Over 4 years of broken sleep.. I've asked partner to take a break from running so I can rest, now he's grumpy.

[Taurini]

So long story short, our 4 year old daughter might possibly be suffering from sleep apnea and we are waiting for the results of a sleep study to then take the next steps.

4 years of broken sleep for me because our daughter is constantly waking up from choking on what I'm assuming is her giant tonsils and adenoids.. she's waking at least 2-3 times a night and it's rare she sleeps though a whole night.
My partner is a heavy sleeper and doesn't hear her and I only wake him if our daughter specifically asks for him or I've barely had any sleep as I know he works hard and needs his rest.

I'm beyond exhausted, it's messed up my body so much I'm having a heavy period every two weeks, I keep becoming anaemic and my hair is falling out so much I'm having to use rogaine.. I'm 34..

He's really into his running, has roughly an hour to himself every morning to run/work out.
He's recently been out for almost a whole weekend at a festival with a friend.
The other day he had been for almost a two hour run on a Saturday training for his next 10k run.
Then mentioned a half marathon and then a marathon.
I snapped.. its not fair hearing he has all this energy and all these plans when I don't even get a full night's sleep..so I've asked him if he'd stop his running until we get our daughter's sleep apnea sorted and watch her in a morning so I can get some rest.
He's stopped but is very grumpy about it and now on top of no sleep Im having to feel guilty..
Am I being unreasonable?

You don’t need to speak like that. I agree with her. Fitness is important to one’s overall health and especially mental health. I would’ve just asked him to be more considerate with his time and help out more with their daughter but not told him to stop altogether as he needs ‘me’ time just as he should give her some ‘me time’ and a break from mummy duties and her thing might be to go do her hair or whatever other relaxing hobby makes her feel refreshened. As for her menstrual cycle she clearly has issues, it sounds like Adenomyosis (a condition I have which tips us into anemia frequently and heavy blood loss, 10-14 day periods etc) so she needs to get on top of that by seeing a GP. Both need to balance the others needs.

I’m raging for you op, tell the selfish prick he can live somewhere else and have his child 50% of the week and see how much running he gets then. I guarantee your life would improve dramatically.

She needs sleep and lots of it, not a trip to the hairdresser. Don’t be fatuous.

If she has Adenomyosis, like I suspect, then her daughter’s sleep apnea won’t fix her sleeping issue. At my worst I couldn’t sleep more than 3 or 4 hours but I learned how to manage it with a good GP assisting me with exercise, diet and also quarterly iron transfusions and I also take a blood clotting medication at the start of my periods which all helps. She needs to go to her GP as a first point.

Thank you everyone for your posts, I spoke to him last night and it turned into a big argument..
I brought up the 10k thing and apparently he's training for the half marathon now so that's why he's taking so long.

Apparently he didn't realise how tired I was.. or how bad it was..and he told me I should have informed him I was feeling this bad..

I snapped once again because that's a pack of lies.. either that or he doesn't care about me enough to pay attention to my needs.
I've said many mornings when he's leaving for a run and our daughter is waking again that I'm and his response has been "I can take her downstairs for you but I'm leaving in 5 minutes to go for a run"

When we see family and they ask how I am (when he's sat right there being part of the conversation) I've told them how exhausted I am, about our daughter and my health because of it.

It's taken 4 hears to get the doctors to listen about her tonsils, I've had to record her sleeping and me putting my foot down to get the sleep study.
Hopefully we will hear something soon.

I've been to the doctor's and had lots of tests.. I was apparently only 'slightly' anaemic and the doctor accused me of having a poor diet.. which I do not as I eat the same as my partner who is running a marathon.. they were reluctant to give me iron tablets and that was early this year so I imagine my levels are low again.
They're not interested in investigating..I imagine the only option would be the pill but that messes me up in other ways.. I've been contemplating having a vasectomy but that also causes other issues and with me being only 34 probably not a good idea.. that's what triggered me though..there he is talking about marathons and I'm thinking of an hysterectomy because I feel so ill..
I honestly think the stress my body is under from not enough sleep is messing with my hormones.

