To think that the moment your father is used against you, you’re powerless?

[IcyLemonWasp]

It feels like when someone weaponises your father, whether it’s bringing up his status, reputation, mistakes or even absence, you’re immediately backed into a corner. No matter what you say or do, it’s like you’ve already lost. Has anyone else experienced this?

Did a romantic partner do this? Eg He couldn’t get his way so said that you said no because your father’s absence means that you hate all men

It’s a very juvenile way to argue with someone but partners and families know where your weakness lie and they know that the subject of your father bothers you.

I don't really know what OP is talking about. But I am illegitimate and it's always felt like a slight on me and it's took a long time to not let it. So people could easily use my sense of inadequacy against me.
And I hate that awful mungo jerry song in the summertime
The line that says if her daddy's poor you can do what you please.

Ok, well I dont know how they would know about your dad, how is it that 'heated' conversations are happening in the work place, what sort of work do you do?

And like another poster I would be laughing at the preposterousness of it rather than feeling undermined.

I think if someone is using say,
your Father to make you feel bad are, in themself losing the argument.
You are not your Father , Mother or anyone else that's mentioned. You are you.

Anyone who weaponises someone’s childhood or family history isn’t acting in good faith. My point was more about how quickly it changes the power dynamic in the moment, regardless of whether you know you’re not responsible. Even if your rational mind knows it’s irrelevant, it can still hit hard and wrongfoot you.

No because I’m not part of a repressive medieval feudal society?

I think if someone said this to me I'd reply, what has that got to do with me?! We are separate people!??!

And it can't be great if your father is Peter Sutcliffe or his like.

This.
The moment they mention your father in a completely unrelated discussion, they have lost, because they have run out of logical arguments and are just resorting to throwing abuse around.
That means they are powerless to win and you have "won".

You level of power or powerlessness is completely unrelated to whatever anybody says or does. It is an internal quality, part of your character.
Powerful people are not affected by random insults about their fathers because they have inner strength.
Powerless people are at the mercy of others, no matter how kind or cruel those other people are.

Find and grow your inner sense of power.

How would colleagues know anything at all about your father unless you got your job/ promotion through nepotism?

I can see how close family and friends could weaponise a parent (along the lines of "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree" - you're just like your [commitment shy/ irresponsible/ alcoholic/ dishonest] father" or "What can you expect from the child of [father's name]" or similar below the belt stuff, but how on earth would professional acquaintances even have knowledge of your family of origin unless you chose to overshare?

You're being so defuse about quite what is said that it's sounding like something that could only happen within the extended family, unless your father is famous/ wealthy/ influential in your immediate circle and profession and your relationship to him is something you make public in order to leverage it yourself?

So a particular person has form for throwing personal details about your dad into professional meetings.

You know they do it, so expect it so that it doesn't discombobulate you next time. And prepare your response - " what the hell has my dad got to do with the matter at hand, Jo?" - and deliver it lashingly. Shut this dynamic down, now you've recognised it.

This, how on earth does your colleagues know about your dad?
You absolutely cannot be the only person in your workplace/their lives who's dads not around?!
V confused!!

The tactic isn’t unique to comments about fathers, I just used that because it’s the pattern I’ve personally experienced most. It’s not that I see it as a weakness but when someone exploits something personal in that way, it can still knock you off balance in the moment.

I understand. Now, what do we know about people who take cheap shots like this?

They are vindictive.
They are unkind
They are childish.

Why are they like this?

Because they feel powerless. A person with power can put their point across without resorting to personal slights. People who attack do so because they feel defensive.

It is actually YOU who has the power. The ball is in your court and it is your turn to serve.

Well that can only happen if you allow it.....

Yes, that’s a good way of putting it - it’s like a shortcut to derail the discussion. And it hasn’t just been one person, which is probably why it stands out to me so much.

The power comes from the impact or perceived impact, it has on you.
You’ve put a lot of emphasis on this and this is the power.
Take that power back and know it’s used because they’re scrabbling to be effective anywhere else.
Think of a phrase that you can use to switch the power every time and show them it actually shows their weakness and not yours.

How do your work colleagues know anything about your father or your relationship / lack of with him

If someone has resorted to insulting your family ('the apple doesn't fall far from the tree' or suchlike) then they are obviously feeling backed into a corner themselves (feel they are losing the debate/argument). Is this what you mean?

Have you tried something like this:

'Well, I heard that your dad is a loser/thief/whatever'

'Possibly. But that is my dad. Not me.'

It can hurt when people do this because bad things may be true about a relative but they are still your relative and you may still love them very much. I would be honest, if it is the case: 'I know you have heard this about my father but he is still my father; it's complicated but I love him and hearing stuff like this hurts me so please can we not speak about him again?'

You say they are 'weaponising' your father's reputation so removing the weapon from them in a compassionate way will speak volumes about your character and they will be able to see how you are not your father and that this is far more complex for you (and your father) than 'your father is a...'.

I think you’re going to have to literally detail the conversation for people to have a chance to relate at all.

I’ll have a stab

’so this graph here shows our sales’
’yeah well you would say that, your dad was never there’

’what on earth are you talking about? So as I said, this graph here shows our sales’

Yes, that kind of sins of the father angle, where someone links your character to your father’s actions or history, even when it’s unrelated.

So your dad isn't famous or well known, yet multiple people you work with know his history and have weaponised this? He must at least be a pretty notorious character locally, in that case.

Not exactly that example but yes, similar in that it’s used as an emotional shortcut to undermine me, rather than engaging with the actual point. It’s definitely a juvenile tactic but it’s still effective in the moment.

It sounds like you have a chip on your shoulder about your dad and the person mentioning your dad is saying it because they know it's the way to get under your skin. A bit like when you are self conscious about your wonky nose, even though your nose isn't wonky at all. If someone wants to hurt you they will mention your wonky nose to you and watch you squirm.
If someone used my dad's behaviour to put me on the backfoot it wouldn't work. It would be a bizarre comment to make but wouldn't shift the dynamic at all.
Imagine instead of mentioning your dad's behaviour they would blame/mention your uneven eyebrows. Would that shift the dynamic for you? Like someone else said, it's not a dynamic shifting thing to say unless you allow it to be.

This is like a guessing game.

did you have an affair with your married boss, and people in the office suggest that you have daddy issues?