Child Benefit Rival Claim Ex Partner Earning Loads!!!!! part 2

[ProlongedAffair]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5294980-child-benefit-rival-claim-ex-partner-earning-loads?reply=144269354

I can’t write on the previous thread anymore, so I’ve created this one for people interested in the outcome of the CMS case. I’m committed to telling people what the outcome is regardless of whether it goes my way or not.

OP. Why why WHY can’t you see that maintenance costs are about what is needed to support the DC NOW AND IN THE FUTURE…it’s NOT recompense for historical parenting injustices over the year.

i can see why you feel bitter and resentful but you’ve been failing/refusing to decouple the two issues.

It’s a difficult read because so many of the things you’ve accused your ex doing with regards money…you are also doing.

you can’t be serious OP after hundreds of people wrote to you. I understand you’re bitter and resentful that your ex left you carry the brunt when the kids were young and was really hard; you had to sacrifice your career and so much more. Now that the kids are way more self sufficient he swoops in and becomes a star parent. I get that. Still doesn’t mean you can expect him to pay you NOW for your past sacrifices on top of what he paid you then just because he CAN.
you put your resentment above your kids and now you’re paying the price. Is it fair- it’s not. But that’s life and you have to decide what’s more important for you- relationship with your kids? Or being eaten up by the resentment and making even more of a mess?

I have read your threads but not commented as plenty of people have shared opinions.

You do seem sad and hurt that your relationship with your children has broken down. Do you have a plan on how you might reconcile with them? To me it feels like you need to rebuild from the ground up and that needs a good plan of action and intent.

I think you need to clarify what this is about. Is this him claiming CMS from you since the children are in his care?

Or him asking for the repayment of the CMS payments he was forced to made due to your fraudulent claim?

He’s asking for the CMS since the children have been in his care. He’d originally said he was only opening the case to protect himself and didn’t want the money, so I didn’t pay anything. They’ve now said he wants all the arrears spanning months and to pay from now on. It’s still going through court because he wants the money he paid to be repaid, but a we haven’t had the court date with the judge yet.

He’s asking for the CMS since the children have been in his care. He’d originally said he was only opening the case to protect himself and didn’t want the money, so I didn’t pay anything. They’ve now said he wants all the arrears spanning months and to pay from now on. It’s still going through court because he wants the money he paid to be repaid, but a we haven’t had the court date with the judge yet.

You've been putting the money aside though, right?

Like the numerous people advised you to...

Or is this another example where you didn't actually listen to anyone giving you actual good advice?

He has probably been given legal advice to make sure his getting everything he can legally to help with his case.

But you should be paying op. Children are not free to raise. He could have a million pounds and as the mother you should still be supporting your own children. All you show them now is you wanted dad’s money but now the shoe is on the other foot you won’t pay a penny for them.

You could have avoided this even as recently as this past summer, correct? Didn't he email you and offer to drop his claim if you dropped yours? Myriad people told you to do that, and you didn't.

At this point, you are where you are. If you hope to salvage the relationship with your children, you need to start acting right. And that starts with paying the support you now owe.

I don’t want to keep sticking the boot in OP, but you had multiple opportunities to avoid this situation. In July, he made a claim against you, after rightfully getting one of the child benefit payments assigned to him, and your response was that he should either give you the child benefit back or pay you the money that you ‘lost’. At this point, you were made aware that you may have to pay him back the maintenance he gave you, to which you stuck your head in the sand, argued the toss about why he should be allowed to claim anything, tried blaming the CMS for ‘misleading’ you (and expected them to pay him back out of some mythical compensation pot), and ignored many posters, with lived experience, who told you you’d probably have to give the money back. That was over half a year ago, you’ve had ample time to get your head around this and done the right thing. Instead you’ve dug your heels in, had a pity party and still refuse to listen to anybody.

What do you actually think you are going to active? Not just with these posts, but generally. With your children.

If the judge turns around and agrees with him (which is not an unlikely scenario), will you accept that then?

Plus all you kept reverting to and getting stuck on throughout was how you were the primary parent because you did ‘more admin’. You know this is fairly normal in relationships, right - and that maintenance and child benefit it not a payment to you for doing more admin! It’s for the actual costs involved in raising the child.

I think you need some therapy to work through your resentment from earlier in your marriage. Whilst it may be justified, it’s unrelated to finance arrangements for now and the future. You’ve let the two collide and paid the price.

He’s asking for the CMS since the children have been in his care, as he is more than entitled, and of course I should be providing for my children. He’d originally said he was only opening the case to protect himself and didn’t want the money, so I didn’t pay anything. Then, you won't believe the greedy rampage I went on trying to get money I wasn't even entitled too, on top of the hundreds he was so generously giving me voluntarily. They’ve now said, is it any fucking surprise after my audacity and relentless attempts of greed against him that he naturally wants all the arrears spanning months and to pay from now on. It’s still going through court because he wants the money he paid to be repaid, and he's going to win that too because he was letting me have a small fortune out of nothing but goodwill but a we haven’t had the court date with the judge yet. I tell anyone what a victim I am, and as a result my children won't even speak to me and have gone to live with their father.

There. Fixed it for you.

OP, you need to let go of whatever has gone on in the past. You feel wronged about how he has been able to build his career, but that isn't going to help you get what you want in the future. You have to let it go.

I assume the goal is to try to get back to regular contact with your children.

Pay the maintenance, teenage children fully understand about money, and it will not help your relationship if you have to be forced to pay your share of their costs.

Once you're paying regularly, and the heat has been removed from this situation, reach out to your ex and ask him to facilitate regular contact.

From my situation, I didn't receive a penny in maintenance for years, worked full time, was always shattered, but have 2 daughters who want nothing to do with the father who refused to pay and made everything about money. 19 & 23 they are now, and I honestly believe they'll never speak to him again. It's not good for children to be estranged from a parent, no one wins. Don't be that parent. Let it go, it's really not worth it.

So what if he initially said he opened the case to protect himself? He has clearly changed his mind due to your continued unreasonable behaviour which caused the situation to escalate.

You yourself admitted early on that when you were 50:50 he was still paying maintenance. Your jealousy and greed led you to blur the truth to CMS in an attempt to claim money you were not entitled to.

your behaviour has created an unecessary shitstorm / distress for all involved and wasted a lot of peoples time. Sounds like he has probably been put to the trouble of incurring legal fees and now the kids reside with him. Even if it was him that instigated legal proceedings, it would have been triggered as a response to your behaviour.

In his shoes I’d also be going after you for what the CHILDREN are entitled to regardless as a higher earner because:

1. of the aggravation and stress caused by your greed. You’re a monumental cheeky individual frankly (assuming this is real at this point because I’m struggling to believe anyone is this dense);
2. so that the money could be put aside for the KIDS to use at a later date.

Him chasing the maintenance was entirely predictable. You kept pushing and he pushed back.

how much do you owe?
Can you negotiate back to direct pay rather than collect and pay?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5506932-ex-disputing-cms-and-making-rival-child-benefit-claim-in-5050-care?page=5&reply=151244972