MIL cut my daughter's hair for the first time without asking

[DangleDonkey]

My ex-partner has taken our daughter on holiday abroad to stay with his mum and stepdad for 8 days. While we were having a video call tonight, he said, "Can you see her hair looks a bit different?" and I had actually noticed, I just thought it was wet. He then said, "My mum's cut it a bit" and when I enquired more, he said she's cut a bit off the sides to neaten it up a bit.

Our daughter is nearly 3 and has never had a haircut before. Her hair is curly and honestly mostly a wild gorgeous tangle, and we don't do much to it. Recently, I've started putting it in little bunches which makes her look a little neater and more grown up.

I'm feeling confused that what feels like a big milestone (only child's first haircut) has happened without me, and without me being considered. I would have liked to be there but actually more than that I don't think she needs a haircut yet - her hair needs to grow a bit as it's currently just growing out in all directions.

I genuinely don't think my ex will have thought this was a big deal. He'll have gone along with it because his mum suggested it, in my opinion. He won't have wanted to upset me but I also predict he'll be dismissive when I bring this up.

I haven't said anything yet to my ex because I felt like I needed to think and process this first. Am I being unreasonable to be upset?

You are not being unreasonable. My granddaughter who’s three, my daughter’s child, has lovely curly hair, but I feel it needs a bit of a trim but would not dream of even mentioning it! Certainly not cutting it without my daughter’s permission. She would be so upset. I mean actually heartbroken.

Nope wouldn't bother me 2 out of my 4 had there first cut with there father and unarranged and that's his right to. Besides there's bigger deals to figure in life than making a scene over something small

Lack of consideration to who? The Mum. Yet again a mum putting their feelings first in a situation that involves their child.

The only consideration in this situation should be for this child who the OP openly admitted had hair that was a wild tangle. That’s not ok and is verging on neglect.

The child in question has TWO parents who can make decisions for them and this child clearly needed a haircut to help managed their hair and stop them looking unkept.

Where does your angle on this end. Should the father never cut his child’s toe nails if they’re over grown and unkept because he hasn’t got permission from the child’s mum?

Should he not bathe the child if she was unwashed and unkept because he hadn’t got permission from the child’s mum?

The child in question needed their hair seen to and the mum clearly wasn’t going to do it.

The child wasn’t taken to get a tattoo or a piercing. It’s a haircut.

My mum gave my son his first cut. I didn’t care. Didn’t realise it was something to get upset about

It wouldn't bother me, and I think it would be unfair to make a big deal of it unless you had previously clearly stated that you intended to make a ceremony of her first haircut, because not everybody does.

No dont. Your feelings are valid - they are about being protective and you experiencing an intrusion, take-over, control and an underhand criticism of your ways.

My MIL was obsessed with her mobile hairdresser and wanted her to cut my 4 year olds hair - I made excuses for ages and relented. My 4 year old had a gorgeous side parting fringeless bob which had taken years to perfect. I agreed to a trim and made it very clear to her 'no fringe' (she has a round face) - my DH took her over and you can guess what happened - this hideous bulky fringe chopped in. I was viserally upset. My MIL was a narc and this was about control.

Your feelings are valid and your boundaries reflect this.

It's so inconsiderate to do this but it's surprisingly common.

It's even more rude because although so many think it's not a big deal I'm sure that they also know that for others it's a very big deal, and they go ahead anyway.

Oh goodness - didnt spot he was an ex.

Even worse this will be about ownership and territory marking by xMIL who lives abroad and obviously out of the day to day life of her DGD.

It's massively inconsiderate but at least it seems to have been done neatly.

My MIL decided to cut DS1s hair which had never been cut. It looked like it had been hacked with a butchers knife. I was horrified. I had to get the clippers out and give him a grade 4 buzz cut to make it look OK again.

Let it go. Not worth the agro. And as you described it as a wild tangle growing in all directions, she probably needed it.

I could have written a near identical post, only difference is my husband and I are still together. My in laws live in Europe and would kindly have our kids for a week every summer. MIL cut my daughter’s hair, cut her lovely curls very short. I cried, didn’t say anything but still 23 years later I look at photos and can remember how upset I was. I got over it, her hair grew and now I think it’s funny what little things can upset you when they’re young. Wait for the teenage years, they are much more upsetting firsts then.🤣🤣

Her dad supervised a haircut. What’s the problem?

