MIL cut my daughter's hair for the first time without asking

[DangleDonkey]

My ex-partner has taken our daughter on holiday abroad to stay with his mum and stepdad for 8 days. While we were having a video call tonight, he said, "Can you see her hair looks a bit different?" and I had actually noticed, I just thought it was wet. He then said, "My mum's cut it a bit" and when I enquired more, he said she's cut a bit off the sides to neaten it up a bit.

Our daughter is nearly 3 and has never had a haircut before. Her hair is curly and honestly mostly a wild gorgeous tangle, and we don't do much to it. Recently, I've started putting it in little bunches which makes her look a little neater and more grown up.

I'm feeling confused that what feels like a big milestone (only child's first haircut) has happened without me, and without me being considered. I would have liked to be there but actually more than that I don't think she needs a haircut yet - her hair needs to grow a bit as it's currently just growing out in all directions.

I genuinely don't think my ex will have thought this was a big deal. He'll have gone along with it because his mum suggested it, in my opinion. He won't have wanted to upset me but I also predict he'll be dismissive when I bring this up.

I haven't said anything yet to my ex because I felt like I needed to think and process this first. Am I being unreasonable to be upset?

How is your relationship with ex and his family? Do you think this was done to spite you or did they just not see it as a big deal?

I’m generally a very sentimental person, but I have never really cared about first haircuts etc. I can see that someone else might not realise the importance others may place on it. Are they British (as I’m assuming you are) or is your ex’s family from a different country? Perhaps it’s not something they’ve ever come across as being a big thing in their own culture?

I wouldn’t be annoyed at missing their first hair cut, but I can see myself feeling angry if I felt it was done with bad intentions. But there’s every chance it was done in innocence.

I see it as the xMIL taking control.

I told my MIL directly 'no fringe' - my DH wasnt there - he dropped her off for the afternoon with her DGM.

In my case it was absolutely a controlling and boundary pushing incident.

My DD is 24 next month and I have been on MN since day 1. There have been many many threads over the years of both MIL and DMs overstepping and doing this and causing great shock and distress to the childs parents. Do a search its common and hurtful and always done by CFs.

Yep, I think this is a MIL boundary thing…if dad had been fed up with DD hair and asked mil to trim it a little to ensure he could manage it on hols, that’s one thing..still a bit of a “meh” , and he should just have checked in with mum too before, or better sorted it out before he left with mums input. but this seems like a overreach by MIL. Definitely in realms of “claiming” authority of child over mum

If I was married even and mil did this whilst my kid was on hols with her for just a few days, I’d see it as something unacceptable and be furious. It’s not mild job to change kids hair, even if it does always grows back. Hair is something different, not like changing clothes or cutting nails. And it’s never an emergency unless it gets glue in or something. It’s part of someone’s identity, children themselves also need a reasonable say in this when they’re old enough to express it…like saying if they want longer or shorter hair. I was forced to have short hair as a child and was made fun of at school…it’s not on even for parents to not take into account others views on hair. My own youngest hated short hair (boy) so it was longer (acceptable to school) right up till early teens when he decided to go proper short

however it’s done. I think op needs to sit amicably with dh when he gets back and agree to some rules about things like these including future haircuts, any body changes like piercings, going to doctors for routine stuff, behaviour stuff, (vs emergencies when parents should have plan in place anyway for contacting each other immediately) etc etc. all the small shit that maybe op assumes is her domain as it often falls on mums in marriages/partnerships to do this. But becuase of the separation there needs to be more comms.

and that includes a don’t ever either of your mums or dads or any relative make any body changes to our child . it is something they as parents handle only. And agree between them that in future they will discuss up front about who does anything that is needed (eg which hairdresser going to, mum or dad doing it themselves etc) . Op certainly needs to be discussing future haircuts and offering him accompanying as well if she sees as big thing. He has that right too if she considers it a milestone to acknowledge he may too. Once kids style settled on then just agree who takes and when, and any future changes to style as per DD input.

I think it's a huge overreaction - but then, I don't consider first haircuts as a 'milestone'. That made me cringe. 🙈

Come on. You would have just cut it and not thought to say anything.

But you are still married to him and that makes all the difference

this is an ex MiL and the Dad was there - co-parenting is a tricky thing to navigate none more so than decisions like this.

things such as haircuts shouldn’t be joint decisions because it over complicates things and is a small decision. Joint decisions need to be about big things such as schools.

there is every chance that the Dad didn’t realise it would be the first haircut and it made sense. Because the chances are he does default to his mother on his time and that is actually his right

so the question is was there any discussion about a first haircut

My MUL would have done this if I'd not been with DH 15 years when she was born because she used to be extremely controlling but now she knows I don't put up with any nonsense
Curly hair really needs a hairdresser with curly hair skills so it sits and falls correctly, tell her to keep away as you'll be paying for a professional cut

The most important point is, was having a first haircut a big deal for the child. No, they did not think “Wow I’ve just had my first haircut what a huge deal.”

The only person thinking that was the Mum and therefore she’s putting her own feelings first in this situation and is kicking off because SHE feels a certain way about this situation.

If she was putting her child’s feelings and wellbeing first, her reaction would be “well that’s great she got a haircut because it was looking a bit messy and tangled.”

The child’s well being comes first not the mother’s feelings of thinking the child is her possession and the Father is just someone she’s lending the child out to. This child has two parents who can make decisions for her wellbeing. The mum doesn’t need to sign off every tiny action just like the mum wouldn’t think twice about buying the child’s first pair of shoes or anything else they saw as a “milestone” without asking the father.

