MIL cut my daughter's hair for the first time without asking

[DangleDonkey]

My ex-partner has taken our daughter on holiday abroad to stay with his mum and stepdad for 8 days. While we were having a video call tonight, he said, "Can you see her hair looks a bit different?" and I had actually noticed, I just thought it was wet. He then said, "My mum's cut it a bit" and when I enquired more, he said she's cut a bit off the sides to neaten it up a bit.

Our daughter is nearly 3 and has never had a haircut before. Her hair is curly and honestly mostly a wild gorgeous tangle, and we don't do much to it. Recently, I've started putting it in little bunches which makes her look a little neater and more grown up.

I'm feeling confused that what feels like a big milestone (only child's first haircut) has happened without me, and without me being considered. I would have liked to be there but actually more than that I don't think she needs a haircut yet - her hair needs to grow a bit as it's currently just growing out in all directions.

I genuinely don't think my ex will have thought this was a big deal. He'll have gone along with it because his mum suggested it, in my opinion. He won't have wanted to upset me but I also predict he'll be dismissive when I bring this up.

I haven't said anything yet to my ex because I felt like I needed to think and process this first. Am I being unreasonable to be upset?

Issue as MIL didn’t check if you minded
That's only an issue if she also didn't check with her son who was right there. And there's no suggestion she didn't. I wouldn't expect MIL to check with me about something as unimportant as a haircut if DH was right there any more than I'd expect my mum to check with DH if I was right there.

I'd wager a lot of those saying OP is right to be pissed off that she wasn't consulted wouldn't be saying the same if OP was the father and it was the child's maternal grandmother who had done the trim.

If she knew it was a first haircut it's not on and YANBU to be upset. However at 3 years old there's a decent chance she had no idea it was the first cut?

It might be worth visiting a hairdresser with her to get a small tidy up and you can keep a little ringlet of her hair. I have relatives who have been attached to their kids hair and the kids were so straggly and scruffy, they looked brilliant after a little even out by the hairdresser.

Ps this isn't to minimise your feelings now, but in a couple of years you'll look back and this won't feel like a big issue like it does now.

It's a milestone for you but not your DD, she won't remember.
When she is 5 take her to the hairdressers and make a new milestone for the both of you.

Then you need to actually discuss what each of you consider to be a first.

Unless first haircut is a social/religious event it really doesn’t matter much - its not worth making a big deal of if you have a good working relationship with your ex. You won’t both see every little first and nor will you agree on which firsts matter. Many of the “firsts” will be forgotten in years to come and barely noticed on the next children if you have them.

In 10 and 20 years time you will honestly wonder why you thought it mattered.

But MIL presumably checked with the child’s father if it was ok. Why does it need to go through the mother. Both parents can make these decisions.

I doubt the mother runs every decision through the father when it’s her time solo parenting. It works both ways.

Men really can’t win. Women moan that men don’t parent enough and everything is left down to them yet when the men do parent they’re told they’re out of order and should have checked with the mother first.

and yes I am a woman!

I’d be pissed off too, but why shouldn’t a dad have his child’s hair cut? Would you ask his permission before you got her hair cut?

What a load of absolute tripe
, kids getting their hair trimmed is absolute non event , the father was there present and clearly a parenting choice was made, not every little choice needed to be agreed on , you and these parents are not married

Honestly not every first is in anyway significant. Your daughter is not going to be upset by you not being there for the first. Nor will it bare any significance to all the other firsts coming up. Let it go and pick your battles in life.

@Limehawkmoth hair is part of people’s, even children’s, self perception and identity. Their appearance is defined by it as much as height, colour of eye. People don’t cry when they loose a toenails…they certainly get very distressed if haircuts get wrong o4 god forbid they are affected by hair loss.

It sounds like the child was perfectly delighted with her hair and excited to show it off to her mum.

It’s a big milestone and I’d would be very sad if I had miss it. To the people saying you choose to make it a big deal - well, you all must be used to letting others decide what’s important for you. Having said that, potentially she assumed it was not the first haircut so I might be an honest mistake.

You live a charmed life if you have enough head space to be so bothered. I don't remember my children's first head cuts, visit to santa, dental check ups etc. You will have a lifetime of firsts. Being separated from DC father will always be difficult. You have at least 40 years of this!

It is a big deal

snipits.com/first-haircut-heres-how-to-make-your-childs-first-kid-cut-a-happy-memory/

A random 90s clip art website, the beacon of knowledge.

OP, I'd say pick your battles. Hair grows back and you may not actually have noticed that it had been cut if he hadn't mentioned it. Does it really matter? You can't be there for all your child's experiences.

