Single SIL never hosting

[Startrekobsessed]

The inevitable Christmas conversation has come in our household. We alternate between mine and my husbands family and this year it’s my husbands families ‘turn’. Sometimes we host and sometimes my MIL hosts.

I’ve noticed that my SIL has never hosted, in 15 years,, and I’m wondering if this is normal, it doesn’t feel it. When we host it’s usually just me doing the cooking because my husband has to entertain the kids (we tried to get in laws to do it but they just want to watch tv) so I don’t see the arguement that she’s one person and it would be too much work. She lives in a 3 bed house so has the space to host so I’m wondering why she doesn’t. It’s like I can see my life stretching out in front of me and us always hosting Christmas when in laws are eventually unable to, and her never needing to, just because we are a couple.

is this normal?? Should we try address it and suggest she hosts this/ one year? Grateful for your views!

I could easily be single SIL, I rarely host but am happy to help out, take dishes, wash up etc.
The truth is that I’m really, really bad at hosting because I get stressed very easily and just hate every minute of it.
Also, I would struggle to afford it on my salary.
I’d be mortified if I found out my family members were moaning about me on the internet and thinking about how they can make me do it.
The bottom line is that nobody “has” to host, if you don’t want to do it anymore then say so and start discussing alternatives like going out somewhere, having a quiet Christmas then meeting for a buffet on Boxing Day or going away to a nice cottage together where everybody pitches in.
please don’t try to make somebody who isn’t comfortable do it though…you’ll just all end up miserable.

As a single childless person I'm finding some of these comments patronising. Offering to contribute or bring dishes like a single person would need help. Just because someone is childless and single doesn't mean they are shit at cooking or skint or need help hosting!

The last thing I would want are people in my kitchen, or bringing a dish or 'contributing'. A bottle of wine is fine, puddings, starters, mince pies would be seen as an insult to my cooking (I'm the baker in the family, I can also cook). If I'm hosting I do the whole lot. I'm also quite capable of cooking and dealing with my guests at the same time. Just because I'm single doesn't mean I can't do what a coupled up person can do.

Also if my sister in law got my brother to ask me to host (not that she would or he would) it would not go down well. I'd also be mightily peed off if she was discussing it on the Internet and trying to find ways of forcing me to host.

This is something your husband should be questioning, and if it bothers him, he needs to ask. Otherwise this is going to cause a rift if you are both at different view points on this. Maybe it is time to have the occasional Christmas just with your husband and kids.

Totally agree @xSideshowAuntSallyXx

And really, I think @Startrekobsessed needs to wind her neck in. Just because she likes a big family Christmas doesn’t mean she can impose it on all of her husband’s family.

Her SiL has to accept the OP because the OP is married to her brother. But the OP has no more rights to dictate how her husband’s family do Christmas.

If my SiL started talking about me as the OP is, or trying to tell me how my family should do Christmas, I’d be quite annoyed.

Those saying they aren’t prepared to host, why is it ok for you to be hosted by others? Very selfish imo.

No, OPs DH should be pulling his weight first, before questioning what others are or aren't doing. Once their own nuclear family unit are doing their fair share, it's up to MIL to talk to SIL if she wants extra help.

Because they are invited. Unless someone is turning up not having been invited then how is it rude? If you don't want to host people who don't reciprocate then don't invite them.

My brother and SIL have never hosted Christmas. Their house isn’t big enough to fit us all in. Doesn't make them or in any way unwelcome at ours.

I understand what you mean, OP. It’s the idea that one person gets a free dinner every year. They seem to think that just one extra costs nothing but it does. She should offer something significant like buying the turkey.
My DH has relatives like this but I’ve fired them off now: his DD and her partner. Every year they were wined and dined Xmas Eve, Xmas Day and Boxing Day by various relatives. They contributed nothing and never did any Xmas food and drink shopping or cooking. They got an entirely free Xmas with no effort whatsoever.

It’s her choice not to host as it is your choice not to. If it is a problem for you, say no. Your SIL doesn’t have to and probably doesn’t want to. I hate hosting, at Christmas it’s an absolute no. I grew up being carted around all over the place. Now I’m a parent, we stay put and see anyone of a morning who wants to drop in.

