Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband masturbating to messages

197 replies

Sunsh89 · 07/06/2025 14:03

This is very niche so bear with me.

My husband and I have a ring camera in our bedroom- we use it for security as we have a glass exterior door. I went to check as I had a missing parcel supposedly delivered.

While scrolling through looking for the evri delivery, I noticed DH masturbating. I could see his phone screen and there were messages on there. He intermittently stopped, looked at porn and then continued to message this person throughout.

I spoke with him and he admits it looks weird but says he was just messaging his friendship group chat. I’m struggling to believe this and don’t feel I can move on until he has shown me who he was messaging at that time.

I can’t eat or sleep with the worry of this. I’ve been cheated on before and have really worked hard to overcome the impact it has had on me. Now I feel like I’m right back in it.

AIBU to ask to see who he was messaging?

OP posts:
FoodAppropriation · 07/06/2025 16:18

TooSquaretobehip · 07/06/2025 14:41

Him looking at porn is enough for me to file for divorce. I would not accept that in my marriage. If he had nothing to hide, he'd show you the message. The fact he won't show you the message proves he is cheating and is guilty. I could not move past this at all. I couldn't, and I wouldn't.

ok then 😂

Original poster
Sunsh89 · 07/06/2025 16:19

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 07/06/2025 16:16

I had the joy of having to use and review a few of them for a tech blog I write for last year, and to be honest I found it a bit cringe having to explain that to DP, even though it was for work. I'd struggle to admit it I think if I'd actively chosen to use them, it's just embarrassing.

To be honest it's more likely he was just absently masturbating while doing other things though, although I don't know why he wouldn't just show you the messages. Unless he thought it was the start of a slippery slope of invading his privacy.

Show quote history

Thanks for the reply. Given me another aspect to consider. And yeah that was sort of my initial thought- was I being unreasonable in wanting to see these messages…

OP posts:
DontTouchRoach · 07/06/2025 16:19

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 07/06/2025 15:57

Man here! (Sorry, I really try not to do that but it's relevant here)

I don't really see why your husband's story is that unlikely @Sunsh89 . I can certainly think of times I've sent messages, or done random bits of life admin, while also masturbating.

I think men have two "modes" of masturbation, while women don't. Just going off women I've been out with in the past, they tended to set time aside specifically for the purpose of masturbation. And I do that sometimes as well. It's "I am setting aside this time specifically with the aim of orgasming"

But men also do what'l I'll term the "boredom wank". Where I'm not specifically looking to have a wank, but maybe this TV show isn't really gripping me, or maybe I'm scrolling Reddit and one in every 4 links I click on is porn. And if I orgasm, I orgasm, and if I don't , I don't. I'm not really masturbating, I'm just playing with my dick.

And I don't think women really do the second one, because I think generally masturbation involves more concentration for women than men. Ironically, given the male sexes reputation for being unable to multitask, this is the one thing we really can multitask during.

So yeah, I've done other stuff whilst masturbating, whether it's getting up to get a chocolate bar, or messaging DP to say we're out of chocolate bars, or setting a reminder to pay the gas bill, or checking IMDb to figure out who the actor on the TV show I'm watching is. Because I'm not sat there fantasizing at the time, I'm just doing something to occupy my hands that also feels good.

I'm not saying your husband definitely isn't cheating OP, just that what you've got isn't rock solid evidence by itself.

There's also the chance he's using one of those AI apps, to play out some fantasy. They send messages as well as do image generation,which would explain the mix of messages and porn.

Oh, trust me, I’m a woman and I can assure you that the ‘boredom wank’ isn’t limited to men. Blush

I agree that he could absolutely have been sending ordinary messages while having a wank, especially as he was flipping back and forth between that and porn. However… I think if that were me, I would accept that it looked suspicious and I’d show my boyfriend the timestamped wank-unrelated messages I’d sent to the group chat, to prove my innocence. I speak as someone who is usually very fussy about privacy and would never normally let anyone read my messages, but in this instance I would.

IkeaMeatballGravy · 07/06/2025 16:20

You weren't looking for the delivery, you actually stopped the video and watched in detail as he masturbated. You clearly don't trust this man so give up all the rubbish excuses for being intrusive and leave.

eastegg · 07/06/2025 16:21

Twinkletoes127 · 07/06/2025 14:14

My take on this is, mind your own buisness and leave him some privacy. The man has a bloody camera in his bedroom, he might have been on a chatroom, who knows. How would you feel if you were having private time and he was looking at the camera and questioning you on it.
Masterbation is healthy.

It’s not the masturbation it’s who might be on the end of the chat.

werewolftherewolf · 07/06/2025 16:24

@Sunsh89 ignore the people who are having a go. It’s all irrelevant. You dont need to provide a diagram of the room either. Some people Hmm

The point is you saw it. You need verification it’s “innocent” (as he says). He may even say it’s a matter of principle not to show you, but he should be doing his best to reassure you.

Original poster
Sunsh89 · 07/06/2025 16:25

werewolftherewolf · 07/06/2025 16:24

@Sunsh89 ignore the people who are having a go. It’s all irrelevant. You dont need to provide a diagram of the room either. Some people Hmm

The point is you saw it. You need verification it’s “innocent” (as he says). He may even say it’s a matter of principle not to show you, but he should be doing his best to reassure you.

