MIL cut my daughter's hair for the first time without asking

[DangleDonkey]

My ex-partner has taken our daughter on holiday abroad to stay with his mum and stepdad for 8 days. While we were having a video call tonight, he said, "Can you see her hair looks a bit different?" and I had actually noticed, I just thought it was wet. He then said, "My mum's cut it a bit" and when I enquired more, he said she's cut a bit off the sides to neaten it up a bit.

Our daughter is nearly 3 and has never had a haircut before. Her hair is curly and honestly mostly a wild gorgeous tangle, and we don't do much to it. Recently, I've started putting it in little bunches which makes her look a little neater and more grown up.

I'm feeling confused that what feels like a big milestone (only child's first haircut) has happened without me, and without me being considered. I would have liked to be there but actually more than that I don't think she needs a haircut yet - her hair needs to grow a bit as it's currently just growing out in all directions.

I genuinely don't think my ex will have thought this was a big deal. He'll have gone along with it because his mum suggested it, in my opinion. He won't have wanted to upset me but I also predict he'll be dismissive when I bring this up.

I haven't said anything yet to my ex because I felt like I needed to think and process this first. Am I being unreasonable to be upset?

I’d mention when back that it upset you not to be consulted. Just do he has an awareness incase another instances comes up.

I get it. My ex cut off my DS lovely curls when I was out ine day (whilst we were still married), honestly I cried when I got back. DS looked terrible too because ex had no clue how to cut curls.
He didnt see the problem. But that was typical of hi., hence he's an ex !

Yep, complete over reaction

I think mils attacking grogeous curls without aksing is part of the selfish Mills handbooks along with arguing over ancient unsuitable car seats and so on. I know of two other personal cases with friends where this has happened one little boy had the most grogeous mop of curly hair down to his shoulders mil decided for everyone that it was messy and got him a buzz cut like Wayne Rooney. Friend was beyond upset and the curls didn't grow back it was like a sudden ending of that part of the childhood.

Unless it was literally affecting eyes in which case some hair clips or hair bands then mentioning it to mum leave well alone.

Who would have the brass neck to do this.

This would hack me off big time. It’s the lack of consideration which is the worst part. I imagine if he/she had called and said ‘do you mind if you we just trim this part’ you’d have probably said yes and missing her 1st haircut would’ve been an easier pill to swallow.
Definitely mention it so that they both understand that there has to be some boundaries. And also ask if you can keep some hair if it’s not too late.

To me this is not about the haircut or a first, that’s secondary and I think you’re fixing on that as it’s hard to feel what’s really bothering you sometimes. To me the issue is that he hasn’t consulted with you on something that changes something about your daughter. A haircut changes her appearance so this is a joint decision. As you said you’d talk to him before doing this. Whether others think this is a big decision or not is negligible as for you it was.
I feel a chat when he’s back about what decisions are acceptable to do as individuals and what needs to be discussed as a couple. This means you will have to very vigilant that you include him too.

I agree. I wouldn’t allow my child to go overseas without me.

MIL has overstepped.

It is interfering. If she had thought it was necessary she should have made sure both of you were happy with it. It is not even about it being the first cut - any cut needed the permission of both of you.

My MIL looked after my DDs during the day for a week as I was performing in a music festival. I came home one day to find a plait missing on my DD's head - she had cut it off and MIL had not even noticed!

@Cannedlaughter it wasn't his descion either though it was mils

Wild gorgeous tangle is code for bit of a mess.

she’s with her dad. They neatened it up. It’s hair, it grows back. I agree with others that this isn’t a big deal.

by your own admission, you say you think you would have checked with dad first but you’re not sure, so you can’t really complain he didn’t check with you.

Reading your message reminded me of a conversation with our next door neighbour.
She is in her late 60’s and has a rocky relationship with her DIL. Once she told me that their latest fall out was because she hadn’t used a car seat for her grandson who was 2 at the time. Reason being that her car was considered a classic and therefore seatbelts etc aren’t required. As a newish mum myself, I did point out that it’s about keeping him safe and not the legal exemptions for her age of car.
It’s one of many infuriating conversations I’ve had with this woman over the years. How DIL puts up with her I have no idea!

A lot depends on other things. Are they normal? Is the child well cared for? Is relationship with ex good? How often are they with MIL ex.

Have a chat but choose the battles.

First big milestone ? I have absolutely no recollection of DDs first haircut - I think you are a big overreacting

People are really over-invested in their children's hair.

I don't know when mine got their first haircuts. Or who did it. You can choose to consider it a big milestone and something you've missed out on or you can choose to let it go and realise it's not important

I can understand why you're upset, but her dad is as much her parent as you are. His mum did it with his knowledge and permission. He should have spoken to you first, but I wonder if you actually would have spoken to him first before doing this yourself? The fact that you're not even sure yourself is quite telling.

This exact thing happened to me. I was raging at the time but I think that was because it was just another thing in a long line of MIL trouncing all over boundaries.

My DS is 18 now, it’s long in the past & doesn’t bother me a bit but that’s the benefit of water under the bridge & the fact that she has zero impact on my life anymore.

How does her hair actually look, OP? Assuming your MIL hasn't butchered her, I'd let it go. But you would not be unreasonable to politely request that they do not do anything like that again without checking with you first.

My two year old also has curly hair that grows in all directions, and she had a little trim which actually helped her curls pop.

For me, it would really depend on whether grandma was a hairdresser and knew what she was doing or not on how annoyed I’d be. If it looked shit I’d be very pissed off. If she legit did a good job and my child was happy I’d let it go.

Sounds like she’s just given it a little trim to tidy it up - and you didn’t even notice it to start with so it can’t be that bad!

I don’t think it was deliberate probably more that by 3 years old your MIL and probably ex assumed she’s already had loads of haircuts. Is she lives abroad she misses out on so much anyway how would she know? Most kids including mine have haircuts in the kitchen by mum for years as not needed for a proper style.

don’t make your ex walk on egg shells thinking what he is or isn’t allowed to do. It’s not like he’s giving her prime for breakfast! Can you imagine how ridiculous it would be if he had to phone you for permission before doing normal daily activities?

My MIL did this too! My husband and I were away on holiday, tbf, so she was doing us an enormous favour. I was briefly devastated but my daughter looked so cute with a fringe (and was better able to see!) that I got over it eventually. Now it's just a funny MIL story.

It would piss me off. But at least it will grow back, potentially thicker ?
But You need to ensure there will be no ear piercing without your permission !

Your MIL didn’t just go off and do it though - your DC was in the care of a parent who gave permission.

A (presumably amateurish) hack at the sides of curly hair sounds like she's going to look like she's been run over by a lawnmower when you actually see it IRL.

Save yourself until then. Your argument is that you can't "just neaten" curly hair and you'd like to come to an agreement with him about her hair. Firstly it needs to grow.

Make it about MIL overstepping, or a first haircut being a milestone, and you lose the argument. (Though I'm with you on both counts.)

You didn't even notice it and your ex had to point it out to you so it's hardly the drama some posters are trying to turn it into. Based on your vague answer, I think it's highly unlikely you would have consulted your ex if you'd decided to trim her hair. I think you are more upset because it had dawned on you your DD has another parent who is allowed to make decisions about her care.