder if she'd like to have us some years."

friendsDisUnited · 04/10/2025 21:58

@Bleachedlevis yes because people who struggle with their weight exclusively eat take aways. How else would they be so grossly overweight?

columnatedruinsdomino · 04/10/2025 22:02

Come on op, there's no way you would be in the kitchen with a BIL helping with the prep while your lazy dh just playing with the dc. You don't like the fact that another woman isn't taking a turn in sweating and stressing over Christmas. Get your dh to step up and organise Christmas, do the shopping, wrapping, hosting, prepping and then the 'mental load' would disappear and you wouldn't be so narked. It's not just women who need to 'take a turn' at Christmas.

dontmalbeconme · 04/10/2025 22:02

Parker231 · 04/10/2025 21:13

Has your DH not spoken to his sister about this?

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Surely the DH should step up and actually pull his weight, rather than pointing the finger at his sibling who does actually help out?

Kisskiss · 04/10/2025 22:03

Bleachedlevis · 04/10/2025 20:52

She is 48, her partner is 68. Simply not contributing wasn’t the issue. The issue was that they free loaded off everyone over the whole Christmas and NY and arrived empty handed to every friend or relatives house. Not even a bottle of wine or a box of chocolates.
We now invite them for a Christmas drink, mince pies and present swapping for an afternoon over the Christmas period. They now go to partners mother (late 80s) , allow her to make dinner and freeload off her. Not nice people actually.
They are also very fat and very greedy 😀

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That’s pretty appalling…. She’s 48. Should know better by now!!!!

AnaisVB · 04/10/2025 22:05

MungoforPresident · 04/10/2025 04:49

It may well be that she is not confident about her cooking abilities. I would not feel confident myself to host people. I could do the hospitality bit, making sure they had great rooms and home comforts etc, and were well looked after in all respects except cooking. I have never been a confident cook, and I suppose that some people who never had a hubby and kids have not got used to cooking for groups to that same proficient level.

It could be worth asking her would she host at hers if someone else cooks! But that is why you would like her to host for a change, so you get a break.

I'd gladly host people as I love social events at my home but anyone sampling my dinner for more than two people would be risking a disappointment! 😦

I was going to say the same . I have three sisters and two us like ‘hosting’ the entire massive family at times and two of my sisters really don’t feel confident. I think that’s fair enough. Especially asking one person to cook for so many.

ParmaVioletTea · 04/10/2025 22:25

Bleachedlevis · 04/10/2025 18:47

I understand what you mean, OP. It’s the idea that one person gets a free dinner every year. They seem to think that just one extra costs nothing but it does. She should offer something significant like buying the turkey.
My DH has relatives like this but I’ve fired them off now: his DD and her partner. Every year they were wined and dined Xmas Eve, Xmas Day and Boxing Day by various relatives. They contributed nothing and never did any Xmas food and drink shopping or cooking. They got an entirely free Xmas with no effort whatsoever.

This must be a satirical post!

Surely no sane or kind person thinks this way!

Pingu32 · 05/10/2025 00:37

Startrekobsessed · 03/10/2025 13:37

How have I judged her? I’m asking whether I can broach that she’s never hosted or whether it’s normal for people who live alone not to

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I am a single SIL with no children. When I was a kid, our parents told us where we were having Christmas - now my siblings' do what the kids want - and that's usually to stay at home. I would love them all to come to me for Christmas. Could she be scared to offer for fear of it being rejected? I know it always makes me feel inadequate.

Itsjustmethatsall · 05/10/2025 03:59

Can your sister in law cook? Is she happy cooking? I ask, because I'm the one who never hosts. The thought of cooking any kind of meal for lots of people terrifies me. This hatred of cooking for anyone else stems from childhood, and a critical mum, and I'm 65 now.
There are loads of reasons why your sister in law won't volunteer, but, if you're thinking of putting pressure on her to do so, it's not going to work. Oh, and please don't do what some of my family do, throw little remarks around about her not doing it, else she'll just dismiss the whole idea anyway.

dontmalbeconme · 05/10/2025 04:12

Itsjustmethatsall · 05/10/2025 03:59

Can your sister in law cook? Is she happy cooking? I ask, because I'm the one who never hosts. The thought of cooking any kind of meal for lots of people terrifies me. This hatred of cooking for anyone else stems from childhood, and a critical mum, and I'm 65 now.
There are loads of reasons why your sister in law won't volunteer, but, if you're thinking of putting pressure on her to do so, it's not going to work. Oh, and please don't do what some of my family do, throw little remarks around about her not doing it, else she'll just dismiss the whole idea anyway.

