To think that the moment your father is used against you, you’re powerless?

[IcyLemonWasp]

It feels like when someone weaponises your father, whether it’s bringing up his status, reputation, mistakes or even absence, you’re immediately backed into a corner. No matter what you say or do, it’s like you’ve already lost. Has anyone else experienced this?

My dad was an alcoholic when I was a kid, and other kids were fucking merciless. When the kids at school got wind of it they would bring it up so much, and it would normally end in me freaking out and hitting them. I almost pushed one girl down the stairs for mentioning it - not great lol. Now I’m an adult, if someone brought it up I wouldn’t care, but he is sober now and has been for years. It’s wild that kids who didn’t know their dad would bring up my dad as well - he may have been a pissed but he wasn’t aggressive or mean he was just irresponsible. I can’t say I’ve experienced it as an adult though apart from my ex boyfriend tried to call me an alcoholic because my dad was (ironically he was a heavy drinker so I just assumed he was projecting.)

I didn’t say because ‘I’ hadn’t experienced it, though. I said the majority of the people responding haven’t - which is borne out by hundreds of comments and hundreds of votes.

So, I’ll come back to that with: Imagine thinking that because something has (allegedly) happened to you, it’s commonplace.

This feels too specific to be used as a thread starter that you can assume everyone can relate to OP.

It reminds me of when people start really specific threads like “tell me a time you thought you were going to be late so rushed to get there then saw your boss then had to hide in the toilets and had an injury.”

I can only assume you have started the thread because you’d like to tell us about it and get people’s thoughts but maybe don’t feel comfortable telling the whole story on a forum.

Unfortunately I think you’re incorrectly assuming your own experiences are true for everyone. For example you speak about it being particularly difficult to react the way you want in the moment when someone brings up your Dad.

This is not universal at all.

Personally I find it most difficult to respond to people who do that awful scoffing noise (as if you’ve said something ridiculous and you’re an idiot) as it triggers some childhood memories for me. I know that’s quite specific though so - while it is universally rude - I wouldn’t assume it triggers the same extreme feelings in others.

We all have our own baggage but it’s not objectively true that mentioning a persons family member is a trump card or even a valid argument that you have no choice but to accept.

I’ve no idea how you’re in situations where these things are being said as I genuinely can’t imagine what a professional conversation looks like in this way. It sounds like maybe you’ve shared things about your life that people have then used against you and that is very unkind and I’m sorry this has happened.

It’s not about being ‘undone’, it’s about recognising a tactic that’s meant to wrongfoot me. I don’t crumble but I do register the shift because it’s deliberately personal and out of left field. That’s the dynamic I’m talking about.

I can't help because I don't understand what's going on here!

I never said it was commonplace, just that it’s happened to me more than once, which is enough for it to stand out. Unusual doesn’t mean impossible.

Maybe the person who is saying it has that distance to see that patterns are repeating, or behaviours, beliefs that you might not have picked up. It could be a way to pause and ask you to reflect....maybe not...but I can think if situations where someone is repeating a problem behaviour I've seen in their parent ...rather than say direct ...you're appalling...you can add a remove an opportunity to reflect by saying "you are just like...". Especially if the person it is said to YOU...really really doesn't want to be like them. Alternatively, whoever said it is being mean with personal knowledge of you. Worth really reflecting if you are mirroring behaviours you'd rather not inherit 🫶🍀

I can relate. My mother does this when she is very upset. She would rant your father did this to me, etc as if I made him do the things he did to her, not to mention all the neglect and occasional abuse I experienced as a child. It hits you like a ton of bricks, each time.

If you’re not saying it’s commonplace, what part of that comment is it that you had a problem with? That’s what ‘not a thing’ means.

I didn’t say it was impossible, just that it was clearly location or workplace specific, as it’s not happened (even once) to the overwhelming majority of us.

If it's at work is it the same person that's done it every time? I'm not usually one to rush to report every little thing that happens but this does sound like something you might want to speak to your supervisor or HR or someone else about.

Treat it with the contempt and derision it deserives as a tatic - or more likey fake it till you make it.

If it stops working after a while they'll stop doing it - as it no longer works - though with family patterns that could take a while.

