Over 4 years of broken sleep.. I've asked partner to take a break from running so I can rest, now he's grumpy.

[Taurini]

So long story short, our 4 year old daughter might possibly be suffering from sleep apnea and we are waiting for the results of a sleep study to then take the next steps.

4 years of broken sleep for me because our daughter is constantly waking up from choking on what I'm assuming is her giant tonsils and adenoids.. she's waking at least 2-3 times a night and it's rare she sleeps though a whole night.
My partner is a heavy sleeper and doesn't hear her and I only wake him if our daughter specifically asks for him or I've barely had any sleep as I know he works hard and needs his rest.

I'm beyond exhausted, it's messed up my body so much I'm having a heavy period every two weeks, I keep becoming anaemic and my hair is falling out so much I'm having to use rogaine.. I'm 34..

He's really into his running, has roughly an hour to himself every morning to run/work out.
He's recently been out for almost a whole weekend at a festival with a friend.
The other day he had been for almost a two hour run on a Saturday training for his next 10k run.
Then mentioned a half marathon and then a marathon.
I snapped.. its not fair hearing he has all this energy and all these plans when I don't even get a full night's sleep..so I've asked him if he'd stop his running until we get our daughter's sleep apnea sorted and watch her in a morning so I can get some rest.
He's stopped but is very grumpy about it and now on top of no sleep Im having to feel guilty..
Am I being unreasonable?

I can’t believe he hasn’t thought to offer for himself! What a selfish man and rubbish life partner! He sounds horrible! Please stop apologising, what you’ve asked is completely reasonable!

@Taurini an iron ferritin of 11 is HIDEOUSLY low, Op. in most European countries now, it is set at a minimum level of 50. Buy your own iron tablets and take them with vitamin c for absorption. Take away from foods. Ignore GP if/ when they tell you you don’t need them; they know jack shit about women’s bodies.

Also take a good quality multi vitamin tablet daily (ignore anyone who tells you you don’t need them)

...our 4 year old daughter might possibly be suffering from sleep apnea and we are waiting for the results of a sleep study to then take the next steps.

Sounds like they are listening to the GP though... It says so right here. These things take time. Bit judgy.

Not read anything else, as I wanted to respond without bias.

Oh diddums, he's upset. Poor little lamb. Fuck him! He has excess energy to go running, while you're running on empty and he's upset you've asked him to use the excess energy on your child, rather than you ...... well,who knows what will ultimately happen to you.... does he care?

YANBU!

I always say this but any time I hear of a woman going missing (and no foul play is suspected) I always say that I bet that woman has been crying out for a break for a long time and telling people she was struggling and no one listened, because from personal experience and also with my friends often the ones who are supposed to care and help don't, and they just let the woman struggle.

All we see are campaigns for mens mental health, never for women, even though for women stress is more likely to lead to physical health problems than it is for men so we have to deal with both mental health issues and physical too.

I had a time a few years back where I asked my ex for a few days rest, (it didn't have to be there and then, just when it suited him, so that I'd least have it to look forward to, and also he had many times before that (and after that) where he had many, many breaks from the kids when he was going through stuff, normally caused by himself). Anyway, I was told to fuck off.

I remember thinking at the time that if I was found with a noose over my neck that they'd just remove the noose and drop the kids home and leave them with me!

It's more the fact she sleeps walks and wakes me up, she has many night terrors and she doesn't remember any of the episodes.

This.. I've walked out the house before and left her with her dad and went for a walk through the woods and I've almost not returned.. I'm so so tired..

I'm taking over the counter iron, vitamin d, magnesium and eating as much iron as I can but I feel so drained.

Ah yes, it's clearly all my fault.

Also. A 10k training plan should not be involving two hour runs, hes taking the piss.

I have voted you are being unreasonable because you don’t seem to be holding your husband accountable. Unfortunately it’s very normal for children not to sleep at night and wake 1-2 times

• sleep apnea may be the cause here but there all sorts of reasons. I don’t know a single (responsive) mother that’s had a full night sleep since having kids. When my DH who did and does step up with every wake up goes down to settle I still wake from the movement or the noise! You need to book yourself into a hotel for a few nights and leave him to it. Maybe sleep next to your daughter so he can settle her!