*Update on the situation and argument we had:
I basically told him I do not feel supported/loved/valued.
I mentioned how I'm there every time he does a big run at the side lines waiting, I've even surprised him by wearing a t-shirt I had made showing my support on his marathon.
I've told him that on these days I could be leaving our daughter with my parents to get some rest but because I love him I make sacrifices to support something he loves.. and yet he can't do the same for my health, it's had to turn into an argument to get him to pay attention.. and I've brought up that it's not the first time.. it's happened a lot.. I verbalise my needs.. he ignores it.. then eventually I snap and he acts oblivious like it's out of nowhere and somehow turns it on me making out it's my fault for not telling him sooner or is grumpy and guilts me.

He's apologised and we've come to an arrangement where twice a week he won't run so I can catch up on sleep, if I need other days too I can let him know and he won't run those days.. so we shall see..

He did but me a bit because hed get up at 5am to get his breakfast and go for a run and he was all "dont you think it's a bit unfair that I'm getting up at 5am though just incase she wakes..because that's a waste of my time if she doesn't"
Which made me snap.. I never asked him to still get up at that time but if she wakes me yet again and I have to wake him to get up with her in the morning then I'm up again so may as well just get up..
I told him "you fall asleep as soon as your head hits the pillow at 10pm and don't wake until your alarm at 5am.. that's a full 7 hours sleep.. 7 days a week.. I have been up every two hours for 7 nights a week over 4 years.. so no I do not think asking you to get up at 5am twice a week is unreasonable"

I needed to see all these comments to help me not feel bad for asking for things, I've always had a problem with feeling guilty very easily even when things aren't my fault (it's a me issue) in fact he brought this up in the argument and told me thingk I need to get some therapy.. which triggered me.. I snapped back that I've had therapy in the past and all they end up saying is "it sounds like you're really struggling, do you have anyone who can support you more at home?" The answer is no.. i told him therapy can't help me when it's him who isn't doing his job as a partner or parent.

We shall see if he does as he's saying he will to help out.

I'm tired. So very tired.

Thank you once again everyone xx

I’m glad you’ve had a chat and been firm about your needs. I wanted to say though that it is NOT good enough that you get a “sleep in” two days a week.

He needs to be on full night duty two nights a week. My DH does Thursday and Friday night as his Fridays at work are pretty chill so it’s not a problem if he’s a bit tired. I then do Saturday as I think it’s fair that he gets one weekend day to sleep in as well.

If I’m really feeling up against it I do this in the spare room so that I feel like I am completely clocked off (great for mental health to just actually have a full break). If it’s just about having more rest then I stay in bed with him but on other side of bed to baby.

You need the opportunity to have two proper stints at an 8-9 hour night. Ideally you have a spare bedroom or even if the couch can be slept on for one of those nights so that you aren’t even woken up by him getting up to deal with DD.

You also need a great sleep mask like the silk drowsy ones that goes around your head to provide extra sound muffling and a full black out sleep and specifically designed for sleep silicone ear plugs. You wear this on your nights off so that you’re not disturbed by any of the waking sounds.

exactly this!

My son had sleep apnea and we took turns co-sleeping with him for about a year until he had adenoid surgery which sorted it out. You need to start alternating so you get an undisturbed nights sleep yourself every other night

I would also recommend going back to the GP re your periods. I was anemic due to very heavy periods which was diagnosed as adenemyosis and felt unbelievably unwell - I remember falling asleep in the doctor’s waiting room in the 10 minutes I had to wait before being seen. I was also vitamin D deficient. Sorting out both of those made an enormous difference to how I felt and I was already sleeping 7 hours a night so I can understand hwo you are on your knees. I was on very high dose vitamin D (10,000 iu every day for a week then every week for a month) and daily high dose iron tablets. I had to have the Mirena coil too to sort out my periods as my doctor said I wouldn’t be able to sort out my iron levels until the flooding stopped as it was like filling a sieve.

Do you have your ferritin levels? Sometimes the NHS cut off levels are far too high. What about B12 and Vit D? We might be able to provide some advice.

So you both work full time?

