Over 4 years of broken sleep.. I've asked partner to take a break from running so I can rest, now he's grumpy.

[Taurini]

So long story short, our 4 year old daughter might possibly be suffering from sleep apnea and we are waiting for the results of a sleep study to then take the next steps.

4 years of broken sleep for me because our daughter is constantly waking up from choking on what I'm assuming is her giant tonsils and adenoids.. she's waking at least 2-3 times a night and it's rare she sleeps though a whole night.
My partner is a heavy sleeper and doesn't hear her and I only wake him if our daughter specifically asks for him or I've barely had any sleep as I know he works hard and needs his rest.

I'm beyond exhausted, it's messed up my body so much I'm having a heavy period every two weeks, I keep becoming anaemic and my hair is falling out so much I'm having to use rogaine.. I'm 34..

He's really into his running, has roughly an hour to himself every morning to run/work out.
He's recently been out for almost a whole weekend at a festival with a friend.
The other day he had been for almost a two hour run on a Saturday training for his next 10k run.
Then mentioned a half marathon and then a marathon.
I snapped.. its not fair hearing he has all this energy and all these plans when I don't even get a full night's sleep..so I've asked him if he'd stop his running until we get our daughter's sleep apnea sorted and watch her in a morning so I can get some rest.
He's stopped but is very grumpy about it and now on top of no sleep Im having to feel guilty..
Am I being unreasonable?

Also make sure you’re taking proper iron tablets with vitamin c (1000mg) as if your ferritin is below 70 ish your hair won’t grow anyway
my periods are ironically worse when I’m anaemic

How old are you Op? Just wondering about the fortnightly period, as it's a symptom of peri-menopause for the cycle length to reduce. Mine did the same. Peri-menopause can also cause fatigue and brain fog. I'd get an appointment with a GP and get it all checked out.

Agree with PPs, get to your GP about your periods. That is an indication of something else going on, it's not "just tired"

You don’t need a sleep study, you need to get her tonsils and adenoids out.

He doesn't have to run every day and he doesn't have to do it in the morning before work. Don't let him say he does.
I run. I have a child. I'm well aware that sometimes I will have to go and do it at 9pm on a treadmill at the gym when DS is in bed!

It is in the OP. She is 34. Which would be very unusually young for peri.

I think it would be more beneficial to the OPs mental health and physical health if he just stopped being a selfish arse and took over some parenting don’t you?

the woman is so sleep deprived she is losing her hair and having periods every two weeks.

I think there comes a time where people need to shut up about their needs and start looking at who is in the greater position of need.

YABU o say he can't run. YANBU to expect taht he needs to make more effort to ensure his running doesn't impact you negatively.

I've told this story before. DH is a good person but he got obsessed by training for his marathon. he's also a prime faffer. And of course, he couldn't do nights before training runs. And then he'd wake up at 8, faff around, and not leave until 10.

Anyway, on one particularly memorable occassion, I got up at 5:00 with DS. DH had a nice lie in until about 8:30. Then he faffed about and left for his run at 10:00. It was supposed to be 3 hours. But he got lost. So he only got back at 14:00. When he walked into the house I was sitting on the floor with DS, completely and totally shattered. What I left out of the bit between 8:30-1000 is that he'd given me my MOTHER's DAY card and PRESENT. So when he got home, I'd been up, looking after DS alone, since 5am. On mother's day....

He started getting up at 7am for training runs and was out the door by 7:30 after that. But it took me being on my knees before he realised how selfish it was.

Men really do often somehow get socialised to believe that their needs are the most important thing. I truly believe that on airplanes when they say, "put your own mask on before helping anywone else...." that instruction is for women only. Men would do it automatically.

I am really sorry you are going through this. We had a similar situation with our DD. She was waking up around 8-10 times every night until she was 2. Then 2-3 times, but sometimes more. Everyone, including the GP, said it was normal. It took us 2 years and around 15 ear infections to get referred to the ENT. She got surgery for removing both the tonsils and adenoids. Three days after surgery she stopped snoring and started sleeping through the night.

