To think that the moment your father is used against you, you’re powerless?

[IcyLemonWasp]

It feels like when someone weaponises your father, whether it’s bringing up his status, reputation, mistakes or even absence, you’re immediately backed into a corner. No matter what you say or do, it’s like you’ve already lost. Has anyone else experienced this?

Nope.

No.

No-one has ever done this to me.

can you give more context? sounds like one of those “they only win if you let them” kind of things.

No. My father was an unfaithful, unreliable drunk. That's on him, not me.

As above, no.

What?

????

What culture are we talking about?

You really will need to give context as surely the response is 'i am not my father'

Also what era?

Really don’t understand?

Nope?

Never experienced this, but if someone did, I think I’d just laugh, as the idea of someone using your father’s apparent failings as a way to win an argument is rdesperate…. And it’s not you who’ve lost in such a situation, it’s them for being so ridiculous!

No. His choices are not mine and I'm not him.

No. But more than that, I don’t even get it.

It’s happened in situations where my father’s absence or history was brought up to undermine me personally, not as part of the actual discussion. It’s less about me “letting them win” and more that it changes the power dynamic instantly.

This seems more like a statement about the person saying this.

What obtuse person thinks that the child of to blame for the shortcomings of the father?

It is like they don't really have any genuine reasons so have to come up with this shite.

UK - though I imagine it could happen in other places too. In my case it’s more about personal dynamics than specific cultural practice.

Present day, it’s not something from decades ago, it’s happened in recent years

I’m none the wiser about what you mean op, sorry. But no, I am not responsible for anything my father said, or did, and so am not powerless. More detail perhaps might help?

Sounds more like living in Pride & Prejudice or Bridgerton than the UK in 2025 to be honest.

Nope, nothing a parent said or does makes you powerless- their actions are a reflection on them, not you.

You describe this as if it’s a common thing but I don’t relate to this at all. My dad was a really good bloke so maybe that’s why I don’t understand. Do people ‘weaponise’ mothers in the same way in your opinion OP? Or is it just fathers?

Exactly, it usually says more about them than about me. But in the moment, it still shifts the dynamic because they’ve moved the discussion into something deeply personal and unrelated.

I mean situations where someone uses your father’s absence, reputation, or history to attack your character, even if it’s unrelated to the topic. It’s not about taking responsibility for his actions but about how personal it suddenly feels when they go there.