Thank you. That’s exactly it, he can see I’m really confused about the whole thing, the rational and kind action on his part would be to reassure me.

OP posts:
Redruby2020 · 07/06/2025 16:26

Twinkletoes127 · 07/06/2025 14:14

My take on this is, mind your own buisness and leave him some privacy. The man has a bloody camera in his bedroom, he might have been on a chatroom, who knows. How would you feel if you were having private time and he was looking at the camera and questioning you on it.
Masterbation is healthy.

On a chatroom? It’s not like OP was going through purposely looking for things. She came across it, as often ends up happening.

TrainGame · 07/06/2025 16:27

All wanking off to porn feels like the partner is being unfaithful. Yes it's on a screen, not it's not 'happening' in real life and yet - you're imagining that it is and you're enjoying and getting off on being with someone else.

So it's just accepting that you're not his 'everything', OP.

No wonder so many women are tired and worn out with coping with the endless possibilities and outlets for a man's lust these days. There's no end of temptation and possibility.

It's undermining and men will say 'oh it doesn't mean anything, we still love you' but if it doesn't mean anything, why are are you still doing it?

it's having your cake and eating it. It's still very much, a man's world.

Original poster
Sunsh89 · 07/06/2025 16:29

Just want to say thanks to everyone who has taken the time to reply with honest opinions, advice and personal experience/ perspectives. I’ve got what I came for and know what I need to do now.

OP posts:
Katemax82 · 07/06/2025 16:30

Lovethystupidneighbour · 07/06/2025 14:23

Nah sorry, you don’t watch it in real time, you flick through it. And the moment you see someone having private time, you bloody bypass it. Not stop and look close enough to see what’s on their phone.

Show quote history

If she thinks he's cheating of course she would!

Nowayyousure · 07/06/2025 16:30

FoodAppropriation · 07/06/2025 14:26

Having a camera pointing at your own bed is weird and grim frankly.

So it's recording them whilst they are having sex. @Sunsh89 can anyone else access this camera and watch you having sex?

okydokethen · 07/06/2025 16:30

This is weird but however you came across it, he’s sexting someone else. Maybe planning to meet them if he wasn’t at work.
the whole trust me, so don’t look at my messages is nonsense, it should be trust me, look at my messages.

MasterBeth · 07/06/2025 16:33

Ilovecakey · 07/06/2025 15:22

Why is it weird? Some people would find it a turn on

Show quote history

Sure.

Weirdos.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 07/06/2025 16:33

Nowayyousure · 07/06/2025 16:30

So it's recording them whilst they are having sex. @Sunsh89 can anyone else access this camera and watch you having sex?

Show quote history

Rtft

PiggyPigalle · 07/06/2025 16:43

I think a lot depends on what he's like as a partner generally.
If he's all round good but likes to indulge in porn and has lied through embarrassment, so what.
Maybe he's not good to you and lying is the last straw.

F1LandoFan · 07/06/2025 16:44

seaelephant · 07/06/2025 14:31

Bizareness of a camera in the bedroom aside, I don't think it's totally outwith the realm of possibility that he was messaging his mates, I sometimes idly scroll on my phone with my hand in my pants. But the fact that he's adamantly refusing to prove it says it all.

This! Totally agree!! I don’t think the fact that he’s looked at a text while masterbating means the text has to have been sexual! I can absolutely multi task when needed!

If he’s going from text to porn and back I’m thinking he’s telling the truth and you should believe him.

However, I also don’t know why he doesn’t just show you the text messages to prove it.

333FionaG · 07/06/2025 16:46

The issue isn't the wanking, the issue is he's lying about sexting someone.

ExercicenformedeZ · 07/06/2025 16:46

YABU. I don't think you should be badgering him about his masturbation habits.

KateShugakIsALegend · 07/06/2025 16:46

I think I would be more worried about being constantly filmed in my bedroom.

Twinkletoes127 · 07/06/2025 17:07

DeSoleil · 07/06/2025 15:59

I just want to know if the parcel came. 😎

You win!

Tina294 · 07/06/2025 17:08

He's not afraid this is a slippery slope to you invading his privacy, he's lying and gas lighting you because he's a shady fucker. If he didn't want you to read his messages he could just show you who they were to and the time/date. He wasn't messaging his mates though, I'd put money on it. My guess would be only fans.

So many people spectacularly missing the point on this thread.

strawberrysea · 07/06/2025 17:10

The majority of men now are porn addicts. Trust your gut.

Imbusytodaysorry · 07/06/2025 17:12

@Sunsh89 i haven’t read all your comments so apologises if you have already answered.
You thought he was at work he wasn’t . Would you have found out otherwise if it what’s for the camera?
Why are you on your own a lot? Does he work away?
Could It be he has a habit of not being where he is ment to .
If he can’t show you then your marriage is over .
He clearly has soemthing or someone to hide .

Pedallleur · 07/06/2025 17:13

Always about invading their privacy. The sexting, porn, cam girls aren't relevant it's that somehow you are stopping/judging the phone owner. If it was a work issued phone what would happen?