I wouldn't take it as a MIL issue here. She was with one of the parents, not making decisions on her own.

Just tell your ex nicely. No need to go into a huge fight, say it was a nice idea but because it's a milestone for you, you would have preferred to be around.

What are milestones for you are non-events for others, and there will be many to come, it's the problem with co-parenting.

YANBU to be quietly gutted about it, your feelings are valid.

Unfortunately as you obviously already know, it is just one of those things you can’t demand.

It sounds like you have a good approach to coparenting, wanting to be amicable and collaborative. So approaching it gently without anger is going to be your best move. I’m glad to hear it doesn’t sound like it was done with malice.

I love how thoroughly dismissive people are about this, many of whom would hit the fucking roof If their husbands came back from MILs with their child having had their first haircut having not discussed it. I guess the subtext there is that because you’ve separated you have no rights to even feel sad about stuff like this.

My mother, who was normally a rational person, was for some reason obsessed with my hair. She had straight, very thin hair, while I have thick wavy hair, so I think she lived a little bit through my hair. She did get me a haircut until I was way to old and really needed one because she loved it long. Growing up I had a lot of feelings like I always had to make sure hair was up to her standards. In the end not a big deal and I eventually got over it, but I would recommend not getting to attached to her hair.

At 3 her hair would look so much better with a little trim.
Does he even know it has never, ever been cut? Or how you felt about it being done with you?
If it's just a trim he probably didn't think it'd be a big deal.

@Soontobe60 yes but unfortunately many sons can't seem to parent without mum, mil..

"I genuinely don't think my ex will have thought this was a big deal. He'll have gone along with it because his mum suggested it."

I bet she knew exactly how big a deal it was.

I can see why you are annoyed. Obviously not cutting her hair meant a great deal to you but they are acting like you let it grow as you could not be bothered to get it cut

You are in a relationship where your daughter can be taken away from you for 8 days to another country.

A lot of posters would be shaking their heads at that. It's inevitable that the MIL assumes she is loco parentis in this situation.

Also, as a pp has mentioned , 'wild gorgeous tangle' may have become unmanageable and annoying to both child and those looking after them.

@MummaMummaMumma o never ever understand how any one can have such confidence (arrogance) to decide what they think looks good trumps over someone else's taste when it's a parent.

Op likes her child's curls they don't last long they are beautiful op likes them
It's simply not for anyone else to decide she's messy or needs a trim. Unless it was in her eyes, no

This is madness.

The child was with one of their parents who obviously gave the ok for his own mother to give her Grandchild a well needed haircut.

Your child is not your possessions. They have two parents who are capable of making decisions for them around their well being and autonomy.

The OP said their child’s hair was a wild tangle. Why is it so insane that the child’s father would want to sort this out?

If you as a mother wouldn’t let your child’s other parent know before you got their hair cut why should the father do the same?

You saying that by the father doing this is “taking over ans controlling” shows that you see a child as your possession and not equally the mother and fathers joint child.

I understand why you are upset but did your mil know she had never had a haircut? She may not have realised.

I would have been heart broken - it’s not a big deal to anyone else but as a mum that will hurt.

As a woman I suspect MIL will know this. There’s no point in saying anything except for that you were sad to miss it.

Some responses are hilarious.

They are not taking into account a mil stepping into a child's mother's role because they are demanding something and their son worn down by years of demanding just goes along with it

Had the op said. my partner took dd away and decided tk cut her hair... whilst upsetting there is little issue as long as it was nt dramatic.

This isn't the child father making this descion it's the child's grandmother.

She had no right to do this and it's territorial.

She should have asked first.

@okydokethen there is very much a point to mention it because op will have years of this
If her ex is weak and has a domineering over bearing mother.
Usually the two go hand in hand.

Op can just say I loved nt daughters curls it's not for you to decide what's messy or not different generations have different ideas pleaae do not take such decisions upon yourself again.... Obviously to mil. Seeing as ex was a bystander.

Make it clear to ex he needs to manage mum