Over 4 years of broken sleep.. I've asked partner to take a break from running so I can rest, now he's grumpy.

[Taurini]

So long story short, our 4 year old daughter might possibly be suffering from sleep apnea and we are waiting for the results of a sleep study to then take the next steps.

4 years of broken sleep for me because our daughter is constantly waking up from choking on what I'm assuming is her giant tonsils and adenoids.. she's waking at least 2-3 times a night and it's rare she sleeps though a whole night.
My partner is a heavy sleeper and doesn't hear her and I only wake him if our daughter specifically asks for him or I've barely had any sleep as I know he works hard and needs his rest.

I'm beyond exhausted, it's messed up my body so much I'm having a heavy period every two weeks, I keep becoming anaemic and my hair is falling out so much I'm having to use rogaine.. I'm 34..

He's really into his running, has roughly an hour to himself every morning to run/work out.
He's recently been out for almost a whole weekend at a festival with a friend.
The other day he had been for almost a two hour run on a Saturday training for his next 10k run.
Then mentioned a half marathon and then a marathon.
I snapped.. its not fair hearing he has all this energy and all these plans when I don't even get a full night's sleep..so I've asked him if he'd stop his running until we get our daughter's sleep apnea sorted and watch her in a morning so I can get some rest.
He's stopped but is very grumpy about it and now on top of no sleep Im having to feel guilty..
Am I being unreasonable?

It’s definitely not normal to fantasise about dying because you’re so tired and run down. I’ve had 4 kids - one with severe chronic tonsillitis and sleep apnea and whilst I was tired, fucking exhausted a lot of the time, I didn’t feel as bad as op clearly does.

And those asking why she hasn’t had the tonsillectomy yet - GPs are awful at referring to ENT. My then 3 year old son hadn’t gained any weight in a whole year because he was constantly vomiting because of his enormous tonsils triggering his vomit reflex, he wasn’t sleeping and was constantly ill - the GP didn’t seem to think that was a problem. When in desperation I asked him to refer us to a private ENT he responded with ‘what do you think they’ll do?’ We did go and see the private ENT who said my son’s tonsils were extremely bad and offered ti remove them the following week. We scraped the money together but not everyone can.

OP you need to see the GP again, for both you and your child and make a complaint if your health concerns aren’t taken seriously. I hope your husband steps up and becomes the partner you deserve.

I've suggested this, or taking the dog on his runs.. but he states "he's trying to beat his target times and this would affect them..."

I'm so sorry you had to go through all that, Its like people think women are machines and not people at times.
I hope you're doing much better now xx

Has ENT seen your daughter is tonsils are grade 3/4 they will often remove them without waiting for a sleep study, my childs ENT app was in july,adenoids and tonsils removed in august and what a difference it has made, she would gag and vomit when eating etc too. As for your husband- needs to prioritise his child and family time over his fun time. Get yourself checked out ask for ultrasound scan and hormone panel,bloodcount etc- good luck!

Unfortunately they don't remove them here unless a sleep study shows apnea or frequent tonsillitis.

I've suggested this, or taking the dog on his runs.. but he states "he's trying to beat his target times and this would affect them...

A four-year-old in a buggy isn't really reasonable for either of them (running with a baby is one thing but a child is quite another).
However, unless you have a particularly slow or frequently-stopping pet, he should be taking the dog!

May I suggest you're focusing on the wrong thing here though, OP. Your husband's running isn't the main problem as it should be what, a max of an hour a day and maybe two on a weekend. The problem is the other 23 hours a day where he needs to be pulling equal weight.

I would also insist on finding your own hour a day for whatever exercise you like, as it does wonders for your mental and physical health. I speak from experience on that front.

He's a dick then. Sorry you're suffering OP

So his pb comes at the detriment to your health.

It would appear so.
My needs aren't as important as his it seems.

Yes I need sleep, that is the issue.
But he can't get up in the night as he works.. so he should cut back on his running so I can at least get a couple of solid hours in the morning.
It's not forever, and he can always use the exercise bike and weights at home if needed.

Be glad you only have one child with this selfish piece of shit.
What a loser.

Not trying to make you feel worse, but my partner gave up the gym and golf as soon as our baby was born. He’s 20 months now and he still hasn’t gone back to the gym and goes to golf maybe once a month now. Our baby sleeps through the night, but he doesn’t think it’s fair leaving me to get up and have to get both myself and our child ready for work/ nursery while he gets to do something for himself. I’ve told him I’m happy for him to go 3 times a week (maybe he’s just got lazy) - so don’t feel bad or guilty about asking for this! We had years of time for ourselves before children and before long we will have this time again. Make sure he pulls his weight or it will end up ruining your own enjoyment of her childhood - you don’t want to look back and the overwhelming memory be how awful you felt all the time!