Please don't be one of those people who turn minor things into dramas, for your daughter's sake. She seems to have a good relationship with her father and his family: this is incredibly important for her future — lots of research showing the importance of stable, cordial family connections in childhood leading to confidence and stability in later life. Let this go.

Perhaps it got really tangled with being in and out of the water.

My daughter has curls and it's a nightmare if she's in pool/sea a lot.

Given it's just a little tidy I don't think it's worth getting upset about. If it had been a full chop that made her look radically different then I could see you'd have missed something.

A first haircut isn't really an event in itself. Mine mostly cried!

No, children don't think much about their hair unless they are raised by parents for whom a hairstyle or the way they look is important or exposed to social media or advertising that tells them the way their hair looks is important.

Children don't come into the world understanding that they are expected to look cute/ have haircuts that make them look a certain way. For a child it's just hair — until adults make it into something symbolic and important and start fetishising it.

Sadly part of co-parenting is sometimes accepting the other parent gets a first. In this case your x didnt see it as a big issue and allowed his mum to do so.

I would not mention the incident as a starting point as it may make him defensive. Try something like. I wondered if we could discuss big firsts and how we decide who gets to do them. See if you can get some agreement that way. This will ensure in the future neither of you have a feeling of having lost out.

Missing my point entirely! I never said she wasn’t . At 3 she’d love if she’d been shaved bald probably 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Yep - not on. You’re absolutely justified in feeling a bit upset. Her father could have texted you first and asked. We don’t know, but I’d think the MIL suggested this. Whoever’s idea it was, they should have mentioned it first.

My ex did this, but basically cut off almost all of DC’s hair. It was very upsetting. People even commented on it (and not in a ‘doesn’t it look lovely’ way, as it genuinely looked shocking) It was a power play for him. However your ex doesn’t sound quite so horrible, so just explain rather than accuse.

OK, lots of strong feelings here!

Firstly I can say with confidence that we don't neglect our daughter. Tangle was maybe the wrong word to use - her hair is just natural and cute, it gets brushed and washed as often as she'll let us. It's barely chin length. I put it in bunches or a ponytail to keep it looking neat.

I make a big effort with not charging ahead when it comes to excluding ex-partner from things that inbolve our daughter, checking decisions with him, he writes half the nursery reports and the baby/toddler books because he's mentioned in passing that he'd like to and then it takes him months to complete them etc. But I wait and patiently remind as it's important to me that I don't just take over, make unilateral decisions etc.

I would have absolutely mentioned taking her for a haircut, not asking for permission but because communication is important and feels natural to me to do.

It feels like here the same effort to think about me wasn't considered.

He's an active dad, I trust him to make decisions for her welfare etc. I don't mind him taking her abroad to spend time with family. I'd just like him to respect that there are certain things he needs to consider, even if that consideration doesn't come naturally. This doesn't mean I expect him to ask permission to wash our child, obviously 🙄

We're right at the very start of our co-parenting relationship so advice to pick my battles is really valuable and helpful. This is all new to me, and yes it does feel vulnerable and uncertain. It's been quite the year.

Thank you to those who've made empathetic comments. This was a relationship where I regularly felt dismissed and like my feelings didn't matter, and it was a burden on my ex to try and put himself in my shoes. Putting the wishes and preferences of his mum before mine has been an issue before and contributed to our break up, is definitely a sore point and is definitely present in my reaction to this situation.

This is the thing, the child has 2 equal parents and one parent was there and have permission. Presumably OP is allowed to make decisions when her exH is not there so it works both ways. I can still see why she’s annoyed but unfortunately that’s just the way it is. Posters saying ‘8 days is so long’ why? She’s with her parent.

But it’s her 1st haircut. Not her 3rd or 72nd.
It’s a milestone.
My husband and I parent jointly. My husband couldn’t come along to my son’s first haircut but he enjoyed the video I took because it was special for him.
It’s a big deal for most parents and I would expect any Father / Mother / Grandparent to understand that.
It also sets a trend for what may come in the future. What else is OP not going to be involved in?
A phonecall, out of courtesy, before hacking precious baby curls, wouldn’t have been too much to ask imo.

My ex also 100% knows she's not had a trim before. Because that wouldn't have happened without him knowing.

As with all these issues, it's not about the haircut itself. It's wanting to be treated with consideration when you feel like you treat the other person with consideration.

She’s 3 with tangled hair which grows in all directions. It’s possible that they didn’t realise it was a first cut and b) they were having trouble combing it and thought a trim might help. It’s not a big deal and it sounds like it needed a trim anyway. Matted messy baby curls aren’t particularly cute they just look a mess and most children will have had at least a bit of a tidy up by 3