It doesn't matter if she can cook ( I'm sure she can!). As 1 out of 8, if she helps out at bit each year (as OP says she does), she's doing at least her fair share. Shame the same can't be said of OP's DH.

FluffyBenji23 · 05/10/2025 07:44

I love hosting Christmas ⛄ 🎁 and plan menus, table setting etc months in advance! I'm single but have a grown up daughter who is married with a little son. They hate ' hosting' as much as I enjoy it and when my Mum was alive I'd do it all for her and my sisters too. I always ask for contributions however as couldn't afford it on my own. I 🤔 ask your SIL to bring food or be responsible for some aspect of the day - perhaps the turkey or evening meal/snacks. It's a real cheek to attend every year and not contribute anything!

Bleachedlevis · 05/10/2025 07:59

Kisskiss · 04/10/2025 22:03

That’s pretty appalling…. She’s 48. Should know better by now!!!!

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I know. They are really grim. And I have totally detailed this SIL thread! Sorry to the OP.
Unfortunately, some posters are taking my other tongue-in-cheek responses too seriously. Mumsnet slays me sometimes and, occasionally, I cannot resist being provocative. I shouldn’t do it…

Bleachedlevis · 05/10/2025 08:03

ParmaVioletTea · 04/10/2025 22:25

This must be a satirical post!

Surely no sane or kind person thinks this way!

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Unfortunately, this post isn’t satirical. A couple of my other posts are satirical though which were my responses to people who ‘telling me off’ 🤣
Perhaps I should start another thread on freeloaders at Christmas but it’s probably been done to death.

PlumOrca · 05/10/2025 09:07

Startrekobsessed · 03/10/2025 13:14

The inevitable Christmas conversation has come in our household. We alternate between mine and my husbands family and this year it’s my husbands families ‘turn’. Sometimes we host and sometimes my MIL hosts.

I’ve noticed that my SIL has never hosted, in 15 years,, and I’m wondering if this is normal, it doesn’t feel it. When we host it’s usually just me doing the cooking because my husband has to entertain the kids (we tried to get in laws to do it but they just want to watch tv) so I don’t see the arguement that she’s one person and it would be too much work. She lives in a 3 bed house so has the space to host so I’m wondering why she doesn’t. It’s like I can see my life stretching out in front of me and us always hosting Christmas when in laws are eventually unable to, and her never needing to, just because we are a couple.

is this normal?? Should we try address it and suggest she hosts this/ one year? Grateful for your views!

Why does it bother you what someone else is doing? Maybe she doesn't want to host, that's her right. It doesn't make her a bad person. You don't have to host if you don't want to either.

I think it's more likely that she probably just prefers having Xmas in her mother's home. That's very normal from what I've seen with my adult friends who still have their parents - they still go to their family home for Xmas and the parents do it. Does SIL not help her mother cook and stuff?

Stop focusing on things that don't matter and looking for problems where there are none, and enjoy the fact you have a big loving family to spend Xmas with.

TwistedWonder · 05/10/2025 09:10

Luckyingame · 03/10/2025 13:30

So what?
Smart lady. You know, OP, I NEVER hosted in my life, and didn't miss much? 😂

Agree. I’m almost 60 and never ‘hosted’ in my life. I’d much rather spend Christmas on my own but do feel obliged some years to accept an invite.

vickylou78 · 05/10/2025 10:37

The thing is for her she would be adding a whole family to her table, which is a lot of work, whereas when you host her you are only adding one meal, which really isn't much extra work if you are cooking for your family anyway.

EmpressaurusKitty · 05/10/2025 10:56

TwistedWonder · 05/10/2025 09:10

Agree. I’m almost 60 and never ‘hosted’ in my life. I’d much rather spend Christmas on my own but do feel obliged some years to accept an invite.