It's lovely to hear there's some good ones out there & that you've got the support you deserve 💕

I've said similar things to my partner, he has plenty of time in the future to start running, he didn't run when we had met, he's only started since we've had a baby and he did a charity run for work and decided he enjoyed it.
He used to just go to the gym, we have weights and a weight bench here so that he could have days working out at home when I had the baby, then all of a sudden the running has taken over.
I cried last night about how our daughter starts full time school next week and I felt like I didn't enjoy a second with her because I was so tired and even resented her at times because of it and I feel so guilty, if he'd had helped me out and let me sleep it might have been so different. I'm devastated.
& I'm very very tired..

It’s a horrible feeling! My son was a horrendous sleeper, up every hour or so for the first 8 months and it really took such a toll on my mind. We ended up sleep training which transformed life but I feel so guilty and sad about how I didn’t enjoy those 8 months and the horrible thoughts I had. Lack of sleep does awful things to the mind and you’ve had it longer than most. Are you a SAHM? I hoping you are and can get some rest when your daughter starts school - at least that might help you feel your best for the time you do have together. I’m sorry it’s been so hard for you 😞

I'm sorry, but what a selfish man he is.

She's 4 she should be resettling herself at night she's not a baby!
And yes my child had sleep apnea until 6 we still got full nights sleep as parents because we listened to Drs and got my daughter a sleep apnea machine!

Because you have let him get away with it? You have given in already.

Tell him you’re taking a weekend away to sleep. Book into a hotel and leave him to parent. Don’t ask him tell him

Many women work after a disturbed nights sleep- unless he is a surgeon or something similar he should suck it up. How the hell has he not seen or cared how physically and mentally wrecked you are after no sleep?

Ignore the strops. Leave him if he doesn’t seriously buck his ideas up. At least then you would have every other weekend to yourself!

I have voted YABU because I think YABU to not have made him share the disturbed sleep over the last four and a half years or however long it has been.

It isn't the running that is the issue, it is the fact that YOU are doing all the night wakings.

My partner is a heavy sleeper and doesn't hear her

If my dh had tried to claim that, he'd have been woken by me pushing him out of bed each time.
Alternatively he could have slept in our child's room on alternate nights so he was able to hear a bit better.

Please stop saying that because he works he can’t get up in the night. He can.

I had nearly 14 years of broken sleep. Every night. It’s completely changed me, but the difference was that my other half and I were in it together, and even when I was the stay at home parent he still managed it with me. When I told him that 10+ wakes a night while he was working away 5 nights a week were breaking me, he gave notice and found another job.

My point is, he’s being a shit parent and a shit husband, but you’ve enabled him to be shit with the whole ‘I need to do all the wakes because he works’.

You don’t.

I’d buy a running buggy so he can still continue his hobby, you get to rest properly alone at home without distraction and your child gets fresh air and time with her dad. Win win

At the height of my son's 6-8 wake ups a night, and no help 24/7 and my EX accusing me of having PNS.

I said I was just sleep deprived and needed sleep as I'd had no sleep throughout the 3rd trimester.

I booked a hotel went to sleep at 7pm and woke up at 12pm late checkout. I'd slept through.

He was shocked how my mood had lifted on my return.

So have a weekend away to make up for his festival.

And he should do Friday and Saturday night shifts and you do Sunday at the very least? If not 50%>
Invest in some industrial earplugs and eye mask and make it clear it's his responsibility.

Deep sleeping is not a thing, and by that I mean it's been scientifically proven waking up for a baby and child is not a female trait. It's a learned behaviour. It's a learned behaviour for men too, they just chose not to because we cover it.

It's going to be hard but your physical mental health IS necessary, and not optional his oblivion is more out of selfishness than about prioritising himself. Also the moods are manipulation tactic to get you to drop it and look it's already working your showing him if he sucks you give in.

Don't back down this is worth enduring his tantrums because your health IS too important.

You just cannot live for that long on such broken sleep without any support from him, it just makes you feel you are losing mind. There's a reason sleep deprivation is a form of torture.

I train for half-marathons on three runs a week and shared getting up in the night/early for our elderly and sick dog for three years with DH, for goodness sake. If I couldn't make running work, I didn't blooming well go. I cannot imagine either of us just naffing off and letting the other get on with it for a pet, let alone a child!