To think all men are pervy, some just hide it better than others?

[UnderTheSea25]

As per the title really. I’ve been astounded by some of the recent insights on here - a mum being hounded at a soft play, misogynistic colleagues, heck someone even said recently their partner complained the worst thing about TTC was that it took anal off the table!

A common trend is that it’s often said ‘they’ve never said things like that before’ or ‘they are a great father’ etc.

This makes me wonder - are most if not all men like this deep down, just some are better at hiding it than others?

Tbf they are both young and very good looking. Idk if I'd have the same "success"

Men have an extremely strong desire to have sex with women.

And vice versa (!)

Unless you think the vast majority of the sex happening every day of the week in situations ranging from one night stands & hook-ups, to cheating, to fwb, to swinging, to LTRs and marriages ....is non consensual??

Though as a poster has said; women's is probably more affected by hormonal changes and other things than men's.

I think the difference for me is that men are much more commonly predatory & indiscriminate in their sexuality than women are.

For various reasons.

I don't know of that is what is meant by pervy.

So many of the women who are on here having a tough time would have described their husbands exactly as you have.

that’s the problem. How do you tell the difference between good guys and wrong uns?

There are lots of decent men like your DH. And I also know lots of decent men in my social circle, but I’ve also seen lots of men who appear perfectly nice, until I’ve got to know them better and the mask has slipped.

They are completely different animals. I think that many men are fantastic in many areas of their lives, but that side of them, to me, is just unfathomable. Once that side is triggered it seems that we turn into a pizza, and they are hungry! We stop being human, we become a means to an end.

I was going to say the same. Humans are animals and many (not all, I'd argue) are very, very focused on sex. Personally I think - men much more than women, but I'm old and I'm prepared to be shot down in flames for saying that!

The natural lifespan of humans was probably about 30-40 years before medical science and I suppose we tend to assume that (mainly men's) sexual urges should fade a bit after that. But often they don't, now so many of us live unnaturally long lives, hence the 'dirty old man' trope.

Thank goodness that nurture/upbringing/social conditioning/taboos/inhibitions tend to keep a lid on sexual urges most of the time. Modern life would be unbearable if they didn't! You can guess from my post that I'm an old-fashioned prude and proud of it!

No, they’re not, What a strange view of men. Perhaps just involve yourself with nicer men.🙄

Women of course, are paragons of virtue...
This is like the 1970s trope that all men are rapists.
People need to get a grip. What message are you giving your children?
Bonkers assertion based on a few MN threads.

25% of women have been raped.
50+% of women have been sexually assaulted.

If you assume the men who did that haven’t reoffended, it means …
25% of men are rapists
50% of men have sexually offended a woman.

And let’s assume men actually reoffend, at the rate of 1 man has attacked 2 women instead, it’s still a hell of a lot of men that have questionable behaviours.
12% so 1 man out of 10 men you know is rapist.
1 out 4 men you know has sexually assaulted a woman.

So yay, let’s get a grip and stop assuming men are great and ‘Not All Men’ because it actually diminishes the problem.

The fact women are not paragon of virtue is not here nor there. Simply because women’s behaviour has no relation with these men behaviours. And because two wrongs don’t it right either. If you have an issue with women’s behaviour, then address it on its own

The title of the thread is referring to all men being perverts. You cant say all men are based on the actions of some.

Yep I agree a good chunk of men are undercover pervs. I think some women are very naive to this “my friends husband isn’t a perv!” Yes because he’s really going to expose himself to his DW friend. Are you with him 247? Have you investigated his computer/ phone inside out? Honestly the amount of “lovely” DHs that have turned out to be a sick pervert I don’t put it past any of them anymore. Again, I said a “good chunk” of them before anyone comes for me. I know there are some good men out there. I just think they’re the minority unfortunately.

Thing is "pervy" is a meaningless word in this context because everyone has a different definition.

I think we can all agree that anything non-consensual (including anything that involves children and animals) is beyond the pale, and too many men are into those things, but "pervy" isn't how I'd describe them - too lightweight a word.

Beyond that one person's perviness is another person's kink. Find someone you're compatible with and let everyone else be.

It's very very clear that a good proportion of MN believes sex itself is "pervy" and anyone who has a functioning sex drive is also "pervy".

Well said @BlueTitShark i think stats like those need trotting out much more often. Those stats also only highlights actions that affect women enough to notice, there are no stats on what goes through the minds of most men. How many have inappropriate thoughts but never act on the in any way?

one study found that a third of men would rape if they could get away with it. can we safely say that the remaining two third wouldn’t have pervy thoughts? Or perhaps there is a gradient? Rape is a bit much women don’t quite deserve that but ogling a nice bum or boobs is fair game…

No it’s not all men. But I don’t think the OP meant literally ALL men. I read it as an exasperated exaggeration in phrasing, but the point is to highlight and discuss a very real and undeniable problem.

Where do you put the limit to say ‘Not all men’?
Is above 50% enough?

Because if 50% of men have sexually assaulted a woman (ie they behaved illegally), then many more than 50% are ‘perverts’ tbh.

The thing is @gannett many of us don’t consent to being viewed in a sexual manner by those who are not our intimate partner. We should not have to cover ourselves head to toe in loose fitting clothes to avoid this.

Many of us won’t mind men noticing how sexually attractive we are to them so long as they don’t make inappropriate comments to us. Or in fact many of us probably take an ego boost from such comments. But it’s a deeper problem- if the first thing a man noticed about a woman is how sexy he finds her then he perceives her value through that lense. It doesn’t serve us for equality in the workplace or home if our other skills are always secondary to our looks in a way men in the workplace and home just don’t suffer when being evaluated for promotion or getting a thank you for washing up.

I think about sex every day (unless I'm very ill😅). I'd never behave in a pervy way towards anyone though, for some reason men have less of a filter.

What really bugs me is that many are so hyper-vigilant for any glimmer of a sign that a woman may be interested, that they perceive any smile, laugh at a joke, or standing close to them as a potential come-on and pounce. It's exhausting.

Even if the men were lined up round the block, the sex would likely be shit. At least when men have sex they usually get to orgasm. If we have sex, especially with people who dont know our bodies, chances are, it's shit and you end up left more frustrated than if you hadn't bothered.

Any male with a sex drive on MN is a perv..And if he doesn't want to have sex then ltb because life's too short.

The problem is there are all different statistics out there, I have no idea which ones to take as being 'real'. And people have differences of opinion on what they feel is inappropriate. Also if you have one man, say going around dating websites being pervy with women on dates, all those women if interviewed might report that they felt they had experienced inappropriate behaviour, but that's still only one man.

When I was younger I had a very negative attitude towards men as I'd hear and read all this negative stuff. As I've got older I've obviously got to know a range of men and had time with men and learnt more about them and how they think, feel and look at the world. I honestly think they are sometimes just completely misunderstood.

No it's perfectly possible for a man to notice how attractive a woman is first but not continue to perceive her value through that lense.

@Burntt do you think all people whose value judgements are affected by how attractive they see the other person are problematic, or is it only when men do it?

Obviously I’d agree it’s problematic whoever judges value first by attractiveness but it’s still men who are most guilty of that.

How did you reach the conclusion that it's men that are most guilty of that?

The reason I ask is that I'm a man whose weight has risen and fallen over the decades and it's always notable how differently many women treat me when I'm slimmer.

A fair number of women are also very judgemental about the perceived attractiveness of other women. There's been many threads on mumsnet from women complaining about how differently their female friends and/or family treat them when they've lost weight, had cosmetic surgery, or otherwise made changes to their perceived attractiveness.

Apparently, morticians generally " Think twice before hiring male staff..."