Over 4 years of broken sleep.. I've asked partner to take a break from running so I can rest, now he's grumpy.

[Taurini]

So long story short, our 4 year old daughter might possibly be suffering from sleep apnea and we are waiting for the results of a sleep study to then take the next steps.

4 years of broken sleep for me because our daughter is constantly waking up from choking on what I'm assuming is her giant tonsils and adenoids.. she's waking at least 2-3 times a night and it's rare she sleeps though a whole night.
My partner is a heavy sleeper and doesn't hear her and I only wake him if our daughter specifically asks for him or I've barely had any sleep as I know he works hard and needs his rest.

I'm beyond exhausted, it's messed up my body so much I'm having a heavy period every two weeks, I keep becoming anaemic and my hair is falling out so much I'm having to use rogaine.. I'm 34..

He's really into his running, has roughly an hour to himself every morning to run/work out.
He's recently been out for almost a whole weekend at a festival with a friend.
The other day he had been for almost a two hour run on a Saturday training for his next 10k run.
Then mentioned a half marathon and then a marathon.
I snapped.. its not fair hearing he has all this energy and all these plans when I don't even get a full night's sleep..so I've asked him if he'd stop his running until we get our daughter's sleep apnea sorted and watch her in a morning so I can get some rest.
He's stopped but is very grumpy about it and now on top of no sleep Im having to feel guilty..
Am I being unreasonable?

Sleep deprivation causes delayed or missed periods, not intermenstrual bleeding. There must be more going on with your physical health than sleep deprivation. Are you sure you don’t have a gynaecological condition like endometriosis? I think you need to see your GP and not let it all be fobbed off on interrupted sleep.

On the running, 1hr a day in the morning isn’t going to make a difference to your sleep deprivation at all so while yanbu to need a change because you’re at your wits end, I think your solution is not a solution but only adding to the overall stress of the situation. I don’t see why you can’t split the night into shifts- say he takes care of DD if she wakes up between 9 and 1am and you do 1:01am onwards. I read he is a heavy sleeper, so what, just wake him up- the time to wake him up and push him towards DD and then going back to sleep is less than getting up for a wee. It’s not the waking up, it’s the getting up, taking care of DD and then trying to get back to sleep after being up.

Go and book yourself into a hotel for the weekend. This is making you very unwell.

Ha ha - yes I remember my exh deciding that all I needed was to get some more exercise when I was doing all the night wakings with very ill baby dd.

While cycle length can shorten or lengthen in peri, it doesn’t shorten from 28days to 14days!

I absolutely feel your pain. DD only slept for 45 mins at a time for 5 years!!! She had food allergies which caused extra mucus production/breathing issues and docs suspected she had a narrowed windpipe. I cannot remember how many ambulance journeys we had as she wasnt breathing and turning blue.

Docs decided to do a procedure to scope & measure windpipe. As she would be under anaesthetic they decide to remove tonsils & adenoids at the same time. It was miraculous.Within 2 weeks of op she was sleeping 10 hours! Sleep apnea gone, now meeting growth and weight targets and I'm human again. If you can stretch to private procedure do it, it is life changing.

If your not at all dear husband isnt helping his wife and child he is either a totally selfish manchild or actually intellectually challenged. I hope you are letting him read this thread. You need to sit him down and ask him why he cares so little for you he continues to let you suffer? Please do not consider further children with this man.

I would seriously be considering if I could live a life with someone who cares for and respects me so little.

Taking care of your physical health is a necessity for both of you. That’s why the solution to this isn’t to sacrifice his health too. Your DD needs both of you to be healthy.

He’s being a shit husband and dad. The running is a separate thing because stopping running won’t necessarily mean he gets up during the night which is what he needs to be doing. I think you’re perhaps just seeing the running as the issue when it isn’t.

One of our kids has a condition that means overnight attention/care and we take it in turns religiously each night.

I'm beyond exhausted, it's messed up my body so much I'm having a heavy period every two weeks, I keep becoming anaemic and my hair is falling out so much I'm having to use rogaine.. I'm 34

Jesus. This is seriously impacting your hormones. It sounds like your anaemia is so bad that you need intravenous iron. You can get that btw, but you might have to push for it.

You need to alternate nights where you are in charge of DD's waking. If he still has the energy he can go running, or do it every second day.

I do understand the running widow thing. My DH went through a phase until he realised we were all getting on with life without him and he was missing out. It's so selfish, even if it's a perfectly reasonable hobby when it's in balance with life.

