MIL cut my daughter's hair for the first time without asking

[DangleDonkey]

My ex-partner has taken our daughter on holiday abroad to stay with his mum and stepdad for 8 days. While we were having a video call tonight, he said, "Can you see her hair looks a bit different?" and I had actually noticed, I just thought it was wet. He then said, "My mum's cut it a bit" and when I enquired more, he said she's cut a bit off the sides to neaten it up a bit.

Our daughter is nearly 3 and has never had a haircut before. Her hair is curly and honestly mostly a wild gorgeous tangle, and we don't do much to it. Recently, I've started putting it in little bunches which makes her look a little neater and more grown up.

I'm feeling confused that what feels like a big milestone (only child's first haircut) has happened without me, and without me being considered. I would have liked to be there but actually more than that I don't think she needs a haircut yet - her hair needs to grow a bit as it's currently just growing out in all directions.

I genuinely don't think my ex will have thought this was a big deal. He'll have gone along with it because his mum suggested it, in my opinion. He won't have wanted to upset me but I also predict he'll be dismissive when I bring this up.

I haven't said anything yet to my ex because I felt like I needed to think and process this first. Am I being unreasonable to be upset?

I doubt that to be honest - I bet you make decisions every day, about youe daughter, without consultung him. How could you not?
I also think responses to your OP will be affected by mentioning MIL.

Putting the wishes and preferences of his mum before mine has been an issue before and contributed to our break up, is definitely a sore point and is definitely present in my reaction to this situation.

I suspected she is a tricky character and this is not an unusal dynamic and outcome for realtionships.

Likely he was brough up with an overbearing mother that he didnt dare stand up to .... so he subconsciously holds resentment and anger inside which gets projected onto you as he dare not be assertive with her. He can then in his own mind blame you for daring to have feelings and expressing those feelings. When one represses the other expresses. But these types of men throw their wives and partners under the bus all the time instead of dealing with their mother directly as they have unresolved issues and see any expression of emotion or need as risky conflict. Basically he's emotionally a fightened little boy who grew up with a volatile parent and learnt not to rock the boat - but this is unsustainable so he kicks out at you instead.

Keep speaking up, calmly and assertively.

Did it look a bit of a mess Op and that’s why she did it?

I'm a grandmother and this is awful. I am still aghast at my own Mum putting blonde streaks through my 7 year olds hair when I left her there for the day, way back in the 2000s.

Some grandmother's just forget that it's not their child.

In that case op it's imperative that you explain this to her and him.
It's even worse than I thought

Yeah, I'd be furious. Specifically because it's a haircut. That's a big deal to me.

I need to analyse why - but that won't change the fact that I'd be as upset as you are.

Your feelings are actually perfectly normal and your not the first to feel this way. It's actually an issue that is quite often put into parenting orders. The reality is though your daughter has 2 parents and this is probably the first time this has really hit you hard. Luckily it's just hair and it will grow back. Like other posters have said though. Might pay to have a chat with ex about things like haircuts and ear piercing for the future.

In some countries seat belts in cars before a certain year are actually illegal. Don't know why though. I know you can't have them in vintage cars in New Zealand.

Not necessarily. My mum was very good at cutting curly hair and she wasn't a hairdresser.

I still remember the 1st time my eldest son cut his own hair, big chunk out of the fringe, right before professional photos was scheduled. Now that was annoying.

I think the deeper issue is that OP wasn't included in the decision to cut her little girls hair while with her father. What if Grandma thought she'd look cute with earrings?

@Kweenbeee excellent post.
Op unfortunately your ex is in a classic dynamic with mum.

Ooooo I’m getting annoyed on your behalf OP!!
No one has the right to do anything like this without your express permission!!!

I would try and grow each of my children’s hair out so they didn’t have a fringe as I find it a pain to maintain, yet without fail on numerous occasions I’d pick my kiddo(s) up from my parents and my mother will have ‘trimmed their fringe’ because it was getting their eyes!!

