Husband masturbating to messages

[Sunsh89]

This is very niche so bear with me.

My husband and I have a ring camera in our bedroom- we use it for security as we have a glass exterior door. I went to check as I had a missing parcel supposedly delivered.

While scrolling through looking for the evri delivery, I noticed DH masturbating. I could see his phone screen and there were messages on there. He intermittently stopped, looked at porn and then continued to message this person throughout.

I spoke with him and he admits it looks weird but says he was just messaging his friendship group chat. I’m struggling to believe this and don’t feel I can move on until he has shown me who he was messaging at that time.

I can’t eat or sleep with the worry of this. I’ve been cheated on before and have really worked hard to overcome the impact it has had on me. Now I feel like I’m right back in it.

AIBU to ask to see who he was messaging?

He's obviously banging one out for a lover.

I would call his bluff and say it's over because you are in a standoff. He's never going to show you his phone for that time and will have deleted it. You know exactly what you know.

You have two choices really. Leave now because he is refusing to help his own marriage by showing you his phone or leave it all, let the dust settle and start watching him like a hawk including looking at his phone.

It's a shit show either way.

I would be gone. He's clearly at it.

Not to mention that the vast majority of women in 'sex work' (because pornography is virtual prostitution, no matter how much you glamorise and girl power-ify it) are there through terrible circumstances, whether that be trafficking, addiction or poverty, no matter how much the loud minority of 'successful' SWs like Bonnie Blue and Lily Philips try to paint it as empowering.

Any woman that doesn't see a problem with her partner watching pornography is throwing other women under the bus. I've seen women joke about how their husband can use porn when they're too tired, like those women are just wank fodder for him when the All Important Wife is simply not in the mood. God forbid a man learn to use his imagination, because MeN aRe ViSuAl CrEaTuReS. There's no question about it, just automatic entitlement to view some of the most humiliating moments of some complete stranger's life. If anyone thinks I'm being hyperbolic you should be aware that Pornhub alone is full of countless hours of rape and abuse, including that of underage girls and children. There is NO way to know, bottom line, that the person you're watching has been coerced, and that doesn't even bring into equation the damage it does to your sexuality, perception of the opposite sex and intimate relationships.

But please, tell us more about how watching porn together and letting your husband treat you like a piece of meat in bed is rebellious and empowering and not playing into the patriarchy's hands while they laugh behind our backs and say "See, these women like it so it must be good for all women!"

D'oh, my last message was in response to @TrainGame 's comment, but I obviously didn't quote it!

I miss the funny reaction emoji ok!!!

Not to mention that the vast majority of women in 'sex work' (because pornography is virtual prostitution, no matter how much you glamorise and girl power-ify it) are there through terrible circumstances, whether that be trafficking, addiction or poverty, no matter how much the loud minority of 'successful' SWs like Bonnie Blue and Lily Philips try to paint it as empowering.

Any woman that doesn't see a problem with her partner watching pornography is throwing other women under the bus. I've seen women joke about how their husband can use porn when they're too tired, like those women are just wank fodder for him when the All Important Wife is simply not in the mood. God forbid a man learn to use his imagination, because MeN aRe ViSuAl CrEaTuReS. There's no question about it, just automatic entitlement to view some of the most humiliating moments of some complete stranger's life. If anyone thinks I'm being hyperbolic you should be aware that Pornhub alone is full of countless hours of rape and abuse, including that of underage girls and children. There is NO way to know, bottom line, that the person you're watching has been coerced, and that doesn't even bring into equation the damage it does to your sexuality, perception of the opposite sex and intimate relationships.

But please, tell us more about how watching porn together and letting your husband treat you like a piece of meat in bed is rebellious and empowering and not playing into the patriarchy's hands while they laugh behind our backs and say "See, these women like it so it must be good for all women!"

(Quote fail, so hopefully this message hasn't appeared twice..)

You are being gaslighted that’s why.. he really should be showing his phone otherwise it’s reeks of being guilty of something .. 😬

😁

I wouldn't want to touch his phone.

This happened to me in a type of way, and he caught my guilty pleasure of chat ai bots. Was so embarrassed that I almost let him think I was cheating than admit to the chats...

If he wanted this situation to be done and dusted and never talked about again he would he showing you the messages that matched the time and date of the video.

The fact he isn’t doing that simple task just shows he’s lying and hiding something.

Why would anyone want to A) Have their partner suspecting them of something and potentially ruined the relationship when they could shut it down in seconds and B) emotionally torture someone so badly if they supposedly had the proof to show it wasn’t true.

No. What's batshit is thinking you can control another person's masterbation habits, or even wanting to.
My husband masterbates, so do I. He watches/reads porn, so do I.
Sometimes separately, sometimes together.
I will forever be eternally grateful that I have a lovely, loving partner, who is as kinky as me, and loves me, as I love him.
Imagine being jealous of a screen. That's batshit.
Porn does not lead to cheating. A lying cheater cheats. Not a loving husband. It's chalk and cheese.

I think you have mis read the post. But congratulations for having such a wonderful sex life 😍 thanks for sharing!!

It was in response to the lady calling my other post batshit. It was in response to this x

I would too, absolutely

The postscript to that is I told a lorry driver that story and he said he sees it frequently from his high up driving position. Some strange people around, and plenty of them. :(

It wasn’t her husband masturbating that the OP was bothered about. It was that the fact that he appeared to be messaging someone else while he was doing it.

I realise that, I was suggesting, that's it's more likely he was in a porn chat room. I don't see any issue with that.

OP, you mentioned he was meant to have been at work. Didn't he tell you his plans had changed? Not wanting to wind you up but my exh was serially unfaithful and this is the kind of shit he'd do. Take time off work without telling me. Not being where I expected him to be. Just to make things confusing and cover his movements. Yeah taking a day off work or finishing early isn't a big deal on its own but if it's part of a wider pattern of being sneaky or shady it might warrant further investigation. If you do decide to look into things more, don't tell him because it's just giving him opportunity to cover his tracks.

Will it be the end though? Or will next week OP find some other excuse to go through the camera and press him for information? Or want to go through his phone again for temporary reassurance. If she trusted him she would have carried on speeding through the footage instead of stopping and snooping.
I have never cheated on DH (or indeed any partner) I would never offer up my phone or messages for DH to check I'm not cheating, it would be a dealbreaker if he ever asked me.

I would check the timings of his messages on said group chat and then check the time on the Ring camera.

I never have and never would cheat on my partner and he has never accused me in the past so if he did have genuine worries about a situation I would go above and beyond to reassure him nothing was wrong.

I would hate for him to be dealing with such awful worries and would want to ease his mind, not shut down his feelings.

That’s fine for you, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable for anyone to see an issue with their partner messaging other people for sexual gratification, regardless of whether it’s strangers in a chatroom, cam girls, randoms from dating sites/social media, or people they actually know.

I have no problem with my partner using porn - I use porn myself sometimes. I don’t care what my partner looks at, listens to or fantasises about on his own - it’s none of my business and if he tried to police my own wanking habits I’d tell him to piss off.

I would have a problem with him interacting with other women for sexual purposes, though, because to me, that’s a form of cheating. He feels the same - when it’s a live interaction with someone, that’s when it crosses a line. I don’t think that’s an unreasonable or unrealistic bar to set in a monogamous relationship.