Over 4 years of broken sleep.. I've asked partner to take a break from running so I can rest, now he's grumpy.

[Taurini]

So long story short, our 4 year old daughter might possibly be suffering from sleep apnea and we are waiting for the results of a sleep study to then take the next steps.

4 years of broken sleep for me because our daughter is constantly waking up from choking on what I'm assuming is her giant tonsils and adenoids.. she's waking at least 2-3 times a night and it's rare she sleeps though a whole night.
My partner is a heavy sleeper and doesn't hear her and I only wake him if our daughter specifically asks for him or I've barely had any sleep as I know he works hard and needs his rest.

I'm beyond exhausted, it's messed up my body so much I'm having a heavy period every two weeks, I keep becoming anaemic and my hair is falling out so much I'm having to use rogaine.. I'm 34..

He's really into his running, has roughly an hour to himself every morning to run/work out.
He's recently been out for almost a whole weekend at a festival with a friend.
The other day he had been for almost a two hour run on a Saturday training for his next 10k run.
Then mentioned a half marathon and then a marathon.
I snapped.. its not fair hearing he has all this energy and all these plans when I don't even get a full night's sleep..so I've asked him if he'd stop his running until we get our daughter's sleep apnea sorted and watch her in a morning so I can get some rest.
He's stopped but is very grumpy about it and now on top of no sleep Im having to feel guilty..
Am I being unreasonable?

Genuine question - why were you ever ok with this?

How good do you think OP’s mental health is right now?!

Because you've made it that way by doing what you've been doing for so long.
Can't believe you apologised to him for insisting he take some responsibility for his own child.

I’m 47 and my weight and height according to MN makes me obese, I am lucky enough to have a running machine and every Saturday morning I run 10K, watching trash telly on my iPad. This takes me 1 hour and 10 minutes. I’m old and slow. My weekday exercise is a martial art so flexibility not stamina in that way.

Taking 2 hours to train for a 10k is bullshit if he’s running regularly. He’s taking the piss getting downtime you don’t. 10k isn’t the “thing” it’s made out to be.

Both of you need to be fit and healthy, not Olympic standard so he needs to give you rest time.

When me and my DH had small kids our exercise was limited, adjust diet for weight and then go back to exercise when you have time.

Surely. he can squeeze in some runs in the week, but you get time for yourself in equal measure.

Also, he takes over with nights and you get ear plugs. It’s totally possible to work while waking with a child 2-3 times a night. I did it when mine were little because toddlers wake. I was getting up at 5:30am and coming home at 8pm and still doing nights. Of course he can do it - if he has to. You are unwell and you need rest. Dh works and I don’t at the moment. I have cancer. If dc wake at night, he gets up with them. Because I need sleep more than he does.

The night before his next run, wake him up because his daughter is calling for her daddy. Perhaps he’ll feel less enthused about marathon training when he can’t get a basic nights sleep in.

I think you are focusing on the wrong thing here
"He's really into his running, has roughly an hour to himself every morning to run/work out.
The other day he had been for almost a two hour run on a Saturday training for his next 10k run."

Unless your 4 year old has massive SEN/medical needs, I don't think expecting you to look after her for an hour in a morning or sometimes for a couple of hours on a weekend is at all unreasonable.

However what he needs to answer is when do YOU get YOUR hour to yourself each day while HE looks after your joint child?! I think THIS is the issue. It's that you don't get the same "me" time as him. I think your own phrasing makes it sound like you can't cope with the child for a few hours on your own, but I don't think that's actually what you mean. What you mean is more like for you both to be healthy you both need a few hours extra sleep/exercise/relaxation, so if HE gets 2 hours to run on Sat, you need 2 hours while he looks after her. If you get up with her on Sat so he can sleep in before running, you get 2 hours extra in bed on Sunday while he gets up early. If you do the wake ups on Sat, he does them Friday whatever. Focus on what would help you both.

Because he is a man? He doesn’t see himself as an equal partner or parent? Your kid is seen as your problem not his? He’s a selfish twat? I could go on….

WTF have you apologised, you’ve done nothing wrong and he needs to grow up.

You need a chart and every hour he spends running, you get the same amount sleeping or looking after yourself. Every hour you’re up in the night equals an extra hour he takes over in the morning. Make it totally equal rather than begrudging his hobby, and he will soon see.

Either he steps up or he's out! Simple!

I just can’t imagine loving someone and watching them get so exhausted that they start to lose their hair, whilst prioritising my own hobby, leisure time and physical health instead of helping them.

Yet so many men do this, or a version of this, all the time.

I think the issue is likely that the timing of when he's taking that hour (which I understand you're saying in theory isn't a massive amount in itself) at a time when op is trying to get a block of sleep. So it's forcing her again to break solid sleep to provide care. Napping for an hour after he finishes work will just be more broken sleep for op, there needs to be periods where she can put in ear plugs and be out cold for full blocks to get decent quality of sleep. If he ran for an hour in the evening after dc went to bed in the gym that would be one possible solution but there would still need to be hours identified for op to get out and refill her cup AS WELL as the sleep. Because he's not just getting an hour to run, he's also getting full nights sleep.

Sorry to hear you’re having such a tough time. Have you heard of the charity Hope 2 Sleep? They may be able to offer some advice/ support.

