To think that the moment your father is used against you, you’re powerless?

[IcyLemonWasp]

It feels like when someone weaponises your father, whether it’s bringing up his status, reputation, mistakes or even absence, you’re immediately backed into a corner. No matter what you say or do, it’s like you’ve already lost. Has anyone else experienced this?

It's like if your husband cheated on you and someone throws that in your face during a fight. It knocks the wind out of you. Some people are so ashamed even when they are the victim.

I think it is really understandable if you have been repeatedly let down by your dad to be sensitive about that.

However, you don't need to feel embarrassed or ashamed or any negative emotion about how he treated you. You deserved a better father and his actions do not reflect on you.

I would really recommend spending some time reflecting on that. Do you have friends/family/therapist/chatgpt you can discuss it with?

Having an absent father doesn't make you any less than someone who had a present one. But I think somewhere deep in your subconscious, you might think it does? And the fact that people are throwing it in your face makes me think they've picked up on that fact and are just using a cheap shot.

But, by letting go of that feeling and being comfortable acknowledging that you're father did you wrong, but you deserve more, then the power gets taken out of that shot. Then you can laugh and brush off any slights about your dad.

Ignore me if I'm baking up the wrong tree here, it's just how I've read the situation.

It’s not about “allowing it”, I do call it out. My point was more about recognising the tactic when it’s used, not about passively accepting it.

Also, growing up without a present dad doesn't mean you're trashy or whatever horrible stereotypes people use.

It is just factually incorrect and those people are the scummy ones to make such a judgement about a child.

My father is absent, if any one tried to infer that his absence in my life was a reflection on me, I’d laugh. I’d not take it personally because it isn’t personal, it’s a reflection of the character of a mean immature person. I will always choose to never give my power to a twat.

The older I get, the more zero fucks I give.

I'm not sure what you mean exactly, but my ex-fiancé's mother certainly used her perceived failings in my sibling and parents to put me down and "explain" my "personality problems" to my ex. She was an evil witch though and no one else has done this.

So, every time this bizarre thing happens, there’s a ‘jarring shift and you need a second to regroup’?

Yes it can. Because it is attached to trauma and abuse for op. Just because you don’t understand, does not mean it’s not reality for some people.

Also in another post you told op, because so many people don’t agree with you, it’s a you problem. It’s not. It maybe in minority but it happens in abuse or with people who experienced childhood trauma because of a neglectful or abusive parent.

Majority of population not experiencing does not mean it’s a you problem for person expressing. You are arguing with a person who is clearly impacted deeply by it. Maybe it’s her partner who uses this against her and she is stuck in cycle of too nice, too mean abuse by her partner. Maybe it’s the other parent. Who knows. Just because op has not written in full details and other posters are not able to understand for lack of context in OP’s post or due to never experiencing this themselves, it does not mean op is wrong to feel this way.

Your relentless arguments with someone trying too seek support online for her distress are very unkind. When you don’t understand something either ask or stay silent, no need to cause deny or gaslight a distressed person. Also the phrase ‘be kind’ was meant for these situations.

You havent explained the scenarios at all (ive read all your posts) you've not given a single detail that even confirms what you are suggesting- I think people have made comments and you're taking them to heart and being overly sensitive and you know that, hence why you're being so evasive.

For example telling us the actual wording used, the relationships of the people you're talking about, how any of this relates to work etc would be actually useful but you've given none of that.

I’ve given as much detail as I’m comfortable sharing. If that’s not enough for you, that’s fine but it doesn’t mean the experience didn’t happen.

But why the actual wording is important? You don’t have to be judge of if she is right to feel the way she does hearing the actual words said. People say all sort of hurtful things - from name calling to subtle digs.We all know there are abusive relationships in the world. A lot of people remain stuck in abusive relationships, and it’s easy for those who never experienced to say I don’t under why you didn’t leave. Similarly maybe op is dealing with a complex situation. Maybe op is too afraid to give details even if it may not feel rational to you.

OP, I think I understand what you're saying.

