Husband masturbating to messages

[Sunsh89]

This is very niche so bear with me.

My husband and I have a ring camera in our bedroom- we use it for security as we have a glass exterior door. I went to check as I had a missing parcel supposedly delivered.

While scrolling through looking for the evri delivery, I noticed DH masturbating. I could see his phone screen and there were messages on there. He intermittently stopped, looked at porn and then continued to message this person throughout.

I spoke with him and he admits it looks weird but says he was just messaging his friendship group chat. I’m struggling to believe this and don’t feel I can move on until he has shown me who he was messaging at that time.

I can’t eat or sleep with the worry of this. I’ve been cheated on before and have really worked hard to overcome the impact it has had on me. Now I feel like I’m right back in it.

AIBU to ask to see who he was messaging?

If you read the updates you’ll see why the camera is inside

This is honestly weird…you have a Ring camera pointed at your bed??? So ALL of your ‘bedroom action’ is being filmed too!! FUCKING HELL! 🤯🤯🤯🤢

People have been caught jacking off in work meetings. I once saw a bloke wanking in a traffic jam.

I think it's pretty plausible that he was jacking off and going to whatsapp when it pinged.

Of course, it's equally plausible he's sexting.

As someone else said, I'd there are no kids the OP can walk away on the offchance he's cheating. If there are kids it gets more tricky.

Not possible as I make sure to have the privacy cover pulled when I come into the house. I’m quite paranoid about it. Thank you though

Read my previous posts you’ve just skimmed the initial one.

If he wanted to calm your feelings on this situation and to reassure you, he would show you the group chat messages to match the date and time of the video. End of. The fact that he isn’t willing to do this speaks volumes.

Man here! (Sorry, I really try not to do that but it's relevant here)

I don't really see why your husband's story is that unlikely @Sunsh89 . I can certainly think of times I've sent messages, or done random bits of life admin, while also masturbating.

I think men have two "modes" of masturbation, while women don't. Just going off women I've been out with in the past, they tended to set time aside specifically for the purpose of masturbation. And I do that sometimes as well. It's "I am setting aside this time specifically with the aim of orgasming"

But men also do what'l I'll term the "boredom wank". Where I'm not specifically looking to have a wank, but maybe this TV show isn't really gripping me, or maybe I'm scrolling Reddit and one in every 4 links I click on is porn. And if I orgasm, I orgasm, and if I don't , I don't. I'm not really masturbating, I'm just playing with my dick.

And I don't think women really do the second one, because I think generally masturbation involves more concentration for women than men. Ironically, given the male sexes reputation for being unable to multitask, this is the one thing we really can multitask during.

So yeah, I've done other stuff whilst masturbating, whether it's getting up to get a chocolate bar, or messaging DP to say we're out of chocolate bars, or setting a reminder to pay the gas bill, or checking IMDb to figure out who the actor on the TV show I'm watching is. Because I'm not sat there fantasizing at the time, I'm just doing something to occupy my hands that also feels good.

I'm not saying your husband definitely isn't cheating OP, just that what you've got isn't rock solid evidence by itself.

There's also the chance he's using one of those AI apps, to play out some fantasy. They send messages as well as do image generation,which would explain the mix of messages and porn.

I'm sorry, it is not looking good, some men are pathetic, they don't know how good they are treated until they lose the person who loved them.

He needs to be honest now, if there is any chance to rebuild the relationship.

If you are right, I agree there won't be a relationship to rebuild.

I understand what a ring doorbell is but I can't see how you can see a husband wanking in one

I don't really see why your husband's story is that unlikely . I can certainly think of times I've sent messages, or done random bits of life admin, while also masturbating.

I really didn't want to know that, won't look at my friends messages in the same way 😂

It's an eternal camera.

I just want to know if the parcel came. 😎

Yeh, what would alarm me is it's such an easy fix for him. If he's telling the truth he can easily show you the time stamped messages.

