Child Benefit Rival Claim Ex Partner Earning Loads!!!!! part 2

[ProlongedAffair]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5294980-child-benefit-rival-claim-ex-partner-earning-loads?reply=144269354

I can’t write on the previous thread anymore, so I’ve created this one for people interested in the outcome of the CMS case. I’m committed to telling people what the outcome is regardless of whether it goes my way or not.

I know it's a truism but there are always three sides to an issue like this. Hers, his, and the truth.

As MrsSunshine2b and others have said, many of us have only heard your 'side' and still think you are the bitter, grabby one.

I really do hope you can retrieve a relationship with your children but I think you need to do some work on your bitterness and monetary focus to get there.

Yes I did send them gifts and got no acknowledgment.

Genuinely sorry to hear that. I hope they reach out soon

And he paid you more than he was required to until he had 50/50 custody. You can't get retroactive child support because he's making more money now. This has been explained to you many times.

Your children are seeing you for who you really are OP. The only way you can change that is to change yourself, apologise, take accountability, and hope that is enough.

What a monumental mess you've made here!

Given how hell bent you still are on being misunderstood, I'm wondering if the children were really alienated from, or by you.

Even now, months later, all concessions from your ex rejected, all advice from posters unheeded; you're still insisting it's everyone else's fault.

What do your family/friends/support system think of this mess? Are they supporting your belief that your ex and CMS are responsible for this? I can't understand the level of dissonance on display here.

Oh my goodness you are awful!!!! Honestly how is the money more important to you than not seeing your kids?! Everyone here sounds incredibly common and scummy, tbh. The kids deserve better.

And yet all you care about is money. Disgraceful.

My daughter decided the other month she wanted to live with her sister and think about moving to be with her dad. So she did. And he changed the CM to said sister. If this was to be permanent I’d lose the UC the bedroom entitlement etc etc. But I didn’t give a shit cos I’d rather none of that be paid and her be happy!!!! Children are NOT meal tickets!!! And once they are at an age to remember they will only remember that your main concern was money. In my case she’s home but I just left it and let her know gently she knew where I was if she needed. On her terms. I don’t usually rant but I’ve had a bad bloody day and cannot believe this post is still going on!!!

This has always been about punishing the ex for his lack of involvement when the kids were smaller. OP has repeated many times that she is bitter he was less involved, built his career and swanned back in when they were older. The money is not why the DC aren’t speaking for her, this is the reason, the hatred, bitterness and revenge. The entire plan was born out of OP trying to get retribution and compensation for what happened a decade ago.

@ProlongedAffair there isn't going to be any way forward with this unless you can draw a line under your 'principles' and perceived past injustices. Pursue your complaint with CMS by all means, but the fact is that you kept on pushing with this even when your ExH was prepared to drop all proceedings and resolve things with you.
No question that you did it out of bitterness and resentment but you lost out massively on all fronts. Isn't there a major life lesson there?
It doesn't sound as though you will ever acknowledge that though. In the unlikely event of an epiphany, I would start with a very sincere letter of apology for your misguided actions to your exh and ask for his support in trying to rebuild a relationship with your children.
I suspect hell will freeze over though....

I agree that it’s all misguided and if you think the DC did not pick up on this resentment, you are probably mistaken.

We all have tried to help you see things from another angle

There is another angle, you just refuse to look at it.

It is clear you did do all the hard graft when they were small, and he wasn’t very present.

Whether they were mistakes or bad decisions- He appears to have tried to rectify this in later life by adapting his life to incorporate more of the DC and spending more time with them, building a relationship with them.

During the early period he left them with you and helped raise them by providing financial support to you.

I know it’s hard to move past how resentful you feel that he had this freedom, but you did have all those wonderful formative years with your DC and money can’t buy that. You benefited from what he lost, although it doesn’t feel like that now as you have lost the children you gave up your freedom for.

This man may have been selfish in the past, no one is disagreeing with it. What we are saying is that your plan to make him pay for these years of crap support was also selfish and self centred. In the eyes of the DC, One of you (him) has moved forward and learnt from old mistakes and tried to be a better parent to the DC, and one (you) has taken a downward spiral into bitterness and it’s clouded your judgement terribly and harmed your relationship with your children.

You need to talk to a therapist about your bitterness and resentment towards your ex so you can process it, as it’s literally eating away at your life like a toxic cancer. He isn’t eating away at your life, he is just living his life - you can CHOOSE what you let affect you and get to you. You can choose what you do now. You can choose to let this go or hold onto it

Fuck me, there's a thread 2! I can not wait to go back after work and see how this turned out for OP 😂😂😂

Get a big drink and some pop corn

Aaaaand finished.

What a grade A fuckwit.

Even the kids have seen the truth. And of course she's still banging on how ex is the arse hole because he didn't keep OP's foul grabby behaviour a secret from his own teenage children. Even after this utter bollocks from her, he was still trying to give her an easy way out amicably and she refused. All about the cash and now it transpires her kids are the true price.

It's going to be a very lonely life if she carries on this bitter and entitled.

Despite him saying he was only opening the case to ‘protect himself’ I’ve just today had a phone call from the child maintenance service saying he’s reported me for non-payment and that I need to pay all the arrears or they are putting me on the service where they take it from my wages plus add 20%. If this doesn’t prove what I’ve been saying about my ex this entire thread then I don’t know what does.

@ProlongedAffair do you think you are exempt from child support for children that don't live with you?

What was your "believed" outcome when you decided you didn't have to pay him?

That he and you are as bad as each other wanting money over your childrens happiness?

I mean… you did start this… you can’t criticise him when you were the first to put a monetary value of your children’s upbringing…

but that aside, you are legally required to contribute financially to raising your children based on the current situation. So, whilst it may not be something you agree with or want to do, he’s not done anything wrong.

This comment has hit the nail on the head!!

He explicitly told me that he didn’t want the money (he earns loads more than me). He was allegedly opening the case to protect himself. Now he’s trying to get it all backdated and wants paying, even though he knows how much I am suffering with the children not living me with me and not talking to me.

Have you taken the time to consider that, at the beginning, he didn’t want anything from you? But then you pushed too far, tried to trick the system to benefit yourself, tried to take more from him than you were entitled to, and destroyed any good faith between you? Now he has the children and their day to day expenditure to shoulder alone, maybe he has realised he needs a contribution from you. Situations change and unfortunately you can’t just keep blaming him over and over and expect things to go your way.

He used to have the children on the weekend and be a Disney dad, he wasn’t concerned about me shouldering most of the responsibility then.

He’s been acting all high and mighty the whole time about money, now he’s started coming after me despite accusing me of doing that to him

Well, yeah?

You took the piss completely out of his generosity when he was paying you several hundreds every month, entirely voluntary as 50/50 and you tried to open a case to get even more. Of course he had to stop your greedy attempt. How dare you, frankly.

Then, he gave you a hundred opportunities (more than you deserved after the way you'd behaved) to address your own behaviour. But no, you kept on with your ridiculous "I believe myself to be right" greed.

He's done NOTHING wrong and been far more accommodating most people would have been. He hasn't turned the children against you, he's just told them what you did and they've formed the same opinion as the hundreds of people who told you how unacceptable and taking the piss your behaviour is.

Your choices and your consequences. He's done nothing and you can't beat to admit, even now, your greedy caused the whole situation.