You are correct, I told him so last night.
Hopefully things will change but I'm not holding my breath.

RE the sleep apnea - film all episodes and send to either the GP (ask for the ENT referral to be expedited) or if already under ENT send them to the secretary.
For severe sleep apnea they should prioritise your child, if she is waking so frequently it will be effecting her daily life too especially with starting school soon. My son had sleep apnea and after telling ENT how much it was effecting his every day life and how it was effecting his development they agreed to the adenoid, tonsil removal (and grommets)

Keep at it! It's tough but will be life changing for her.

No, you both need time to do your own thing. For you at the moment it might be sleep, for him
it might be a run. He doesn’t ‘get’ all the free time and he needs to help!

The fuck!? You DH sounds like a selfish prick on this one! It will affect his target times?! What about it affects your mental and physical wellbeing, your sanity, your life quality? He's a fucking joke, sorry!

OP, I'd stop doing anything for him: laundry, food. shopping, etc. If he can't be a team player, then you're not playing either. Just you and your daughter from now. No dinners when he come home, no clean laundry when he needs it, etc. He won't put your basic needs above his precious target times, then take the power back and put your needs above his!

Your husband's an ass. But just wanted to recommend Spatone, I use it for low iron (it helped me avoid needing blood transfusions), I take 2 per day in some fruit juice. It's a natural supplement, easily absorbed, and won't give you any tummy problems like tablets can.

“This is my situation and I cannot possibly understand how anyone’s situation could be different from my situation”!!!

You sound like you're at breaking point, I'm so sorry you've had such a hard few years.

I also can't believe your husband hasn't said once in 4 years, you look exhausted, let me do tonight etc. His behaviour is not that of a loving, affectionate, empathetic partner who cares about your health and well-being, both physical and mental. I'm only 11 months in but my baby wakes up an awful lot, always has, and my partner works away. When hes home you can bet your arse he does his fair share, yes he works, but a lot of jobs arent as difficult as being a SAHP to a baby, imo. To do your best job you need to have some sort of time to rest and recuperate.

What an absolute ARSE this man is. What a selfish little tosser. I hate him and I don’t even know him. How you have tolerated him for so long I do not know.

OP this is awful to read - sleep deprivation is horrific. Being a SAHM is also work. I don’t know what your partner does but assuming it is not 7 days a week, on his days off he should be getting up with your DD and letting you have a night off/7 hours sleep. Even if she wakes you, you should be able to fall back asleep if it isn’t your responsibility to get up with her.

my husband and I have the same job so we do one night on/one night off where it is our turn to get up with DS - we did this even when I was on maternity leave because being sleep deprived while caring for our son is as dangerous as him going to work in his office. You need some rest.

If you can afford it I would book a few nights at a premier inn to make up for the festival and just go......and sleep. Let him hold the reins for a couple of days. Friday night until Sunday afternoon. Upgrade to a nicer hotel if you can afford it.

You sound like you have been an absolute warrior. It made me upset to read you feel like that. You couldn't help that your daughter has a health problem and it sounds liie you have kept going - to the detriment of your health. Your partner has really let you down.

I believe it's true that parents with an ill or disabled child split more often and it's easy to see why when one parent fails to step up.

When your daughter starts school please take some time to rest/nap each day and try to catch up from.your disturbed night. When you have some energy try to get more investigations into your own health. I hope your daughters sleep/tonsil issue is addressed soon and you and your daughter can get the rest you need.

Personally I think your partner should do the getting up at 5am and letting you sleep every day and go running a couple of times each week in the evening. If he must go in the morning can you go to bed early in the evening sometimes and leave him to put your daughter to bed. Do whatever gets you through.

Try floradix for over-the-counter iron supplement, the liquid works the best, it actually works fairly quickly - a lot of tablets take months to build up any kind of improvement from low values such as yours.
Sounds like your B vitamins are probably very low too. Would your GP test them? Or else you could get an over-the-counter supplement with all B vitamins + cofactors to see if it makes any difference.

Hope you and your daughter both get what you need soon. Ours eventually got her tonsils and adenoids out - for the first few nights we kept running back to her room to check if she was okay because she went from snoring like an old man all night every night to complete silence. Now we all sleep through. Sending you all the moonbeams OP. 💫