You need to stop letting it wrongfoot you - and just reject it entirely.

I've had to to it with childhood labels - first you have to recongise they don't apply if they ever did then push back against them - takes time and consistancy but it does work.

Also, wanted to add my grandparents ( mother’s parents) used to sit us down to tell us all the bad things our did. I think they hoped that this will make my sibling and myself mature and less demanding of our mother, which anyways we did without needing to get details on all his actions.

In the situations I’m talking about, it’s definitely been the latter - mean-spirited and designed to get a reaction, not an invitation to reflect. If someone genuinely wanted to give constructive feedback, they’d address the behaviour directly rather than bringing up unrelated family history.

You’ve described yourself as being thrown off balance by it. So, it’s not recognising a tactic that’s meant to wrongfoot you. It’s actually wrong footing you. I’m trying to get you to explain why, as it’s an odd thing to be do affected by - particularly as it’s apparently happened more than once. It doesn’t seem like you can explain, though. Your response boils down to ‘it just does’.

Counselling, maybe? Therapy?

You called it “not a thing”, which reads as dismissing it entirely - that’s the part I disagreed with. Something can be unusual or specific without being non-existent.

Did you actually read that comment in its entirety before you responded to it?

You seem very invested in dissecting why it affects me. I’ve explained it’s because of the personal nature and timing, that’s enough for me to understand my own reaction. We can leave it at that.

Then don't let it. You clearly know that it's only being used to unsteady you emotionally and has nothing to do with the matter at hand - so ignore it.

If it's in a work context, it's utterly irrelevant and likely to fall under misconduct, so submit a grievance about them.

And if it's because it's a bloke being a shit father and claiming that you don't know what one is expected to do because yours was shit/absent/abusive/a criminal, then get rid.

I genuinely have no clue what you’re trying to explain OP.

My dad was an absent alcoholic. Nobody I have ever worked with would have this information. Are you a chronic over sharer?

Personally, if someone mentioned my dad’s shortcomings in an argument with me, I would just say “don’t be stupid, that’s irrelevant” Unless it wasn’t.

I agree with PP. It seems that you have a gigantic daddy shaped chip on your shoulder. Have you considered counselling?

Yes, I am interested in that. As I, quite literally, clearly stated.

And, as you are clearly unable to do so, I have left it at that and suggested therapy or counselling. Again, this is all in the comment to which you responded. It wasn’t unclear.

I don’t agree. Nobody reflects hearing - you are just like your father.

Also, most times the problem is with person speaking like this.

My mother has some trauma from her young days. When overwhelmed she takes out on her children. Always did. It’s a coping mechanism but a very wrong and selfish one.
She also picks up arguments with people, so when you try to talk to her in her such moods, and you are not agreeing with her, her immediate response is to turn around on you and say you are like your father or my mother in law.
Any non partial third party seeing this themselves would say she is wrong but yeah when you hear it as second hand information, people try to come up with may be this or that unless you are at the received end of this, you have a hard time understanding that and your immediate reaction is to justify and soften the blow without much consideration of impact on the receiving party. My sibling and I have grown up with the guilt sometimes children are made to feel that how their mother had it worse than others, so even when we know what she is doing is harmful to us, we have a tendency to forgive her and expose us to more abuse because she had a hard life.

Edited to say English is not my first language and my first draft is always full of misuse of articles. I am too lazy to proof-read a post I wrote first and then click send, especially when my memories are triggered. Sorry for that.

Not oversharing - in the rare cases it’s happened, the person already had that knowledge. And no, acknowledging that something is a low blow isn’t the same as having a chip on my shoulder.

The person who weaponises your father against you is the loser. No decent, caring person does that. What you can know straight away about them is that they are not worth your time.

If someone said I was like my father, I'd pause and think yikes...I'm being an arrogant bully and I might be ...because I do have some of his traits without the domestic violence...it's natural I grew up with him as an example ...I even speak like him on occasion...I wouldn't see it as an irrelevant thing to say

People only “act” how you allow them to act, this person be it romantic/family what ever only use this behaviour because you have allowed it. Shut them down, have nothing to do with them until they realise they cannot treat you this way. You seem like you have low self esteem. Take back the power they have over you