I absolutely trust my partner but trust is earned and also reinforced. He's going 'Dont you trust me?' but you could equally say, 'Dont you love me enough to do something so simple as to pull out your phone, clear up this miscommunication easily and show me how right I am to place my trust in you.'

If he refuses then 1. He was messaging someone else/ a porn chatbot thing (I agree with you even if its a paid for service its cheating). 2. He is saying such horrible things in a group chat he can't show you. This would also be unacceptable to me. 3. He doesnt value you enough to do something so simple to reassure you and is instead using this to put you down and make you insecure and train you not to want transparency in your relationship because youll be bullied for not trusting him.

All three would be enough for me to really think about the relationship.

Thank you, I appreciate a male take on this.

I didn’t know AI apps existed for that… and guess there is the potential that he could be too embarrassed to admit to it? And hence not showing me the messages?

We are so open as a couple I just don’t understand why he would lie, or not want to prove his innocence.

And if you thought you had witnessed your DH cheating on film, you'd genuinely turn it off and forget all about it. You'd actually think his privacy was more important than your long term future, your kids futures etc? Nah, sorry I don't believe you and neither would millions of other women (or men for that matter).

No you’re not being unreasonable.

The fact that he thinks you are, and then the fact that he won’t show you the messages says everything.

I’d be out of there.

I don’t understand why you haven’t taken his phone or left already.

Exactly how I feel. I’m not asking for the world. I never invade his privacy and trust him implicitly, up until this instance of coming across something I didn’t intend to… so easy to fix it though and he understands how seriously I’m taking it

My dear OP, I once went through that kind of rabbit hole and it ended my marriage - while were still together I agonized and mentally and emotionally tortured him about it for two years until I finally found peace with it - but things never fully healed between us because he never acknowledged how i felt or helped me navigate through it.

Watch Esther Perells Ted talk- there are several and its life changing but nonetheless, a partner that refuses to help you through your emotional turmoil and brushes it off and leaves you alone to deal with it in my experience is a death sentence for any real love or trust to remain in your relationship.

I can totally relate to I wish I never knew or never looked cause once you go down that path you cant unsee or unknow.

Look after yourself and decide what kind of life you want to live- one of peace of mind or an ongoing emotional turmoil with a person who leaves you alone when you're struggling.

I’m sorry but this made me laugh out loud 😂

If he doesn’t want to show you the messages he was sending at that time, then there’s a reason why. And it’s unlikely to be a ‘nice’ reason.

I’m sorry, but things like this are black and white to me. He won’t show you because he knows what he was doing was wrong and you aren’t going to like what you see.

Silence is deadly.
He has been caught, he is in fight or flight, desperately scrambling for an excuse, if there was an easy answer, he would not be holding back, knowing that you are upset.

Thank you for such a kind message. Haven’t heard of her but will definitely look up the TED talks.

A peaceful mind is something I’ve fought for for a long time. Not prepared to sacrifice that for someone who doesn’t consider my feelings.

Literally just making this account to reply (I’m a 22yo male college student so maybe it’s different vs a married father) but it’s plausible. I sometimes will reply to messages if I’m settling in for a long one (no pun intended) or I just get distracted bc I have horrendous adhd and although the meds work they also make me a sex pest toward myself (unless ofc I have a girl on the roster to).

Anyway he could be cheating too tho, just check his phone (he should be willing to prove his innocence if he has half a brain and knows it looks bad). If he’s got an iPhone make sure you check his recently deleted file too. And if you can’t find anything ask him to show the group message he replied in since it should line up perfectly with the time you caught him.

ok bye love you good luck brush your teeth and be in bed by midnight xxx mom

You would get divorced over porn? Blimey.

I had the joy of having to use and review a few of them for a tech blog I write for last year, and to be honest I found it a bit cringe having to explain that to DP, even though it was for work. I'd struggle to admit it I think if I'd actively chosen to use them, it's just embarrassing.

To be honest it's more likely he was just absently masturbating while doing other things though, although I don't know why he wouldn't just show you the messages. Unless he thought it was the start of a slippery slope of invading his privacy.