To think all men are pervy, some just hide it better than others?

[UnderTheSea25]

As per the title really. I’ve been astounded by some of the recent insights on here - a mum being hounded at a soft play, misogynistic colleagues, heck someone even said recently their partner complained the worst thing about TTC was that it took anal off the table!

A common trend is that it’s often said ‘they’ve never said things like that before’ or ‘they are a great father’ etc.

This makes me wonder - are most if not all men like this deep down, just some are better at hiding it than others?

That was more or less the case at first. Self-described incels largely saw themselves as losers. They'd either failed to get the nerve up to ask a woman out in the first place or tried, been rejected, and so regarded themselves as failures.

Over the years it's morphed into a more complex web of toxic bullshit that has externalised the self-hatred into blaming and dehumanising women for their choices instead.

Blaming a group as a whole for the behaviours of a subset of that group is an easy trap to fall into but it's rarely helpful.

Yeah like blaming men as a whole for the behaviours of some men.

There's lots of things both men and women would do if there was no law against it/society didn't look down on it

I don't think we can judge people by that.

Sigh. While ' Not my Nigel', is completely understandable, providing as it does, a sense of emotional safety and security that helps an intimate relationship to thrive ; the reality is, that a significant majority of women seem to use the word ' blindsided' or similar after their partners eg leave abruptly for OW. The sudden realisation that they never really knew 'Their Nigel' at all is a sad yet sobering commonplace appearing as it does in so many of their stories.

That took my mind to the question of whether humans are designed to be monogamous. Certainly if you love your partner and continue to do so throughout the relationship then that can override everything, but if the love is lost?

I definitely think an extremely high number of men are just complete slaves to their sexual urges.

Well indeed.

Is there a female equivalent of incel? Women who hate men because they judge them all based on the actions of some.

MNers?

Maybe the "Not my Nigel" thing comes about because it just might be the case that not all men are sex-obsessed perverted abusers. Maybe some really are just, well, quite nice humans.

While it's easy to blame an entire class of people for the behaviours of a few it often leads to the kind of shit that incels and gammons believe.

That’s not what an incel is. And no, there aren’t female equivalents of incels because society socialises men and women very differently in how to handle sexual rejection.

When women are rejected women are at fault.
When men are rejected women are also at fault.

(Although, ironically, the term “incel” was coined by a woman to describe herself and was a space for introspection. Angry young men took it and turned it into something entirely different.)

Sigh you cant just write off 50% of the population becsuse of the behsviour of some.

Also “Not My Nigel” assumes her version of the man she is with is the same version every women he dated saw / the same version every woman on the planet sees.

One woman’s “incredible guy” can easily be another woman’s “arsehole”.

But are 'sex obsessed', and 'quite a nice human' necessarily mutually exclusive?

Some would argue that many , if not most ( especially young) men, would fall into the former category.

The person I was asking that to described incels as men who hated women due to the actions of some women

They do hate women….because they feel entitled to sex and hate women for “denying” them that.

There is no female equivalent for that.

Maybe sex obsessed nice guy is the best option for everyone 😊

It tends to be a very different route. The men who follow the incel / redpill / manosphere stuff where they see women as mercenary gold-diggers tend to get there early in their life, often triggered by their failure to date successfully in their teens and twenties.

Women who follow the "all men are abusive perverts who are guaranteed to cheat on you the minute they think they can get away with it" theme tend to reach that position later in their lives after one or more bad relationships.

In either situation it's not set in stone. Some men only get to the "all women are gold-digging whores" frame of mind after being married and divorced. Some women regard all men as despicable from an early age. I'm just talking trends.

But those two aren’t the same.

A woman who has been cheated on has been mistreated.

A man who has been unable to get his dick wet with a woman of his choosing has not been mistreated.

The incel hatred of women stems from
their anger at women having agency.

Yeah they hate all women despite the fact their hate should only be directed at those who rejected/wronged them. Although a sane person would realise that rejection shouldnt mean hate. And then they go on to online forums with other young men with the same negativity and they slag women off and the hatred builds and builds.

Why should they be angry at women who rejected them?

Why even bring that up? How is that equivalent to a woman disliking men after being treated badly?

I'd say that "sex obsessed perverted abuser" and "quite a nice human" are mutually exclusive.

Most men, particularly those who are younger, are definitely interested in sex. As are most women of course. But there's a running theme on this thread that men are ONLY interested in sex which simply isn't true. There's curry and beer as well.

The men in my family have never given off pervy vibes about women (dad, uncle, my sons), my friends husbands, who I have known many years, have never given a hint of it either. There are plenty that do and I’ve met many over the years, but in my own circle I’m glad to say not. Even my ex, who could be quite the annoying pest to me, never voiced pervy attitudes about women in general (I don’t think it counts when a couple perv each other).

I didn't compare those two things? And if you care to read my post correctly I said a sane person wouldn't see rejection as a reason to hate.

They're not the same in origin but they're very similar in effect - in both instances you're taking the actions of a subset of a group and projecting that on to the group as a whole.

A woman who's been cheated on has been mistreated but she hasn't been cheated on by every man in the world.

A man who's been laughed at by a woman for asking for a date has been treated unkindly but he hasn't been laughed at by every woman in the world.

In both situations the person could think "The person who just hurt me is an asshole" and move on with their life. Or they could think "Everyone who is the same sex as the person who hurt me is an asshole".