Have I understood your post correctly? Your husband no longer hosts his daughter for Christmas because she didn’t contribute?

that is unusual for a parent to take such a stance. And surely if she has poor manners that’s his fault, and his place to correct?

Why though? She can bring her own! There is a lot of infantilising of single women on here - they can’t cook, they might not like people in their home!

DH has a friend like this - he is a pain in the arse and DH has replied no when asked to host him on various occasions- he turns up empty handed, sits like King Tut demanding drinks and critiques our food. He has never invited DH over - never mind me and DS.

I imagine its financial and so others wouldn't expect her to? Occasions are expensive for single people eg I have to buy 5 presents for brother 1 family 4 for brother 2 etc etc. Dual income family in return have to buy one present for me from all. So to add to her burden of hosting would seem maybe unkind? Also her bills wont be much different to yours but only her to pay. Every month is much more expensive for single income households.

If we’re talking about the financial aspect only though - kids aren’t exactly cheap to take care of though are they? Out of my friends the ones with the most money to spend on themselves are childfree

Because they don't want to i assume.

Agree but this is Mumsnet where a load of women are doing everything under duress and being martyrs , it's all a choice isn't it. I have to no one else will - nope you don't have to, you are doing it because you get something out of it.

The single person should be the one paying for the most expensive item on the table that 8 people are eating (and no doubt there's family of 5 are keeping the leftovers)? Really?

No, a fair 1/8 contribution is more like the crackers, a bottle of wine and helping out a little in the kitchen on the day.

You choose to have kids, you pay for your kids. You can't seriously think that other people have to subsidise your choice to have kids!

Definitely not cheap. I am single solo parent/single income (well I do 2 jobs to increase earnings) and not sure if SIL has children. But even if she doesn't.. having no one to split bills with his really hard.

Yes exactly this 👏

I know that and don’t expect anyone to subsidise my
lifestyle that I have chosen. I was simply suggesting an alternative view that parents of children have loads of money to host. They usually don’t.

I buy presents for my friends from DS and well
as me as some of them also buy presents for DS.

well, maybe a pack of ready cooked turkey slices from Aldi 😀

She is 48, her partner is 68. Simply not contributing wasn’t the issue. The issue was that they free loaded off everyone over the whole Christmas and NY and arrived empty handed to every friend or relatives house. Not even a bottle of wine or a box of chocolates.
We now invite them for a Christmas drink, mince pies and present swapping for an afternoon over the Christmas period. They now go to partners mother (late 80s) , allow her to make dinner and freeload off her. Not nice people actually.
They are also very fat and very greedy 😀

Well, yes, obviously fat, greedy people are always freeloading. Or maybe, more normally, it's usual for parents to welcome their children (of any age) into their home and enjoy treating them.

I bet you'll be bleating when they aren't prepared to sacrifice their lives to provide elder care.

@mindutopia I am so sorry you have cancer and I hope you make a full recovery.

I don't understand why you put up with that bunch of freeloaders, especially for a week! That would drive me insane and, like you, I'd be livid for the year ahead (and the year after!) I wouldn't be able to have a civil conversation with them.

The single SIL probably assumes that no one would want to come to her house. It was like that for me before I got married (now divorced). In lots of families there's this assumption that the single person is only half a person, and so they don't do things like host. I'm single these days, and both before marriage and after I had plenty of plates and dishes and glasses etc. I once cooked a beef stew for extended family at my parents' house, and people were apparently surprised that I could do a stew for 8 and surprised at how nice it was. 🙄 Even though I was actually married at that time. I guess people think that non-mothers can't and don't cook.

There is a LOT of discrimination against single women. I also resent the oft-used term "singleton" in this thread. Partnered people aren't called doubletons. 😡 It's particularly stupid as its real meaning is a single foetus. You never heard of such an idiotic phrase applied to single people before Bridget Jones.

OP should ask SIL if she's interested in hosting. If yes, great. If not, I think it's understandable. OP is being unreasonable to think that SIL having 6-7 guests is anything like the same as OP just dishing up an extra plate.

Anyway, JUST FOR THE RECORD: I have a good range of different cereals in stock; I have plenty of guest towels; I have plenty of bedlinen, plates, dishes, cutlery and glasses - easily enough to host a dozen or more for dinner - and I can cook as well as any wife or mother. SO THERE!!!!