MIL cut my daughter's hair for the first time without asking

[DangleDonkey]

My ex-partner has taken our daughter on holiday abroad to stay with his mum and stepdad for 8 days. While we were having a video call tonight, he said, "Can you see her hair looks a bit different?" and I had actually noticed, I just thought it was wet. He then said, "My mum's cut it a bit" and when I enquired more, he said she's cut a bit off the sides to neaten it up a bit.

Our daughter is nearly 3 and has never had a haircut before. Her hair is curly and honestly mostly a wild gorgeous tangle, and we don't do much to it. Recently, I've started putting it in little bunches which makes her look a little neater and more grown up.

I'm feeling confused that what feels like a big milestone (only child's first haircut) has happened without me, and without me being considered. I would have liked to be there but actually more than that I don't think she needs a haircut yet - her hair needs to grow a bit as it's currently just growing out in all directions.

I genuinely don't think my ex will have thought this was a big deal. He'll have gone along with it because his mum suggested it, in my opinion. He won't have wanted to upset me but I also predict he'll be dismissive when I bring this up.

I haven't said anything yet to my ex because I felt like I needed to think and process this first. Am I being unreasonable to be upset?

Totally not on.

I’d wait until he’s back and then say it’s not acceptable. 8 days is such a long time, did you feel you had to allow this? Or was it court mandated?

I think if the child had already been having their haircut and her father had agreed to it, that would have been ok but given that she’s never had her hair cut then I understand you feel miffed.

Make sure you stress to your husband that you don’t want his mum or anyone to cut off even more hair or God forbid, get her ears pierced etc.

Are you bothers OP wondering if you should be? This wouldn’t be an issue for me, the pressure to no miss a thing is unrealistic.
Your child has two parents and I think it’s sad if caregivers fight over minor issues, much better for the child if you can see the bigger picture here.

So if you got her haircut first would he have the right the be upset, or did anything else for the first time? Firsts happen in a child's life and as a child has 2 parents it would be normal for both to have some firsts this is what happens when you have a child with someone and separate

Let it go

I do feel bothered by it, yes. There's lots of things I'm happy to step back with - this is their holiday and I'm not worried about what time she goes to bed or what she's eating or things like that. It's bothered me because it feels like something has been decided, without anyone thinking about me or what matters to me. And I think co-parenting successfully means you have to actively think about what the other parent would do or not do.

Thanks for your comment though, it's good to hear both sides.

I think I'd have mentioned it first to him

Id try not to worry about it. There will me many other hair cuts and tbh it sounds like it wasn't even a first proper hair cut just a neaten up, you can still make a fuss about her first trip to the hair dressers when the time comes. I understand why you're upset but as a fellow single parent there's a lot to be said about picking your battles.

Had he ever mentioned getting it cut before this? Is his mum British? ( it's usual in some cultures for GMs to do this sort of thing). Ideally it shouldn't have happened, but it isn't a proper haircut, you still have that first.

I understand how big a deal it feels right now 🥲but honestly, in the long term it's really not a big deal.

BUT talk to him about anything else you want to be there for/decide when she's ready (might have to agree to discuss it together)

Try to focus on the fact that she seemed happy & well looked after xx

Think or know? If there is a bit of you that would have done it without him there then you are being a bit hypocritical

Would you have got together with your ex to discuss her first haircut or would you have just taken her?

This seems like an enormous overreaction.

You can still take her for her first proper hair cut at a salon. Just think of this as a DIY trim. It will grow back and then you can do the first real haircut with her xx

Mums don’t own children or their hair. The child’s other parent gave permission for the hair to be cut.
You aren’t the final decision maker. No way would you have asked permission before giving your child a haircut.

All these mills trampling over boundaries to tidy kitchens and houses up a little, neaten up children's hair etc

I think you need to say something op.

It’s not something I would have done but on the other hand if you have split up you are going to have to expect that things are going to take place when you are not involved.

@Sofiewoo by all accounts both parents loved the dds gorgeous curls. It's mil who has over stepped and made it sound like a bad thing and the child needs to be her version of neat.

It's only hair, it will grow 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sorry skim read this isn't dad on his own having a little adventure with dd and ending up with a hair cut without thinking... This is mil stepping into a parents role and making it sound neccasry because the child has messy hair and it must be neat

There’s nothing to suggest the dad didn’t want the hair cut, other than OP’s assumption that he did that the MIL wanted rather than the OP. Does he not get an opinion of his own?
You can love your child’s hair and also have it trimmed, it’s not an opposite.

It doesn't sound like he had much choice mum decided for him and probably shamed him into a neat trim because they, they had previously loved her curls.

Total non issue

Op definitely say something it doesn't have to be nasty, but make it clear because mil thinks something doesn't mean she's allowed to act on it with someone else's child.

Express feelings to your partner, does he often spend his contact time with mum?