Over 4 years of broken sleep.. I've asked partner to take a break from running so I can rest, now he's grumpy.

[Taurini]

So long story short, our 4 year old daughter might possibly be suffering from sleep apnea and we are waiting for the results of a sleep study to then take the next steps.

4 years of broken sleep for me because our daughter is constantly waking up from choking on what I'm assuming is her giant tonsils and adenoids.. she's waking at least 2-3 times a night and it's rare she sleeps though a whole night.
My partner is a heavy sleeper and doesn't hear her and I only wake him if our daughter specifically asks for him or I've barely had any sleep as I know he works hard and needs his rest.

I'm beyond exhausted, it's messed up my body so much I'm having a heavy period every two weeks, I keep becoming anaemic and my hair is falling out so much I'm having to use rogaine.. I'm 34..

He's really into his running, has roughly an hour to himself every morning to run/work out.
He's recently been out for almost a whole weekend at a festival with a friend.
The other day he had been for almost a two hour run on a Saturday training for his next 10k run.
Then mentioned a half marathon and then a marathon.
I snapped.. its not fair hearing he has all this energy and all these plans when I don't even get a full night's sleep..so I've asked him if he'd stop his running until we get our daughter's sleep apnea sorted and watch her in a morning so I can get some rest.
He's stopped but is very grumpy about it and now on top of no sleep Im having to feel guilty..
Am I being unreasonable?

Why do you need to stay awake? What are you afraid might happen? Isn’t there any technology you can use to help? A family friend had a pulse oximeter that linked to an app that sounded an alarm if he husband had a seizure or stopped breathing in the night.

It’s not sustainable for either of you or your DH to stay awake just watching your DD. Yes he could help but you’ll both be shattered then and he has to work.

I wouldn’t mess about with over the counter stuff, you need ferrous fumarate or sulphate - you can buy it yourself and take it with vitamin c

OP does work, she's raising a child, a child who is up frequently every single night. OP hasn't slept properly in over 4 years!!! But sure, because she's not being PAID for the work she does, you think she's being unreasonable to need her 'partner' to actually do some parenting to give her a break, what with her suffering such ill effects of long-term sleep deprivation? Dick.

Advice with iron supplements- sorry if this has been posted before.

Some forms of iron are better absorbed than others, iron bisglycinate is especially good and best in liquid form. I like betteryou iron 10mg or Natures Aid Mini Drops Iron. The latter also contains vitamin c.

It’s hard to digest and process iron if there’s inflammation in the body. Poor sleep quality can raise inflammation, so this might be part of why you have a good diet but low ferritin. This makes it especially important for your partner to support you with better sleep. You could also try taking a cod liver oil with vitamin A supplement alongside iron. This has been shown to increase iron absorption in some people, which is thought to be through lowering inflammation.

Taking a double dose of iron every OTHER day has been shown to be better absorbed with less side effects, rather than a single dose every day.

If not possible to get a doctor to prescribe iron, you could try take a similar dose of over the counter iron to what would normally be prescribed and ask for a blood test in three months. I can’t tolerate the iron prescribed to me. My ferritin is 13, I’ve been prescribed ferrous fumerate 100mg to take daily. Instead I’m taking 100mg of over the counter liquid iron bisglycinate every other day.

Lots of things block absorption, especially dairy (calcium), tea and coffee. Take iron 4 hours apart from these, and preferably first thing on an empty stomach if tolerated.

He is taking the piss.

Poke him every time your child wakes in the night from now on. He needs to get up and parent 2-3 times a night for the next two months.

Marathon running indeed, when you are anemic and your hair is falling out.
You are a single married woman and he's a single married man.

She works 24/7/365.

She gets so little rest that she is anemic and her hair is falling out.

And she would be getting no rest even if she had a day job, because her pillock of a husband is a thoughtless, selfish oaf.

No amount of money earned entitles you to sleep through four years of your child waking 2-3 times a night.

NICE guidelines for iron deficiency say ferritin below 30 is an absolute deficiency. Below 100 deficiency can't be ruled out.

You can buy standard iron tablets from a pharmacy (online / at a counter). For best absorption take on an empty stomach and wait a couple of hours before eating / drinking anything other than water. There's an argument that they should be taken with a vitamin c tablet for better absorption. A glass of orange juice doesn't contain enough vitamin C according to that argument. The tablets will make your poo greeny black - that's expected. They also cause both diarrhoea and constipation in different people. Taking a tablet every other day is recommended if you're struggling with the digestive implications of a daily tablet.

First line treatment for heavy periods is a hormonal IUD - this is worth investing. Progesterone only pills are also an option if the ones you didn't like were combined pills.

If you don't want any hormones, they should offer tranexamic acid to reduce blood loss. You can take that with a NSAID (ibuprofen/naproxen etc) which also helps reduce the bleeding.

