To think that the moment your father is used against you, you’re powerless?

[IcyLemonWasp]

It feels like when someone weaponises your father, whether it’s bringing up his status, reputation, mistakes or even absence, you’re immediately backed into a corner. No matter what you say or do, it’s like you’ve already lost. Has anyone else experienced this?

This sounds very specific.

I think it can happen with mothers too but in my experience it’s been fathers. Maybe because in some contexts, a father’s presence, absence or reputation is more tied to perceptions of status or identity.

If you let it. You don't have to.

But I still don't see how that makes you lose an argument unless you were saying something yourself about their own shortcomings.

No one has ever done this to me.

And frankly, they had plenty of material to work with. My father was hardly a saint.

It's never occured to me during an argument that a person's father would have anything to do with my issue with them either.

I feel the reverse. If someone has to drag my father’s or mother’s corpse out of their graves and use their many serious flaws to make a point - even if it’s “the apple don’t fall far from the tree” scenario- then they have 100% lost whatever the argument is.

As per pp.. what context is this being used in @IcyLemonWasp ?
By whom and in what situation?

If someone tries to use your father’s actions etc against you, a totally separate person, then that does indeed say more about them than you. I would take back the power by saying that to them.. Anyone who has to say, eg ‘you’re just like your good-for-nothing father’, or similar, has already lost the argument.

It sounds like you have some very toxic relationships and low self esteem for this to be an issue.

I was 29 and a man in his 50s spat in my face on learning who my Dad was.
My Dad committed suicide when I was 18 and was a nasty violent wife (mother) beating piece of shit. He wasn't a loss.

Completely unnecessary though. It's carrying the burden of the trauma already lived and adding to it. In my case.

It’s happened in personal disputes and even professional settings, where someone brings up my father’s absence or history to undermine me. The context varies but the effect is the same - it shifts the focus away from the issue at hand and puts me on the defensive.

Is it that they use this to wrongfoot you and hurt you emotionally, which then allows the person to exploit your weakness, as you struggle to compose yourself, to dominate you?

I hope you reported this man for assaulting you.

Not really, I’ve handled it fine but the point of my post was more about how those kinds of comments can be used to shift dynamics, not about my own self-esteem.

OP are you Prince Harry?

I was going to go for one of Boris Johnson's many kids...

Yes that’s exactly it, it’s less about the content of what’s being said and more about how it’s used to wrongfoot you and shift the balance in their favour.

Only if you let it.

Is it weird that I read this in Darth Vader's voice?

I don’t really get what you mean? Can you give a specific example? Surely if anyone brought up a parent, you would just ask why they thought that would be relevant?

So just ask how is that relevant?

Is your father famous? Nobody has ever brought up my father in a professional setting because they wouldn't have a clue who he is. Also nobody has done so in a personal dispute either because he isn't particularly relevant to my life. It's very strange this keeps happening to you.

Were you in an argument and someone said, “You’re abusive just like your dad” or something?

We need actual context for what you’re talking about.

Its fairly unusual OP so not that relevant. Its like if someone insults you about something irrelevant and you thinking that its a common situation that occurs to most people

Unless we're talking about medieval history or other cultures where insults and grievances are carried down the male line Mafia style, then no, this isnt a thing

You just had a strange encounter with someone and need to dismiss what they said

Ha, no but I can see why you’d ask. I just mean more in a general sense, where family dynamics get pulled into unrelated situations.