I feel for you OP. I had this for a few months this year when my daughter had severe eczema and the lack of sleep/stress/anxiety/inability to rest and recover when ill, coupled with a partner too selfish to take on half the load led to me getting a collapsed lung. That at least kicked my DH in the arse that he needed to take on some of the responsibility through the night to help me rest. Do not feel guilty. Is he feeling guilty that the mother of his child is losing her hair and health due to lack of sleep? Do not enable a relationship where the set up is he takes and you give until it puts you in hospital.

You poor thing. Sleep apnoea is terrible, my eldest had it very severely and it nearly broke me. She woke usually every 30 minutes all night for over 2 years (she had tonsils and adenoids removed then). Some nights it was absolutely terrifying and she was taken to hospital in an ambulance twice after I couldn't wake her and she was going blue. Just terrifying.

You need some decent quality sleep. End of. Your DH absolutely has to step up and allow you a period of unbroken sleep at either the beginning or end of the night. If he's a heavy sleeper he should be sleeping right next to her and you should be sleeping in a room a decent distance away.

BUT I am concerned about some of the medical symptoms you have described. I lost weight/appetite/energy and my hair did thin a bit. These are not uncommon with extreme sleep deprivation. But I met lots of other women in similar situations and I have never heard of bleeding like that as a result of sleep deprivation. Please see your GP and ask for further investigation.

Totally, but the 2 aren't mutually exclusive? I completely agree she needs support and it's poor that he hasn't already offered to do some of the nights to help, but I don't see why that requires a total running ban?

For starters, if she's that light of a sleeper and waking when her husband doesn't, it's highly likely that she would wake up when he got up with DD anyway, and while a token effort, if the wake ups are having such a detrimental impact on her, an extra hour-90 mins isn't going to fix that. They would be better addressing the nights rather than trying to fix it with an extra hour in bed in the morning when others are up and moving about. FWIW unless they are substantial prolonged wake ups, I can't see how 2-3 wake ups could be causing that level of symptoms and it may be worth some bloods to see what is going on. Equally, like I said, I don't see why he couldn't go for a run at a different time, once DD is in bed maybe? Or an hour at the weekend.

As I said, OP needs to not allow herself to be a martyr, and the balance does need addressing, but if a woman came on here and said their partner had snapped and tried to tell them to give up their (free, healthy) hobby entirely because they needed support, when that support could be given in ways that meant both things could happen, there would be calls to LTB and that he was being controlling.

I'm not quite sure how you got "he has no need to step up and parent" from my post. I just don't think her solution is going to fix things for her.

Daughter needs a tonsillectomy and you need a lumpectomy. Him being the lump.

Two very serious points here

Your medical symptoms require urgent investigation

He's a selfish prick who will watch you fall apart rather than compromise on his hobby

Sorry to hear you are having a rough time.

DS was very similar at that age and didn’t sleep through the night until he was nearly 6. I kept a diary of it so we could show the consultant which you might find useful. I found it in the loft recently and was shocked at how much I got up in the night with him. He was diagnosed with laryngomalacia and slowly grew out of it as he got bigger. His worst time was if he fell asleep in the car.

Anyway, what worked for us was me having time off/sleep later morning at the weekends and sometimes a siesta too! It is very tough for you and you need do on board to work as a team. Can you sit down with him and work out a plan so you both get time out or off?

Running is so beneficial but not when your partner in life is running on fumes. Training for long distance runs is also a time commitment and one that should be discussed first especially the marathon as when those long training runs start kicking in that's whole weekends just gone on running.

Sleep is so important, I feel your pain as I have a two year old who wakes between 1 and 4 times a night still and on waiting list to be checked for apnoea or enlarged adenoids, its exhausting and so demoralising when other kids sleep through- difference is my husband and I do night on and night off with him sp we both get a long night of rest between. You've been shouldering the burden alone too long.

Not at all.
Sleep is so important.
Unfortunately when women develop stress related health issues they can become permanent and they can develop auto-immune disorders etc, far more likely in women versus men, not trying to scare you, but just saying that did the right thing in saying that you need rest. You do need it.

Sorry to hear you are going through this OP.

I have 3 under 8 and understand sleep deprivation yet I couldn't even imagine caring for a child with sleep apnea.

Have you seen the sleep apnea monitors? May be worth the investment in the short term? Perhaps the hospital could lend you one?

I'm training for a half marathon yet still manage to fit the time in. I'd review your schedules to find a solution. In the meantime, I would wake my husband in the night. It's dangerous being so sleep deprived and he is putting your health and your DC health at risk. The onus is on your DH to make that work.

Leave him, split the care 50/50 and get some guilt-free rest.

Oh piss off. OP’s hair is falling out and she’s having a period every 2 weeks. How do you think running is going to fix that?? She needs iron and sleep and a supportive partner after 4 years of not sleeping.

Have not RTWT.

I only wake him if our daughter specifically asks for him or I've barely had any sleep as I know he works hard and needs his rest.

Why are you martyring yourself? There is an obvious solution here.

Hi, firstly I’m sorry you’ve been exhausted. If you’re tipping into anemia regularly then you have an issue with your menstrual cycle. Just get that checked. I have Adenomyosis so have to watch my hemoglobin and iron levels. Secondly, I 100% think your partner should be picking up the load more with your child as he’s the parent too but I wouldn’t have told him to fully stop. Fitness is important to one’s overall health, especially their mental state of mind, so I would’ve told him to look at cutting back or changing when he goes running (evening vs morning?). I wish your family the best of luck working through this time with your precious daughter.