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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Over 4 years of broken sleep.. I've asked partner to take a break from running so I can rest, now he's grumpy.

324 replies

Taurini · 02/09/2025 20:59

So long story short, our 4 year old daughter might possibly be suffering from sleep apnea and we are waiting for the results of a sleep study to then take the next steps.

4 years of broken sleep for me because our daughter is constantly waking up from choking on what I'm assuming is her giant tonsils and adenoids.. she's waking at least 2-3 times a night and it's rare she sleeps though a whole night.
My partner is a heavy sleeper and doesn't hear her and I only wake him if our daughter specifically asks for him or I've barely had any sleep as I know he works hard and needs his rest.

I'm beyond exhausted, it's messed up my body so much I'm having a heavy period every two weeks, I keep becoming anaemic and my hair is falling out so much I'm having to use rogaine.. I'm 34..

He's really into his running, has roughly an hour to himself every morning to run/work out.
He's recently been out for almost a whole weekend at a festival with a friend.
The other day he had been for almost a two hour run on a Saturday training for his next 10k run.
Then mentioned a half marathon and then a marathon.
I snapped.. its not fair hearing he has all this energy and all these plans when I don't even get a full night's sleep..so I've asked him if he'd stop his running until we get our daughter's sleep apnea sorted and watch her in a morning so I can get some rest.
He's stopped but is very grumpy about it and now on top of no sleep Im having to feel guilty..
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
DownWhichOfLate · 02/09/2025 21:01

Sounds like you work harder and are more in need of rest!

GeorgeClooneyshouldhavemarriedme · 02/09/2025 21:03

She's his daughter too.
You cannot possibly continue to function like this. He has to pull his weight.

Vgbeat · 02/09/2025 21:03

No you are not. Surely you could be given lies in if your doing the nights. He also could go running at a different time.

Mrsphilmiller · 02/09/2025 21:04

Sleep is more important than running

Cerialkiller · 02/09/2025 21:06

Jfc how can he be so oblivious! Definitely not unreasonable!!

alacarte · 02/09/2025 21:07

The sleep deprivation is so severe it's destroying your physical health. And he doesn't care. No, he's grumpy because having a child is cutting into him doing what he wants. That's the worst hardship going on here. Angry on your behalf. YANBU

Sailing8 · 02/09/2025 21:07

It’s unbelievable that you should even have to ask him, OP. He’s being disgustingly selfish and needs to man the fuck up. Sleep deprivation is no joke - you have nothing to feel guilty about!

Rickrolypoly · 02/09/2025 21:07

Another useless fucker. Never mind the running, he needs to start getting up at night. Amazing how so many men are "beany sleepers"
Any please go to the doctor. You don't get heavy periods every 2 weeks, something else is going on.

LG93 · 02/09/2025 21:08

Is there no happy medium? Are there any other points in the day/week to run, or could it not be every day? Or limit it to an hour rather than the 2 hour weekend ones? I'm not suggesting you should martyr yourself, or that now is the time for him to start marathon training, but if someone told me I wasn't allowed any time to exercise I would be grumpy too, particularly as I find it so beneficial for my mental health.

londongirl12 · 02/09/2025 21:09

Lack of sleep is horrendous. I suffered whilst my DS was small, and at one point I felt like I was going to die, I felt so awful. You need to sleep as and when you can.
not that I know anything about what DD is going through, but would raising her pillow help?

Mwnci123 · 02/09/2025 21:11

I think he should be doing his share overnight, then he could run as much as he could manage on top of that. Can you use ear plugs in/ move further away from her bedroom, and maybe he could sleep closer to her/ use a monitor to be more aware?

Lavender14 · 02/09/2025 21:11

Oof op no that's absolutely not sustainable. I think the first port of call is probably getting yourself to the gp to get a full mot done so that you are ensuring you aren't just putting an underlying health worry down to lack of sleep. It could be the sleep but best you've checked all bases to be sure.

The next thing I would look at is getting your dc minded by someone so you and your dh can sit down and look properly at family load weigh up and see who is responsible for what and how is down time being split evenly between you. You also work hard. It is essential that BOTH of you are getting actual proper down time in a sustained way.

What time to yourself do you currently get? Are you working any hours? Is dc in school now? Is there a disparity in the perceived importance of your jobs?