They're using information about your personal relationships (in this case, your father) to undermine you in a professional context. To wrong-foot you and make you vulnerable.

I would take a different approach to "what does my father have to do with me", personally, because I think what they are doing is unacceptable. I think rather than refuting their logic you need to call them out on the unacceptable behaviour and wrong-foot them in return.

I would go for something like:

"You need to back off now. Mentioning my father in this context is not only irrelevant but it's also unprofessional and intrusive behaviour. My family connections are irrelevant to this situation, and if you continue to bring them up, I'm afraid I'll have to assume that you're doing it in order to inappropriately harass me and take action accordingly. I'm assuming that this wasn't your intention, so I'm waiting for your apology and assurance that this intrusive behaviour won't be repeated".

Unless your father is Donald Trump, then no.

You are right having an absent father does not make op a lesser being. But sadly for those people who grew up with one problem parent and other neglectful for whatever reason, you don’t learn this early on. And then when someone throw it in your face, you struggle especially if it is done by someone close to you, who is supposed to care for you.
For children having a bad parent, kindness from other important people in their lives becomes very important for the development of a healthy self esteem.

That’s a smart arse one liner answer which shows 0 second thought and quick impulse to say something.

You need a prepared stock phrase so that you can take back control of the conversation. If you've prepped it in advance even if you're off balance you'll know to say it. Something like "That's completely irrelevant to what we're discussing, and nothing to do with me. Do you have anything else to say that's relevant, or are we done?"

I’ve had this all my life @IcyLemonWasp.

My dad is a violent, unstable bully and I spent my childhood being mocked for his unhinged behaviour and being actively excluded from friendships because people did not want their child in his presence under any circumstances.

As an adult I understand why those adults made those decisions but they often made sure to tell me explicitly why I was not welcome in their homes and wanted me to know I should feel the shame he lacked. I think now that it was their only way of venting their disgust and fear at him safely. I couldn’t attack them like he would and they could be fairly confident I wouldn’t repeat what they’d said for fear I’d be the brunt of the anger he felt. And they were right.

The children of those adults tried the same tactics when we grew up and wanted to put me in my place because I had moved on and built a life they didn’t think I was entitled to because of the way they’d been taught to think of me. I laugh it off now but it does sting. He’s a figure of ridicule now more than fear so whilst my nieces and nephews do have to hear some mocking of him, it doesn’t intrude on their lives.

People are dicks and more people will try to use that dickery for their own gain. You have to learn to detach.

I agree with a prepared stock phrase, but I would go for something more aggressive to discourage them from doing it in future.

Something like "what you've just said is entirely inappropriate and an Intrusion into my private, family life. Would you like to apologise so we can move on and discuss relevant matters or do I need to take it further?"

Yes, that's much stronger.

and for you the "personal attack" is about your father....but for other people the "personal attack" could be about many other things which is why the confusion. Everybody has a tender spot and everyone meets assholes who will use it to upset you.

"People are dicks and more people will try to use that dickery for their own gain. You have to learn to detach."

This.

Can you give me a fictional example of a conversation where this would happen, like a dialogue. I’m struggling to understand what you mean.

But why it affects you is in fact very relevant. If someone made a personal comment about my dad it wouldn't affect me at all, I'd just think the speaker is an idiot.

The fact that such comments get a reaction out of you every time implies that you struggle with emotional resilience. If you've had a difficult childhood it is completely understandable why this would be the case, but it is not a healthy reaction.

You would probably benefit from some sort of therapy to figure out your reactions and to learn strategies for dealing with specific situations.

Hmmm - I’ve experienced people using my parents against me but I’ve honestly not felt that at all. If anything it puts the other person on the back foot I think as it’s ridiculous.

I appreciate your perspective but I’m not looking for advice on therapy or resilience here - the thread was about recognising how certain personal comments can shift a conversation dynamic.

and again, only if you allow it to.

I think the best way to shift it back is to put the person making these comments very clearly in the wrong so they're concerned for their own position if they keep saying them.