If your GP isn't good, consider a sexual health clinic - emphasise that you need contraception as they're often not funded for heavy periods. That won't really be untruthful because you won't want pregnancy whilst your iron stores are so low.

Sleeping all day while your child is at school will do funny things to your body clock because of the lack of sunlight you'll see. But sometimes needs must temporarily. You will need a longer term solution eventually.

But he is getting his mental health support at the expense of his wife.

once my ferritin was at 22 and I felt like death. extremely tired, had to nap during the day, didn't even manage to work my 5h part time job, our of breath.

I guess, you are more exhausted because of lack of iron than sleep.

Have you had investigations for your frequent periods? I would never put it down to lack of sleep and really doubt it's related (one of mine is severely autistic and I didn't get much sleep for the first 10 years as DC as needed hours to fall asleep and was up with the birds, I mainly slept on the floor next to them).

I have severe endometriosis (I pushed for a referral as I had very heavy and frequent periods). You need to get to the bottom of frequent periods. In the meantime, ferrous sulphate 3x a day to get your iron up.

Have you thought about a private appt for your daughter. My son had huge tonsils which caused him to wake all the time. I got a private appt really quickly and dr said he needed tonsils removed so put us back on the nhs waiting list for the operation which wasn’t too long a wait.

Has anyone asked why on earth he's running 2 hour training sessions for a 10k?!

For a bloke, running 10k would take about 45 minutes.

He's lying about what he's doing.

She does work, she’s just not paid for it. If she were employed as a nanny you wouldn’t say she doesn’t work. If she were employed as a housekeeper and cook you wouldn’t say she doesn’t work. Yet because she is unpaid you think her labour is trivial? If she were employed as a nanny she’d get days off too.

to be fair, child is in school all day and OP is at home. Both of mine have disabilities, one is severely disabled and I go to work Monday to Friday (term time only) and it's extremely exhausting. One is a very bad sleeper. The quality of my life would hugely improve if I didn't have to work. not working when you have a child in school does make a massive difference. The OP needs to sort her gynae issue which likely are responsible for the low iron. I have been there. It turned my life around!

Sorry OP, I haven't read the thread but your first post has moved me to rage.
You're so anaemic that your hair ia falling out and your wee one is waking in the night because she can't breathe, which must be frightening and uncomfortable for her.
Whatever the cause, neither of you are well. A good husband and father should be caring for both of you, not getting into a mood because he's not getting to go out running.

YANBU. I do nights and my DH does mornings, it’s a completely fair swap.

Just on this idea of 'he can't get up in the night because he works', unless he's a brain surgeon or pilot where people will die if he's too tired,he can get up in the night and work. All the working mothers do this. I went back to work with a very poor sleeper, it was tough, but I managed.

My child is not in school full time, she's in nursery from 8.45am - 11.20pm.. and it's the summer holidays ATM, she will be in school full time starting next week.

For the first couple of days at least ignore the housework and just have a sleep, you could get 3/4 hours in the morning then do a few bits before pick up in the afternoon. If do complains say it’s your time to start marathon training which starts with catching up on 4 years of sleep deprivation

Child is at nursery for 3 hours a day. OP should get some sleep then, of course, but it won't be enough. And she is working 24/7.

That's really low. No wonder it's making you feel bad. If you can afford it I recommend getting an iron infusion done privately.

Having 3 hours away from her child at nursery doesn't necessarily equate to being able to sleep for those 3 hours.
Being sleep deprived isn't the same as being able to sleep at any available time!

Im a runner and I know how much it helps mental health but when DC were young that meant having to fit it round their needs. Your DH also could potentially take the dog out for a run on some days, a training plan usually includes easy days, you aren't meant to be chasing a time on every run. I'd even question if a half marathon plan included a 2 hr run because you'd likely start with a long run of 7 miles and build up, and that is very unlikely to take 2 hours....

....but all of that is semantics
The crux of it is that he's overlooking the detrimental effect on your emotional, mental and physical health, and prioritising his running. It would still be possible to train for a 10k or half marathon on 3 runs a week, and that would leave 4 mornings to support you and DD. (Or every morning if he arranged to run at another time!)

But also agree with pp about persisting with GP for yourself and your DD.

OP does work she just doesn’t get paid. however you’re missing the point, her health is declining due to her oh’s steps to improve his own

I don’t think a divorce would be unreasonable this point. He sounds incredibly selfish. You’ve quite literally been decimated to a point where you’re unwell while he makes his own plans and thrives.

Me and my husband have same issues with his gym time and I’ve suggested a trial break up as I’m doing it alone anyway and could do without the extra workload that comes with him living in the same house as us.

I sympathise. He sounds like an ass.

To add - if you run that frequently you absolutely don’t need that amount of time to train.