You need to be able to physically rest but also mentally rest. He's getting full nights sleep so his running is also about mentally clearing his head, getting endorphins and de-stressing which is why he's feeling the lack of it - but op ... you need the equivalent of this for YOU. So you need time for proper sleep and then down time for you to be awake and resting your brain. You are running at full capacity 24-7 and this is burnout. He needs to really understand the severity of it and that means not guilting you (even unintentionally) because his priority should be the welfare of his wife and mother of his child. You are the literal cog that keeps everything turning and that's what supports him to do all he does. His cog needs to turn a little harder to ease the load.

OneNewLeader · 02/09/2025 21:12

Can you not agree to alternate nights? I’d be more inclined to police that time?

Lavender14 · 02/09/2025 21:14

Also this isn't him "watching her" he's parenting his child. He's not doing you a favour in this and it's incredibly sad if he sees it that way.

Original poster
Taurini · 02/09/2025 21:14

Because he's been so grumpy I've apologised and have said he can run next week but twice a week I need him to not run so I can catch up on sleep or if I've not slept the night before I'd appreciate him not running.
He's still grumpy though.💁
Id love to have the energy to take care of my physical and mental health too you know?
Seems like is should be a luxury for me but a necessity for him? Why is that?

OP posts:
Overwhelmedandunderfed · 02/09/2025 21:15

He can still go running as long as he gets up in the night 50% of the time would be the solution I would be suggesting. How disgusting that he can watch his wife lose her hair and be exhausted and then talk about running marathons. Men are so gross to me. My partner just asked me why I was going for a walk (20 minutes and he was playing a video game) when I returned from my walk he was stood with his shoes on because apparently he wanted to go for a walk 😂

napody · 02/09/2025 21:16

Are you getting a weekend in return for the festival? This weekend in a hotel, with full nights sleep and lie ins? He can share a room with her or she can go in to him if she wakes? You need a catch up before you go downhill, then maybe you'll feel OK to alternate mornings after that... but see how you go.

mummytrex · 02/09/2025 21:17

You shouldn't have even needed to ask him! He should have bloody stepped up without prompting. Instead he has watched you grind yourself into the ground and now has the audacity to be grumpy when you've asked him to pull his weight? Does he actually have any use?

Crunchienuts · 02/09/2025 21:17

Why are you doing all the wake ups? Running is not really the issue here. Tell him he can go running if he alternates nights with you. Your daughter is four, she’s not a tiny baby! Go and stay at your parents or hotel for a weekend and get some sleep. Spareroom with earplugs (if you have one). Please do something to ensure that you get at least a couple of nights unbroken sleep a week.

Mmhmmn · 02/09/2025 21:18

So he can run for less time and spend a some of his ‘me’ time being a father. Boo bloody hoo. Don’t even think about feeling guilty!

Nearly50omg · 02/09/2025 21:18

Why on earth haven’t you had her adenoids and tonsils removed by now?!?! THAT is number 1!!! Even if you have to pay to go private! If he can afford to pay for marathons he can afford to pay for surgery for his child!
2 - he’s a CUNT! A selfish arsehole!! Remind him that it’s also HIS child and if - when - you get divorced then he will be doing 50% of everything for her including getting up 3-4 times a week!

Comtesse · 02/09/2025 21:18

LG93 · 02/09/2025 21:08

Is there no happy medium? Are there any other points in the day/week to run, or could it not be every day? Or limit it to an hour rather than the 2 hour weekend ones? I'm not suggesting you should martyr yourself, or that now is the time for him to start marathon training, but if someone told me I wasn't allowed any time to exercise I would be grumpy too, particularly as I find it so beneficial for my mental health.

When your partner was on their knees with exhaustion and damaging their health?? The priority needs to be OP’s health now, she sounds seriously unwell.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 02/09/2025 21:19

He is taking the piss.
Book yourself a night away, if that doesn't teach him, do it again.
It is awful when your DC is suffering from sleep apnea. She'll be a new child when she eventually has her tonsils removed.
Best of luck.

AffableApple · 02/09/2025 21:21

Please, please book a GP appointment about your fortnightly heavy period. That isn't normal.

Also, your husband is a selfish cunt.

Mumptynumpty · 02/09/2025 21:23

What is this bollocks of "he works and needs his sleep"?

You need sleep in equal amounts. Caring for children is bloody hard. Harder than working in a job where you get a tea break and lunchtime. I always considered going to work a break from the hard task of raising my children.

Don't be a martyr. You're showing him how to treat you and it's not good. Of course you would assume he would make sure you had enough rest, but he's demonstrating that he couldn't give a flying fig about that. So why are you erasing your fundamental human needs to please him?