So not only did it look a mess - because she is not a hairdresser and has no natural skill for cutting hair! - but now the growing out of the hair was gonna take even longer!!

Also, I found out recently my mother once was looking after a friends son and cut his hair because she thought it was too long - his parents were growing it specifically and loved his long hair!! I couldn’t believe it!!!

The entitlement is unreal and so selfish!

Would you be saying 8 days is a long time if it was the mum taking the child to see her parents?

It would have been good for ex to have asked your view first. But in reality, you two are separated and presumably he has equal parental rights?
It’s one thing keeping you informed out of courtesy and giving you your place, but he doesn’t actually need your permission. And would you have asked for his if the situation were reversed? No. Because you wouldn’t have needed it either. And you each can’t necessarily be there for all the ‘firsts’ either so if this is about you not being part of it, honestly, would you really both have attended the hairdressers together to get her first cut? Is that really what you expected? If the answer to that is genuinely yes then great, you obviously have a good co parenting relationship, or you thought you did and he was unreasonable. He would have been better to have called and said ‘my mums offering to cut DD hair, what do you think?’ and the only reasonable answer from you would have been ‘I’d rather she didn’t. Can we do this together and take her to a hairdressers when she gets home?’ So if you genuinely think you would have taken her together then Yanbu. If not, Yabu.

Jeez it's a small trim. You can speak to him when he's back if it bothers you so much. Can I remember my DC's first haircuts? Nope. Think you are overreacting OP.

Maybe he didn't think that his child looking a scraggy unkempt mess is cute.
It's hair. It grows back. It's not like it's an earring or tattoo.

Nothing to do with it being first hair cut. Can be considered as assault without permission. I realise other parent was present but even so. Hope she asked your daugter if it was OK.

Haha she doesn't look like a scraggy unkempt mess. Just a toddler with her natural curly hair 🥰

I wouldn't be too bothered unless it was a massive change - but I appreciate people feel differently about this.

The thing is, if it's not a big deal to one person (as maybe it isn't to MIL or your ex) then it can be hard for them to see why it would be to anyone else - it just wouldn't be intuitive. I imagine they'd both appreciate that you wouldn't want DDs hair changed completely without your input, but not necessarily that you would see the first time she gets a trim by a family member to be emotionally important. So I wouldn't make too big a thing of it and I don't think it was a massive over-reach by MIL - who may not even know you've never cut it before, either, to be fair. It sounds like from her point of view or your ex's, she was just doing a small act of care, as it wasn't announced as 'look she's had her first haircut'

I think given one of your last comments OP, you have a somewhat idealist view of co-parenting. I mean that kindly.

Your DD is only a toddler now but as she gets older there will be some decisions that need to be made on the spot or at the very least, without the months of procrastination that you say your ex has a habit of.

I completely understand your annoyance about the haircut, I’d hate it too. But I think that as co-parents, there will inevitably be some times where you can’t enter into negotiations with the other parent, and will need to make your own decision. And same for your ex.

I would suggest thinking about the things that feel really important to you and explicitly saying to him, if any of these XYZ things come up, I’d like us to have a discussion first. That way you don’t have to worry about him not putting himself in your shoes and there can be no misunderstandings like this.

Her Father gets a say too, just because you are her mother it doesn't mean everything has to be your way. You say yourself your daughters hair is tangled and you don't do much with it, so why are you moaning, maybe her dad is fed up of seeing his daughters hair a mess. Do you know how sore it is having tangles and knots brushed out of your ? Your poor wee daughter.

My MIL did this when my child was a baby, just one afternoon while looking after them for a few hours. It was also the first lock that had ever been cut and I had plans to keep it, as my mum did with my first lock. A child’s first haircut is special and I would have expected a mother (ie MIL) to understand that. YANBU

Nope not acceptable at all. I always run this kind of thing by my DDs dad, and he quite rightly would do the same. He was against her getting her ears pierced so I respected his stance and when she was older he said it was ok but these are things that just one parent can’t do. You should have been consulted for sure.