To think that the moment your father is used against you, you’re powerless?

[IcyLemonWasp]

It feels like when someone weaponises your father, whether it’s bringing up his status, reputation, mistakes or even absence, you’re immediately backed into a corner. No matter what you say or do, it’s like you’ve already lost. Has anyone else experienced this?

Professional settings, what professional settings?

I’m a little bit at a loss to imagine how your Father could be brought up in a professional discussion, or how it would ever be relevant.

In a personal setting who is doing this to you repeatedly? Your Mum? Your partner?

Because if they know this is distressing to you to this degree it’s pretty abusive.

To your main point though, I don’t think I’ve ever had an argument where I felt defenceless. I’m pretty scrappy, I’d argue until the end of the world.

You say this isn’t about your self esteem but it is really. You feel defenceless because the other person is weaponising your childhood against you and that is understandably distressing.

Anyone who would do that to you, isn’t a good person, even if your Dad did bad things to them.

You aren't responsible for your parents actions.

That’s not unique to comments about fathers though. Unless you regard your lack of father as a weakness?

I can’t say I’ve ever had anyone comment on my lack of a father, and if they did I certainly wouldn’t feel powerless, or feel emotional about - I’d probably laugh at the preposterousness of it tbh.

Mock my kids though and

People do this because they don't have a valid argument. It's a very low blow, which you need to rise above. Reply with something like 'is that the best you can do?' And then deflect with whatever your position is.

Be more resilient.

Absolutely agree with this and was going to post very similar, along the lines of "well Fred, if the most compelling argument you have that it's my turn to do the washing up is that I had an absent father, looks like you're donning the Marigolds my friend".

It hasn’t happened to me, no, but I can see how it could be used and instrumentalised in such a manner.

"You're just hurt because your father did XYZ."
"It must be hard being objective, knowing your family history with…"

That kind of thing? Or simply claiming that you're being unreasonable due to "daddy issues"? "needy" due to being abandoned, neglected, abused etc.?

If I’m right, the people using your history in this manner are not your friends, and they don’t mean you well. Try to put as much emotional (and actual) distance as possible between you and them.

So, you're discussing something and "they" disagree with you, and instead of addressing your argument they say

"Well < something> <something> your dad"

like it's the killer comeback, rather than a non-sequitur?

If it is a particular person who is using " well, your dad" to shut you down - of course it is personal, and you have allowed them to establish this diversionary dynamic where they immediately win by mentioning the Dad thing. Without more specifics, though, we're not going to be able to give you relevant advice.

For example, in a work dispute someone might bring up my father’s absence or mistakes to imply something negative about me, even though it’s unrelated. In that moment it’s less about relevance and more about the emotional hit - it can throw you off balance before you’ve even had a chance to respond.

I have but by the time you’re asking that, the emotional impact has already landed. That’s the point I’m making, it changes the tone and dynamic instantly, even if you challenge its relevance.

I don’t get how this would be brought up in the workplace. Nobody at work knows anything about my parents. Even if they did, it would be hugely unprofessional if anyone brought up someone’s personal life in a work dispute.

Without knowing the full context of what was said to you and by whom, your post is impossible to answer.

I don't really get this thread. I've read all OP's posts and I still don't get it
I don't get how someone bringing up someone's dad would 'tip the balance' or any of the things OP says it would do

Not sure what you mean. My father was an abusive, very strange and damaged man who then went on to damage his children. I have spoken about this to close friends who have helped me deal with the iife long effects of this, These friends are naturally not in any way supportive of my father's behaviour

Sins of the father OP?

Same, most bizarre post I’ve read in a while.

No he’s not famous, it’s not about public recognition. In the cases I’m talking about, the person already knew personal details about me and used them in the heat of the moment. That’s why it can happen in both personal and professional contexts - it’s about the relationship and information they have, not fame.

This happened to me. Abusive ex once said "at least I have a dad" to me during an argument towards the end of our marriage. We were arguing about something his controlling, overbearing father had said or done (he was a bully and also his boss) I replied with "I'd rather have no dad than your dad!".

😂😂

In that moment it’s less about relevance and more about the emotional hit - it can throw you off balance before you’ve even had a chance to respond.

The solution is to become immune to the emotional hit, so that when they bring up your father you are not thrown off balance, but instead can make another response, such as:
saying in a deadpan voice "I really don't see how my father is relevant, can you explain"
or laughing in their face at their absurdity
or saying with a voice dripping in sarcasm "is that the best argument you have got?"

So the problem is that you are still affected emotionally by your father. That is what you need to work on.

Flip the subject line. The moment someone uses your father against you, they give away all their power over you.

That’s along the lines of it, personal details about my dad (absence, mistakes, history) being thrown in during a disagreement to undermine me, even when it’s unrelated to the topic. The specific vary but the effect is the same, it changes the power dynamic instantly.

Me too🤔

In that case, the response of " You're judging me on my father's actions? In that case you really should judge me by x/y/z that has paid a greater part in shaping me as he was mostly absent and as you're pointing out, flawed in x/y/z. Should I judge you by failings you were a victim of to win an argument too?"

I think what’s happening is that various (dreadful, cruel) people in the OP’s life are using her Dad’s history to shut her down during arguments.

Regardless of the contexts she finds this so distressing that she can’t continue the argument and so the other party has “won”

What I don’t understand is how in any workplace this hasn’t lead immediately to an HR grievance and disciplinary action.

That sounds really frustrating and distressing. It isn’t something I have experienced, but would think it works the same as any other attack would work- to unsettle you, and use a perceived chunk in your armour against you.

I think the way to manage it is to work really hard on the weakening issue- in your case something about your dad- so that it no longer makes you wobble.

Radical and total acceptance is usually the way- when you can laugh because the accusation or insult no longer stings. You’ve overcome that insecurity.

In workplaces where personal background came up, sometimes in heated discussions or politics between colleagues, and someone would bring up my father’s absence/history as a jab. It’s rare but when it happens, it’s deeply undermining.