MIL cut my daughter's hair for the first time without asking

[DangleDonkey]

My ex-partner has taken our daughter on holiday abroad to stay with his mum and stepdad for 8 days. While we were having a video call tonight, he said, "Can you see her hair looks a bit different?" and I had actually noticed, I just thought it was wet. He then said, "My mum's cut it a bit" and when I enquired more, he said she's cut a bit off the sides to neaten it up a bit.

Our daughter is nearly 3 and has never had a haircut before. Her hair is curly and honestly mostly a wild gorgeous tangle, and we don't do much to it. Recently, I've started putting it in little bunches which makes her look a little neater and more grown up.

I'm feeling confused that what feels like a big milestone (only child's first haircut) has happened without me, and without me being considered. I would have liked to be there but actually more than that I don't think she needs a haircut yet - her hair needs to grow a bit as it's currently just growing out in all directions.

I genuinely don't think my ex will have thought this was a big deal. He'll have gone along with it because his mum suggested it, in my opinion. He won't have wanted to upset me but I also predict he'll be dismissive when I bring this up.

I haven't said anything yet to my ex because I felt like I needed to think and process this first. Am I being unreasonable to be upset?

Cut it a bit is nowhere near having a full hair cut, if it’s wild like you say, it was probably trimmed to help manage it. My MIL took it on herself to take both my boys to get their first proper Clark’s shoes, although I appreciated her buying them, I was a bit put out but didn’t say anything.

Then don’t have a baby with someone who has family overseas and then have a healthy enough relationship with them that you want your child to benefit from seeing their extended family.

Curly hair needs a lot of care, stating you don’t do much with it and it’s a wild tangle suggests it isn’t be cared for appropriately, so I wouldn’t be surprised if a trim was needed to remove bits that are too tangled to brush when wet.

This. Also, I think people vastly overestimate (1) how charming their children’s messy hair is and (2) how much of a milestone a haircut is.

Did she just trim the sides a bit where her hair was falling into her mouth or eyes, your mil shouldn't have done it unless dh gave her permission, what did dh say

I could not get worked up over this, a haircut is not a milestone. Maybe your more upset then you would be if it had happened at home becuase you’re missing her?

This is how you end up in court

People want men to step up and parent and be more of a sperm donor yet when they do something the mother doesn't want it is 'the child is mine'

If you have a reasonable relationship with your ex, I think you need to let this go. The co-parenting relationship can be difficult, and he could see this as you criticising his mother, not him, and get very defensive.

You do need to think about some non-negotiables for you though, and discuss with him - for me it was corporal punishment and ear piercing.

It's really hard when your child is out of the country with their other parent, as a PP said, this is possibly making it seem worse. She'll be home soon!

Why is it not acceptable? Is a father not allowed to get his child’s hair cut? Is it just a mother’s role? I really cannot understand this obsession with hair - it grows. It needs cutting. Fathers can make decisions as to when that happens.

I remember when I bought my friends daughter a coat, she was about 18 months old and my friend went loopy saying it was a milestone and she should be the one etc. we are not friends now but all these milestones seem nuts to me. However, with curly hair, you really need a hairdresser who knows their stuff so I would not be ok with this.

Could be worse. My MIL butchered all 3 of my son's hair on the morning of our wedding & I had no idea till we got to the venue & they'd all got fridges half way up their foreheads & the 3yr looked like he'd been given a short bob 😂

I would be pissed off. My daughter has a natural side parting so I never gave her a fringe. When she was 3 her hair was a bit annoying cos it got in her face a bit as I was growing it so it would be able to tuck behind her ears. It was only like it for a few months. I spent those few months on high alert in case my mil or worse, fil cut her a stupid fringe when she was at their house. Luckily they never did but it was a real fear of mine. Instead as soon as my back was turned mil would put my daughters hair in a high ponytail, the sort my daughter hated

A wild gorgeous tangle? Come on now, I know she’s your daughter and you’re biased but a wild tangle isn’t gorgeous. If she has curly hair you need to be looking after it properly.

Washing, heavy conditioning and brushing through and then using specific products to maintain her curls so they don’t become a “wild tangle”

she probably looks better for having it tidied up. It’s a haircut, she didn’t take her to get her nose pierced.

Your child has two parents, that means her father can make decisions for her wellbeing as well as you. Ask yourself if you would let her father know that you were taking her to get her hair cut….the answer is no you wouldn’t. You don’t own your child and the haircut has probably done her a favour. Look after your child’s hair and don’t let it become a “wild tangle”

I would have hit the roof. It’s a total overstep and I would have been furious.

It’s not ‘contact time’ it’s a parent parenting.

It was the MIL who did it.

Totally get it. I would be put out. I’m surprised they didn’t consider that. Not much point in saying anything

I think you are being unreasonable. You and her sad aren't together. I imagine there are lots of first that he has missed. My H and I are together and he missed loots of firsts as well because he was working. He dad got her hair cut. It doesn't matter that EX mil did it. He's her dad and he agreed. He get to make decisions for DD justice you do. He probably didn't even realise it'd her first hair cut or that you'd be bothered by it.

A father asking his mum to give his DD’s wild hair a trim isn’t a ‘total overstep’. It’s called making a parenting decision for the benefit of a child. Little kids with longer wild hair in the heat just end up in a sweaty mess. No matter how cute they may look.

^^ 100% this , it’s certain that the OP wouldn’t wouldn’t checked with her Ex about this, or any other made up bullshit “milestone”, so why does he need to check ?

How is a child’s parents taking the decision to get their haircut because it is tangled anx messy an over step?

If anything the OP leaving her daughter’s hair to get into such a “wild tangle” is neglect. Curly hair needs properly caring for.

Women moan that men are useless Dads and then also moan when they step up and actually parent the child! Children are not objects that you possess. The OP is acting like a 5 year old who’s Dolly was stolen and had their hair chopped off.

The child in question is a living human being who deserves the right to have dignity to not be walking round looking like they’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards. The child in question has TWO parents who should both be equally able of making decisions for the child’s autonomy.

If you leave it in a tangle, she might have had to cut it to get mats out! I have curly hair - it needs looking after properly, a good conditioner and finger-combing as it dries will stop tangling while not breaking up the curls into frizz. I recommend Aussie 100 hours hydration serum just on the ends while it's still damp - look out for it being on a three for two offer in the supermarket as it's sometimes priced ridiculously on its own.

Why?
what happens when the OP wants a summary holiday abroad, does the ex have to come along, he is also the child’s parent

That would irritate me too but if you go in all guns blazing because you will seem like you are overreacting.

If he were my DH I’d send a message to MIL like “hi looks like you are all having a wonderful time! just wanted to say please don’t cut any more of her hair off because we have been waiting for it to grow past the short/ messy curls stage so we can style it better. I know it can look chaotic at the moment but as soon as it grows out a bit more it will be more under control. Looking forward to seeing you when you’re back!”

HOWEVER, since he’s an ex maybe you just need to let it go. Unfortunately it’s part of co-parenting that you can’t control what happens on the other parent’s time. I wonder if this is also part of the bigger picture which you are struggling with?