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Yes. The past 2 Christmases have been me & my cat, neither was planned that way but I’ve thoroughly enjoyed them.

Calliopespa · 05/10/2025 13:11

ParmaVioletTea · 04/10/2025 22:25

This must be a satirical post!

Surely no sane or kind person thinks this way!

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Sadly, MN has taught me that people really do think like that.

I also have a friend who watches her spend when out. Fine. But she also watches everyone else's spend such that if someone "gets ahead" and orders an extra juice, she will say "Oh well I might as well have one too if I'm paying for others to have one." She never does have to pay as we always each pay for what we order, but even the fear of a possible even split is enough to have her driving up the total in proportion.

ToWhitToWhoo · 05/10/2025 13:46

MungoforPresident · 04/10/2025 04:49

It may well be that she is not confident about her cooking abilities. I would not feel confident myself to host people. I could do the hospitality bit, making sure they had great rooms and home comforts etc, and were well looked after in all respects except cooking. I have never been a confident cook, and I suppose that some people who never had a hubby and kids have not got used to cooking for groups to that same proficient level.

It could be worth asking her would she host at hers if someone else cooks! But that is why you would like her to host for a change, so you get a break.

I'd gladly host people as I love social events at my home but anyone sampling my dinner for more than two people would be risking a disappointment! 😦

Ditto here! I have always had co-ordination disabilities (which have sometimes been interpreted as 'just not bothering'), and find it very difficult to cook a big meal, so that everything comes out at the same time, and co-ordinate all the preparations efficiently.. And am very nervous about being observed and criticized over these things, in the same way that some people are afraid of exams or public speaking. I would actually rather sit a high-stakes exam than host a big dinner for a large and critical group at a perfectionist time of year. It's not so much fussy eaters as such who upset me, as people who may be harsh and critical about my physical awkwardness and inefficiency.

Like you, I'd be happy to host at my home if someone else takes charge of preparing the meal. Happy to help (so long as the host is patient with me), and to provide extra goodies.

Also, if the SIL lives on her own, her house may not be set up for large groups, or 'child-proofed'.

TorroFerney · 05/10/2025 15:00

columnatedruinsdomino · 04/10/2025 22:02

Come on op, there's no way you would be in the kitchen with a BIL helping with the prep while your lazy dh just playing with the dc. You don't like the fact that another woman isn't taking a turn in sweating and stressing over Christmas. Get your dh to step up and organise Christmas, do the shopping, wrapping, hosting, prepping and then the 'mental load' would disappear and you wouldn't be so narked. It's not just women who need to 'take a turn' at Christmas.

Spot on - "why is she not martyring herself like I am, she's not playing the female martyr game I don't like that". But if SIL did "host" and was fabulous I think that would go down like a lead balloon. Don't do things that make you feel resentful.

JHound · 05/10/2025 16:31

jonthebatiste · 03/10/2025 16:22

My single SIL never hosts and is quite open and jolly about the reasons for it.

(1) she can’t cook (this is true)
(2) she has a low stress life, and catering for 7-12 people is more stress than she can handle (3) if she can’t have the benefits of a family of her own, she doesn’t want the work of entertaining other people’s family
(4) she doesn’t want to spend the money after spending thousands over the years attending weddings and children’s birthdays and none of that reciprocated
(5) she likes being waited on by her parents because she finds her low stress single life stressful, and just wants a few days to regress to childhood. She’s 39.

I actually really like SIL, she’s a tremendous woman who has dealt with the cards life has thrown at her with real grace and courage. But she isn’t half mental sometimes 😂

How do you know she has a low stress life.

1offnamechange · 05/10/2025 17:01

some people on this thread could give scrooge a run for his money!

Nothing exemplifies the spirit of Christmas like begrudging a blood relative a few sprouts...

friendsDisUnited · 05/10/2025 17:09

1offnamechange · 05/10/2025 17:01

some people on this thread could give scrooge a run for his money!

Nothing exemplifies the spirit of Christmas like begrudging a blood relative a few sprouts...

But isn’t it equally stingy to refuse to host or contribute in any way.