The child didn’t need to get haircut in short time they’re away. And hair is NOT the same as toe nails. Or washing.

you’re being deliberately disingenuous to suggest this.

hair is part of people’s, even children’s, self perception and identity. Their appearance is defined by it as much as height, colour of eye. People don’t cry when they loose a toenails…they certainly get very distressed if haircuts get wrong o4 god forbid they are affected by hair loss.

the dad here sounds in frequent contact with mum. If he was so bothered by daughter’s hair he should have discussed and done something before he went away on hols. It is MORE than a coincidence thst this haircut was done by his mother when on a short holiday.

it’s not about child’s parents having rights, it’s about MIL stepping over a boundary the mum sees, and most mums would think is so blinking obvious they don’t need to spell out.

I have grandchildren, GDs (18 months) hair is growling more on one side, very fine and sparse still and flaps into face. But her mum (DIL) likes to clip it back with little bows and clips. I have the decency and respect to keep my gob shut that I think it’s daft, and I would never dream to cut it or trim it whilst she was in my care. How can any mum or mil have the entitlement to do that.

and sorry, in most marraiges/partnerships it’s mums who make decisions about haircut timing by default until kids, specially daughters, reach teenage years (when some rarer dads suddenly start to obsess over daughter moving away form their pretty princess styles)

it’s not the same as washing, or toenails. If it is to you that’s fine ..maybe you don’t go to hairdresser, or don’t care about your hair..but most people do. Even men.

OP, I get why you’re upset now, in the moment, but don’t make a big thing out of this. Co-parenting is difficult, you have a long road ahead and you need to pick your battles. Maybe a little word that you’d have liked to have been consulted but nothing more.

I know that all these “firsts” seem big now but trust me, you don’t remember them as they get older. I have teenagers and I honestly can’t remember my kids first hair cut, their first steps, not even my DS2’s first word. I’m now in the stage of remembering the first time they came home plastered! Hopefully, I’ll forget that too soon!

She also didn't scalp her.

I get why you’re miffed. But he didn’t deliberately do it. His mother quite probably didn’t know she’d never had a hair cut before and didn’t think it was a big deal either. A good co parenting relationship is hugely important - so I’d let it go.

Absolutely this, would you have called him and gone together or invited him over for all the firsts that are going to happen?

First thing I’d have asked, did they save the ‘baby’ hair for you? I’d have been livid otherwise!

Op also openly admitted that her child’s hair was a wild tangled mess. This isn’t caring for her curls properly and if it hadn’t been cut and maintained it could have lead to big matted lumps meaning even more hair needed cutting out.

and you saying it’s simply not up to anyone else to decide if it needs cutting….that child has two parents meaning there are two decision makers. Mothers don’t own their children, they are not possessions that they lend out to the fathers.

A good co parenting relationship is hugely important - so I’d let it go.

Agree with this point - but do not let it go. Discuss your feelings and ask for this to be discussed. I suspect he told you over the FT because he knew you wouldnt be happy and it was easier for him than F2F later. I also suspect the MIL just got stuck probably telling him what she was doing rather than asking him.

You dont need to have a big snotty screaming rage with them - but an assertive calm expression of preference for prior discussion will be better for the future.

@DaisyChain505 tell that's to ops ex mum who has made the descion for them all by perhaps feeling she owns her son

This happened to me! My daughter was 1 and MIL was having her for us for a couple of hours. She cut it and when I asked what she'd done with the hair she said that she just let it blow away in the wind. I suspect that she kept it.
Both my ex and his mum were really abusive towards me however, on this occasion I did speak up.
Solidarity because I'm still upset about it and my daughter is 11!

OP hasn’t said anything about Dad not being involved with the haircut. Only that it happened during Dads time parenting his child. Therefore presumably Dad gave the Ok for his mum to cut the child’s hair.

YANBU to feel upset about this. I think most would and it happened to my Dsis with her MIL and it still gets brought up (but now only when we are reminiscing and having a laugh about all the crazy stuff her mil did, not in a sad or cross way).

However, I think you should make your peace with it. Talk to DH when he gets back and explain how you felt and that in future should similar circumstances come up you would like to be consulted. Tell yourself, it was just a home-trim and First Haircut in the salon is still pending. Your DD is hopefully having a lovely bonding experience with DHs family. Consider that if you are missing her this may be causing you to emotionally overreact a bit?

You're not unreasonable to be upset about missing a first in your child's life but you are being unreasonable to be in any way annoyed with ex and his mum. He is her parent too so can make decisions about her hair. If this hadn't happened would you have discussed cutting her hair with him when the moment eventually happened?

Sorry have just seen he is your ex-DH. Same advice though, if not even more need to accept certain things you cannot control when the other parent is solo parenting.

@DangleDonkeyIt is not ideal and id also be annoyed, what I would do is have a friendly chat with him when he is back & say that any 1st things like this id like to be discussed first and same from you. I wouldn't be too harsh as to keep the peace.

Take her to a child salon (if one near you) they do a 1st cut experience and usually a nice child friendly environment! Like others said I wouldn't count this one as a proper haircut.

It’s both an issue and a non issue.
Non-issue as the child won’t be bothered and it will grow back.
Issue as MIL didn’t check if you minded, you like her long hair and you wanted to decide when she has her first haircut.
Now you know about this, you’re prepared with what to say prior to future visits.

Sounds like it wasn’t even a hair cut. Her Granny just took a bit off the sides to even it up.

Coparenting is hard. Don’t make things unnecessarily contentious by making a fuss over something like this. He’s her Daddy and can make such a minor decision as allowing Granny to cut a little bit off the sides of her hair without needing clearance. It’s actually very lovely of them to arrange video calls with you during their holiday. Many coparents would love such a wonderful relationship with their ex and his parents.