To think that the moment your father is used against you, you’re powerless?

[IcyLemonWasp]

It feels like when someone weaponises your father, whether it’s bringing up his status, reputation, mistakes or even absence, you’re immediately backed into a corner. No matter what you say or do, it’s like you’ve already lost. Has anyone else experienced this?

I have never experienced this in work as I don't disclose personal details to work colleagues, and only my very closest friends and partner know my family history.
If someone uses a personal thing from your history in the heat of an argument, they really didn't have anything else to use as fire and using personal insults to invalidate an opinion or put someone doen just isnt very nice. I would always rise above this sort of thing. If they are resorting to personal insults then they have no argument and arent worth my time.

I can’t go into specifics but it’s been along the lines of someone bringing up my father’s absence or past in a heated discussion to undermine me, even though it wasn’t relevant to the topic. In hindsight, it should have been treated more seriously.

Not read all your replies but it says nothing about you, nothing about your father really and everything about the person weaponing family circumstances. If it's in a professional situation follow it up, if its someone personal to you stop seeing them.

Everything sounds very muddy and incestuous, in the sense that nobody (including you I'm afraid) seems to have healthy boundaries and you appear to work with people who know far too much about your private life and extended family history.

Work and private life should be kept separate. Physical and mental distance reinforce one another and both are healthy.

Perhaps it would improve your quality of life if you could quietly start looking for a new job outside your home town? The overlap between work colleagues and (relatives? people you knew as a child? neighbours?) sounds suffocating and isn't normal for most people. I presume you live and work in the same very small town or neighbourhood you grew up in?

Make it a goal to be working a little further from where you grew up by this time next year....

Excellent! Fingers crossed for you!

I’ve RTFT. I think the fact that so many of us don’t even understand what you’re talking about indicates that this is a ‘you’ thing, OP.

I think that, in the situations you (vaguely) describe, most people would think the other person was an idiot and/or insane and tell them so. Unless it was said by their mother or similar ‘you’re X, just like your father’ or ‘that’s why your father left’ would either anger or baffle most people, it wouldn’t wrongfoot them.

But how do people you work with know anything about your father?

I get that it’s not a common experience and I’m glad it wouldn’t affect you in that way. For me, it’s less about agreeing with the insult and more about the jolt of someone making it so personal out of nowhere. It throws me off balance before I’ve even processed it.

I’ve explained that a few times earlier in the thread, so you might need to scroll back for the full context.

What type of work are you doing where you're getting into heated discussions with people? I don't even recognize that really from my daily life.

If your dad has some kind of reputation is it possible for you to move away from where you live or find a different job where people don't know who he is?

It all sounds very Victorian to me like you should slap them across the face with your glove and then challenge them to a duel.

OP I think your stock response needs to be, “don’t be ridiculous”.

You can follow with things like, “as we will all know, your comment has no bearing on this conversation, and I resent you bringing personal matters into a professional context as a means to undermine me or sully my reputation”.

Christ I can't stand this type of post where someone gives 0 actually information or detail about what was actually said and just talks in circles or riddles when asked for clarification.

Tell us the scenario, relationships and actual words used between these people and then people can give their opinions.

Tbh this is sounding more like you are the issue than anyone else OP, I suspect you are making arguments or grievances up to at least exaggerating them

It’s not like every day is a heated debate but occasionally tensions flare, and in rare cases someone’s brought my father into it. It’s less about where I live and more about the fact that some people will use anything personal they know as a dig. The duel suggestion is tempting though!

I’ve already explained the type of scenarios earlier in the thread. It’s not about riddles, just not wanting to share every word said in a public forum. The point is about how personal digs, especially about family, can shift a dynamic instantly.

I honestly can’t imagine caring. It’s such an odd thing for someone to even attempt to weaponise that I’m surprised it appears to have come up multiple times in your life.

Why does it throw you off balance? Why do you feel a jolt?

Not exactly that example but yes, similar in that it’s used as an emotional shortcut to undermine me, rather than engaging with the actual point. It’s definitely a juvenile tactic but it’s still effective in the moment.

You probably need to practise taking a deep breath and having stock phrases to come back with.

How utterly irrelevant - now back to the point I was making

My father behavior is on him - you trying to blame me for his behavior - reflects poorly on you.

What's that got to do with the price of coal - and go back to your point.

What an odd comment - slow hard stare - then ignore it and move on.

Or fuck you're a jerk and walk away and do not engage further and assume they've lost and act like it going forward.

Again, the fact that this is so unimaginable to so many of us would indicate that it’s either location or workplace specific. What you’re describing (again, vaguely) isn’t a ‘thing’. It’s just not.

Because it’s so personal and unexpected, it’s not part of the topic at hand so it’s a jarring shift. Even if I don’t agree with what’s said, it takes a second to regroup when someone suddenly makes it about family.

Ah, you again. Imagine thinking that because you haven’t experienced something, it can’t possibly happen.

It depends on the context. If you are a child and your father did something wrong, people reminding you how your father is, you will feel cornered or develop some self esteem issues.

I experienced this as child, so I understand without you given more details because I can relate to my experience. But to overall understand the situation you are talking about, some details are needed.

No idea what you are talking about, no one cares what my dad does!

Are people saying "You are just like your Dad" because saying that to someone who is repeating patterns is perhaps legitimate ...it might cause the person to stop and consider if they are repeating patterns, an unhappy, unsuccessful learnt behaviour? I could see it being said in that context and being relevant

It can’t be that unexpected as, unlike most of us commenting, it’s apparently something that repeatedly happens to you. So, every time this bizarre thing happens, there’s a ‘jarring shift and you need a second to regroup’?

Someone has said something bizarre to you and your reaction isn’t ’what the actual fuck is wrong with you?’ It’s ’they’ve brought up my father’s absence, I am undone’?

My father was exactly the same. You are right, it’s on them. But some of us lived in a society or time, when people around us judged us only because we were his children. That’s so unfair on child but sometimes it stays with them if they have received much compassion and then as adults they need to work through those self esteem issues with a good therapist.

I can see how it could be used that way but in my experience it’s not been about addressing patterns or behaviour. It’s been thrown in as an unrelated personal jab to derail the conversation, not to give constructive input.