In January I had bloods done and my Serum ferritin level was 11 ug/L.
The doctor said it wasn't low enough for me to be feeling as bad as I say or for my hair to fall out and told me to improve my diet.. I had to practically demand iron tablets.

I do not work, which is why I'm reluctant to make him get up in the nights.
But I'm exhausted, so I've told him on a Friday I will wake him every time she wakes.

You do not work? Does your DD go to nursery or school?

It's not necessary for him to stop running altogether but he can definitely tone it down a bit. And he should be doing his fair share with your daughter.

I have two children including a two year old who doesn't sleep through the night and my husband and I take turns to get up with her.

I am also training for a ten mile run and currently running about 4 times a week. I'm actually following a half marathon training plan which means that even if I were training for a half marathon I wouldn't need to be running any more than I currently do. Apart from my long run on Sundays I run in the evening as soon as the kids are in bed. On Sundays I either try to go out after lunch when my two year old is napping or I go at 5pm and get back before 7 in time to help with bath and bedtime. My running doesn't impact how much sleep my husband gets in any way.

He absolutely doesn't need to be out for two hours (ever) to train for a 10k, and I would say that training for a marathon is completely self indulgent in your circumstances and needs to be shelved for the time being.

I don't work, our daughter went to nursery for a few hours in a morning, I'd rest then but I have to walk to dog and get the washing done and pegged out.
In September she will be in school full time so that will help as I will have time to rest.

Yes agreed.

Book yourself a hotel room for the night and leave him to it. He will have to take on the burden of waking up even if he is a deep sleeper

Can you afford/have room for a treadmill? This would mean he could run at home whilst you were asleep or having an hour to yourself.

@Taurini broken sleep is torture. When your daughter starts school teach yourself to sleep in the day, it really does help.

Once your DD starts school there will hopefully be less tension and more time for everyone to get what they need.

@tealandteal has a great idea treadmill at home.

I also agree you should spend time away. You need a few days of good nights sleep.

It’s not about him giving up running it’s about him doing more at the weekends or even for one night like you have suggested so you can recharge your sleep.

I think YABU to ask him to stop running - however, YANBU to ask him to do it at another time of the day, or not as much.

Ask him to spend a few nights with her a week, in her room if necessary. Or could you go stay with a relative the odd night to get a full nights sleep?

Also, the period thing - not right - go see your GP, they may also give you something to sleep.

Does he know how you are feeling other than not sleeping?

Ah I didn't see that! Yes that would be very young. Definitely she needs to get to GP as could be endometriosis or something like that

I agree. Hair falling out and anemia too. I get that not sleeping can make you unwell, but be sure there isn’t something else going on too. And yes, your husband needs to step up, I’d be so upset if my husband had to be asked to allow me some sleep.

You have told the doctors about the fortnightly period and they're not interestd? I'd be writing a formal complaint to the GP surgery - that is completely and totally not normal.

Did they check your vitamin D levels? As someone with low vitamin D and not quite but still quite low iron levels, I know that this combination seems to really knock me out completely. And yes, I also had a child who didn't sleep and so I was exhausted, making it all worse.

One thing me and DH did when I was at home and he was working, was that I would go to bed early, and he would stay up late (which he did anyway) so he'd be on duty for DS between say 9pm - 1am. This helped a lot as it meant that if DS woke up during this time, I was able to just sleep.

Then, in the mornings, anything after about 5:30/6 was his problem until he went to work. So yes, I would wake up, but I'd prod him, and he'd get up and deal with it. Obviously, there was some flex and it wasn't ideal but it meant that while neither of us was getting enough sleep, he was getting a solid 5-6 hours minimum and I was getting a couple of chunks of 2-3 hours. I would think that your H could do similar, assuming your DS is waking regularly from 7pm?

Yanbu, my son is diabetic and last night I was up for 3 hours in the night as he kept having hypos which are life threatening, broken sleep is the worse thing on earth.
why cant he get himself a treadmill and do it at home while keeping a eye on her?

As someone with Narcolepsy, so living in a constant state of sleep depravation, who also had a child with sleep apnoea, you need to speak to someone about the periods because that's not something you'd expect to be caused by those things.