Husband masturbating to messages

[Sunsh89]

This is very niche so bear with me.

My husband and I have a ring camera in our bedroom- we use it for security as we have a glass exterior door. I went to check as I had a missing parcel supposedly delivered.

While scrolling through looking for the evri delivery, I noticed DH masturbating. I could see his phone screen and there were messages on there. He intermittently stopped, looked at porn and then continued to message this person throughout.

I spoke with him and he admits it looks weird but says he was just messaging his friendship group chat. I’m struggling to believe this and don’t feel I can move on until he has shown me who he was messaging at that time.

I can’t eat or sleep with the worry of this. I’ve been cheated on before and have really worked hard to overcome the impact it has had on me. Now I feel like I’m right back in it.

AIBU to ask to see who he was messaging?

Yuk! All sounds a bit grim. 🤮

I do think some people ‘multi task’ like this though.
Sorry to be a bit graphic, but I wonder if his main task was replying to something innocent and pressing in the group, and the wank was the subsidiary activity with a bit of flicking over to the porn to ‘help’ him with that. That would actually be my first thought, to be honest. But only you know how well you trust your DP.

I know nothing of Ring cameras, but would it be possible to replay it, take a photo of his phone message and enlarging it?

I was reminded by a criminal arrested who wouldn't give the police his phone security number.
They spotted him in a video leaving a pub to make a call under a CTV camera. They enlarged it of him entering the number.

He’s trying to say that if I don’t trust him then what is it worth…. Without trust there’s nothing etc.

Do you feel able to call his bluff? Cos he’s not leaving you many options.

“What’s everyone up to this weekend?”
”not much?”
”taking the kids to their nans”
”rubbing one out in front of the ring door bell”

seems legit

He doesnt have to go elsewhere. He can either wank in view of the camera or use the privacy cover (which OP has explained they have)

I do understand I have one. Use a no more nails hook or loop and zip tie it to that.

the ring servers are not secure. And videos can leak. Obviously the camera cover is subject to human failure, so eventually it will get something on it that you don’t want.

It's not the standard ring doorbell everyone thinks it is, it's the other one that you can put on the inside of a window. It has a privacy cover when you don't want it recording. We have both.

This is what I’d love to believe to be honest. And he is a very easily distracted character, but if it’s all innocent, when asked about it I’d have expected him to rush to show me the messages he was replying to?

I initially brought it up as a “what was going on there then” in a lighthearted way. He’s given me no reason to distrust him before. However when he saw me become upset I would have expected him to reassure me rather than get on the defensive about it?

Yes one of these. I have confused a lot of people it seems.

OP, have you gone back through older recordings? If buying and positioning the camera was his idea, you might want to check he hasn't used that as a front to get questionable footage of you in bed, getting dressed etc.

Ah I don’t know, I just feel like if he can’t be open about it then it’s probably something shady. I don’t even need to go down that road to know something’s off… though thank you for the idea

I’d never have a camera in the bedroom. Sometimes people need me time !

I am very careful with it. It has a blue light when it’s on with privacy cover open so hard to miss it. I don’t have an Alexa and won’t use Siri on my phone. Am very aware of the security issues, thank you for the concern though, it’s a valid point. Think it will be going in the bin.

Ignore the obsession with the camera, you’ve explained it in an understandable way so people are either pretending to not understand, or unable to so if I was you I would write off their advice.

I have an internal ring camera, if DP was at work (or I thought he was) and I got a notification I would open it immediately to check who was in my house.

I agree with him that without trust there is nothing 99% of the time, but this is the 1%. There is clear evidence that creates doubt because you can see it with your own eyes. Had this been me and I had been seen I would be mortified but before you had even asked I would want to show the message to prevent the development of doubt because that’s what this would do to the majority of people.

Not really. He just might be indignant at having his privacy invaded and a bit embarrassed.

I would balk at my DP wanting to investigate my phone and probably resist. If he was insistent I would probably relent eventually.

How about just putting up some of those 'warning you are being recorded' type stickers to make people think you have a camera even if you dont.

No man is wanking himself off to his mates.

I don't consider he's gaslighting, but lying.
Gaslighting is making a person doubt their own rationality, making you think you're going mad, at the worst extreme.

Like removing one glove from a pair in the drawer. Breaking your sunglasses, when they had never left the table. Removing a bolt from your exercise machine or stealing your spare car keys, left on the kitchen island.
Yes, been there.

I hope not

I'd rather my husband having phone sex (or phone whatsapp?) with a woman than with the mates I know 😂

Thank you. You’ve validated exactly how I feel about the whole situation.

I’m so sorry that happened to you. I firmly believe in a peaceful life, whether that be with a partner or on my own, and know I will not be able to have that with this uncertainty hanging over my head.

I think it is a bit invasive to ask what someone was looking at during their ‘personal’ time.

But this is a case of unfortunate set of circumstances that has left you with anxiety. He might be annoyed at this BUT if it was innocent, and he had the proof of it in his hand, why would he carry this on when he could just put an end to it and THEN tell you he’s disappointed that you don’t trust him. Instead he’s withholding the evidence because he knows that he won’t be in the right if he shows you.

I'd want to see his phone too.
I wonder if he has saved videos of intimate moments of you, it is still a bit creepy but not as bad as a cam lady.