I know how damaging sleep deprivation is, both physically and mentally - I don’t think I have fully recovered yet. You really need support from your husband. You cannot be left alone with this. If possible get an ENT referral asap or if you can afford it, go private.

Can’t you shake him awake every other night. Even if you can’t get back to sleep, you will rest in bed. Or get dad to sleep in bed with you one night and him the next. You need to get some sleep.

I agree with a pp, you really must get the heavy periods investigated. I don’t think this is likely due to sleep deprivation, so book an appointment with your GP asap.
In regard to your husband, he should stop being so selfish and pull his weight.

I really hope he’s not as selfish and useless as he sounds…

I once had a relationship with a ‘serious’ runner (ultra marathons, Marathon Des Sables, etc). I always maintained that behind each of those (mostly) blokes was some poor woman at home looking after the kids - and everything else - alone… and probably pretty unhappy.

Which part? That he hasn't felt guilty? The man who is having a grump attack because he has been called out for his selfishness? He doesn't feel guilty.

Or the not needing to train as hard as he is for a 10km? That is also true. 10km can be walked in 2 hours. If he is running 5 days a week, he must be covering close to, if not more than 10km every time. If he isn't, he is a crap runner. I am in my 50s and female and can do that time/distance. This is a man with a small child, he is likely much younger than me.

Of course he hears her, he just knows you'll see to her so leaves you to it.

YABU for apologising.

Has your child seen an ENT??
Giant adenoids and tonsils, they need to see an ENT

Yet another horrible, useless man who prioritises himself over his family.

It’s his daughter too. You should do alternate nights. (Unless you don’t work and she’s at nursery too or similar.)

Sleep deprivation is used as a torture method for a reason. The fact you've been the one to have to get up at night since your daughter has been born, without help from your husband is astonishing. The fact that he hasn't recognised that he needs to be helping you, because she's HIS daughter too is unbelievable! Your health is now declining, due to having broken sleep for 4 years, and your husband hasn't noticed this either. He's grumpy because your daughter is impacting his hobby. He can't do what he wants/when he wants, and he doesn't like it. Don't feel guilty. Your husband should be utterly ashamed of himself.

A Mother and wife who are fit and well is an essential for every family.

I feel your pain our son slept through at age 4. My husband worked away sometimes - I was often on my knees, but when he came home, he would book me into a hotel so I could have sleep and time to myself whilst he dealt with the sleepiness night. This is what your DH should be doing not trotting off every morning. Leave him to it once a week - I’m so angry for you at having such a selfish partner.

"Where you can chill"? She is a full time parent! Have some respect.

And she has become severely unwell so until that is resolved, a 'run' is not going to cut it in terms of supporting her physical and mental health.

He was out for 2 hours to train for a 10k run?? He’s taking the piss. Someone who runs as regularly as that does not need to train for a 10k run. I don’t even train for a half marathon and I don’t run as often as he does!

Are you on the waiting list for an adenotonsillectomy?
If it’s taking ages it might be worth seeing if you can afford it privately. Some groups offer fixed price offers which can be quite reasonable.It sounds like it would massively benefit all three of you.

I’m horrified you’ve had to ask him. Who the hell watches their partner go through that for four years and just pisses off running every morning?! What a knob!

Running is a red herring. Just tell him he's doing half the night wakings. Non-negotiable.
The rest is up to him.

Oh my gosh, you must be so tired! And how selfish is he? With so much energy he’s talking about marathons!

You need to properly divide the nights 50:50, and he has to realise he needs to do his 50% properly, with no ifs, buts, or leaving you anxious about your child or that he might not wake ip. The way to achieve this is to split you time so that you each spend half your time sleeping in the same room as DD, and then each spend half in another room with the door shut. The person who is on duty is therefore fully on duty.

He needs to do this and then perhaps you split the morning time so he gets a run or a lie in one day - perhaps the day he’s been on nights - and you get a lie in (or a run of your own or whatever) the other day, when you’ve been on nights. Let’s see how much he fancies the run then!