To think that the moment your father is used against you, you’re powerless?

[IcyLemonWasp]

It feels like when someone weaponises your father, whether it’s bringing up his status, reputation, mistakes or even absence, you’re immediately backed into a corner. No matter what you say or do, it’s like you’ve already lost. Has anyone else experienced this?

In those cases it was people who already knew me outside of just the professional context, so they had that personal background. And yes, I get that it might sound ridiculous from the outside but in the moment it’s less about the content and more about how it’s used to derail the discussion.

I’m not talking about formal societal rules here, more about personal dynamics where someone uses a parent as a way to undermine you.

That’s the logical response and I wish I always had it in the moment. The trouble is, when it’s used as an emotional jab, it can catch you off guard before you’ve had a chance to respond that way.

it only changes the power dynamic if you allow it to.

Yes I can see how this would alter the dynamic and make you feel they’ve won op, it’s deeply personal and I get it, it hits / lands and takes a second to process it and compose yourself. I’m assuming in the workplace situation you’ve shared details about your father being absent in the past, or become friendly with someone there and told them? They’ve then used this info about your father against you in discussions. I think I’d avoid sharing personal details in the workplace in future, it’s a pathetic and low blow to use your father against you, it’s not as easy as just not letting it get to you as it’s deep rooted and personal.

if its happening at work, its bullying/harassment and you deal with it as such.

Are you suggesting that someone in work is say bringing up the fact that your father is in prison to undermine you in work to say make it appear to clients that you are untrustworthy or an similar circumstances. No this has never happened to me and I would straight out call them out on being unprofessional.

PS you are only powerless if you allow yourself to be.

In the cases I’m thinking of, it’s been people who knew me beyond just the surface work relationship, sometimes through mutual connections or shared personal history that came up over time. It’s not about nepotism or fame, just that they happened to know and chose to use it.

No. I’m sorry @IcyLemonWasp but you’re genuinely making very little sense to me.

I cannot conceive of anyone at work bringing up my father (or lack thereof) as an attack.

Whoever these people are I'd suggest you put as much distance as possible between you and them as possible. Are you applying for new jobs? If it's a romantic partner then make plans to leave because it's abuse.

Not locally notorious, just situations where people knew personal background details through conversations or connections and chose to bring them up in that way.

Its a deeply underhand tactic to use in arguments.
If you are triggered you can step back at that point. You can use the trigger to identify someone who is prepared to go that low and refuse to engage with them until they thoroughly and meaningfully apologise.
There is no work situation where that would be acceptable.
No personal relationship which should continue beyond that point.

I get the analogy but for me it’s less like someone picking on a physical quirk and more like them pulling in something deeply personal and unrelated to the topic. Even if I don’t agree with what they’re implying, it’s jarring in the moment because it feels like a deliberate attempt to destabilise rather than debate.

No nothing like that, it’s not about romantic situations at all. It’s more about people pulling in unrelated personal history during disputes to try and put me on the back foot.

Yes, that’s exactly it - it’s usually come from people I’d been more open with and then it’s been used in a moment of conflict. Definitely a lesson learned about being more selective with what I share.

No he’s not in prison. But yes, using something personal and unrelated to the work itself to undermine me.

Given the complete absence of a meaningful example, and the degree of telepathic insight the OP wishes us to have, I've come up with the following scenario to illustrate.
Boss: You're not doing your job properly, OP.
OP: Yes I am.
Boss: Your dad was a twat.

🤔🤔🤔

Yes, I had an interview yesterday. It’s not something I want to tolerate long-term.

I have never experienced it seen this in a professional context. I've had a lot of involvement in HR/grievance investigations, conducting them that is. In my piece of work of someone used knowledge of someone's having to undermine then professionally it would be taken very very seriously. Can you give any examples that might clarify what you mean?

YABU... This can only affect you if you let it. I can just about understand you being put on the back foot the first time it was said but if it's something that is happening multiple times, as you've implied, then surely you should be well able to brush if off by now.

You keep saying this isn't a confidence it is 100% a confidence issue. Without trying to be mean, you need to toughen up. Any time someone brings up your dad point out it's nothing to do with you and immediately go straight back to the conversation at hand. Also if anyone in work ever mentioned my parents as a way to demean me I'd be straight on to HR.

That is awful. I would be reporting them for bullying. Hope the interview works out.

No, I never involved my father in my personal or work life once I was adult, or my mother.

Would it be like something don't listen to Jayne, she's crazy, like her father (who had mental health issues), if so that's wildly inappropriate and probably sackable where I work

Yay! Fingers crossed!