I don't know about that. Good to have this checked out anyway, and I can attest to the delay you speak of, but I read studies of (men I think), whose testosterone was significantly depleted by insomnia, and it took a few weeks for them to fully recover.

If it lowers testosterone like that in women too, that means that estrogen could be lowered or other hormones could be lowered too (since estrogen is made out of testosterone).

Isn’t he a peach 🍑?

I don’t think he has to give up the running provided he can do his fair share of wake ups as well. I’d seriously be either booking myself into a premier inn once a week, or at the very least sleeping somewhere else for 50% of the time (dining room, spare room etc) and asking him to sleep in with her so he has no choice other than to wake up.

If he can do his fair share as well as the running then that’s his decision.

Simply because he's demanding it and you're apologising for it.

This is necessity for both of you and your dc deserves to grow up seeing that women are not just worker bees and that you also deserve to rest and self care so your dd grows up knowing how to do this. This is your opportunity to teach her what a healthy relationship with yourself as a woman and a parent and a wife is and it's your dhs opportunity to teach her what she should expect from her future partners and how they should champion and care for her. I don't think this is always easily recognised by men because they are raised to take and to expect women to ask but this is unconscious bias at play (giving him the benefit of the doubt here). But he is being selfish. I worked with two women with young families who ran on their work lunch break every day in order to be present for the rest of the time for what was needed of them. He can make it work if he really wanted to within the context of being a parent and a husband. Noone said the juggling was easy, but this is what he signed up for.

It sounds absolutely miserable for you OP, you have my sympathy. There’s nothing worse than lack of sleep, and obviously the effect on your own physical & mental health.

However….. is it really just the running, ie would him being there for an extra hour each morning really make a difference? It sounds like it’s the broken sleep is the killer here, and presumably you’d still be waking up each time, unless you take turns sleeping in your DD’s room. I doubt an hour lie in will make you feel much better. I say this as a night shift worker who also has young DC - I generally feel like shit whether I sleep or not! Does your DD go to school and if so, can you nap then? You didn’t mention in the OP (unless I missed it) if you both work outside the home.

Don’t be an idiot and a martyr - he is her father - why does he not care about her and you - why are you even still with this useless idiot? Honestly?

Plus I also think if he's just had a festival weekend then next weekend you take yourself to a hotel for a good night's sleep alone. To me, these things are banked in the understanding that your co parent will return the favour

Have you been to a dr about your periods? It could be a sign of early menopause. Also, if you're bleeding that often there's a good chance that your iron levels are low. Even if you are not anaemic, low iron can make you feel truly awful and exhausted. There are lots of options in terms of the bleeding. I'm on tranexamic acid which has reduced the bleeding. Am also on 2 x iron tablets a day with orange juice. My iron levels are still low, but have doubled in the last few months and i cannot believe how much better I feel for it.
That's the first thing that i would do. I would also ensure that he does at least 2 night shifts a week. He could get an inexpensive running machine if he wants to continue running whilst balancing it with childcare. Or he could just run at more convenient times.

If I were the partner in this situation I would be looking after DD for a good chunk of every weekend so you could get some unbroken sleep. I'd also be making sure you got some time to sleep in the evenings or mornings.

Completely shocking to me that he can see how sleep deprivation is making you ill and hasn't realised he needs to take responsibility as both a partner and dad here.

And lowered estrogen delays periods, or temporarily stops them. As seen in PCOS or chemically induced menopause.

Another selfish dick.

Please speak to a dr as I think your symptoms are beyond the usual tiredness and sleep deprivation. It’s very easy to just assume things are because you’re a mother with young children. My youngest nearly killed me- didn’t sleep through until she went to school but I didn’t have anything like your symptoms.

You obviously need your husband to step up too but don’t just automatically dismiss everything as sleep related.

Bleeding every two weeks is not a sign of early perimenopause. It needs a full medical check as that is not normal. More likely to be something like fibroids.

He should do overnight on Friday and Saturday night each week so you get to rest.

Me and my DP did LOADS of exercise before kids. Now with a 4yo and a 2yo (both who’ve been terrible sleepers) neither of us get my chance to exercise but the time we do have we share between us because we both know it’s important to be active. He’s being incredibly selfish OP.

It’s not at all unusual to run much further than 10k when training for a 10k. The OP didn’t say anywhere that it was taking him 2 hours to run 10k. Besides, plenty of people run who are not fast, it doesn’t mean they should all give up. Appreciate this isn’t the point of the thread.