To think all men are pervy, some just hide it better than others?

[UnderTheSea25]

As per the title really. I’ve been astounded by some of the recent insights on here - a mum being hounded at a soft play, misogynistic colleagues, heck someone even said recently their partner complained the worst thing about TTC was that it took anal off the table!

A common trend is that it’s often said ‘they’ve never said things like that before’ or ‘they are a great father’ etc.

This makes me wonder - are most if not all men like this deep down, just some are better at hiding it than others?

First, define "pervy" for this purpose.

This thread is understandable, and heartbreaking. Some men want to be a good person, spend time listening and growing, and are focused on making a better future for their kids by living as a good example. I don't know how useful generalisations are. They definitely cause division, and reinforce that difference into the future.

I'm all for accountability though, and am as angry and shocked by many threads, as i imagine women are. The "nice view at the play area" in particular had me in a rage for most of yesterday. I love MN because i've learned a tonne about life from it, and i see older people equiping younger people with wisdom and discernment. I'd like to see less anger and blame, and more constructive understanding between the sexes. How can a species have so many amazing advancements, and yet have families disintegrating, and such poor understanding of relationships and mental health?

Yanbu. I believe men do what they can get away with - based on looks, money, charm. For some it's perving over Only Fans 'models' behind their partners backs, for other more attractive men with a bit of money that can pull, it means affairs in hotel rooms. And in between you have all the others testing the boundaries.

I think most men are pretty gross. But it's in their nature.

I was naive to it in my 20s and most of my 30s but now the rose coloured glasses have come off I see them for what they are.

I agree with this point. I have noticed a recurring trend though especially when some men have gfs / other halves and they try play the field a bit.

How is this any different to saying all women are over emotional hormone filled drama queens who over think every single thing and can't wake up in the morning without feeling judged

No all men and all women are not the same

Plenty of decent men but also a lot of complete creeps. When I was in my teens and early 20s I found that almost every male friend had some kind of ulterior motive and when I would politely decline they would disappear. I'm not even particularly attractive so it was more opportunistic. I only have a small amount if male friends as an adult but all are good people who treat women well.

I’ve often heard that but I’m not sure that it stacks up as a primeval imperative. Biologically females have one egg each month so once chance for it to be fertilised - biologically it makes more sense that females would have sex with as many males as possible to ensure that !

Perhaps because we know how easy we can get it, it makes us less concentrated on it. Not to mention you wouldn't want to be pregnant all the time. That side of it isnt an issue to a man so the urge is there all the time as they dont have the consequences.

Exactly what I was going to say. My DH is a thoroughly good egg and so are his friends. I don't doubt the truth of most of the posts I read on here about men who are arseholes but mine isn't, and he doesn't hang out with arseholes either.

I've no idea you would need to ask the original poster. I wasnt quite sure if it was posted as an example of 'yeah men are creeps' or 'no lots of men arent'

Yes lad humor…. Juvenile… but definitely not all men.

@CarterBeatsTheDevil
@Franjipanl8r

The thing is how do you know what goes through their heads? Some men are able to check their behaviour better than others but it doesn’t mean they don’t think about women in a certain way. They might not be like that but we can see that a lot of men watch porn & use prostitutes but they don’t announce it to everyone they know. There must be quite a number who do use porn otherwise it wouldn’t be so lucrative.

Pervy is a word that put a judgement on a man's sex drive.

I think almost all men are strongly sexually driven. To an extent that most women are not. When I was going through perimenopause with my hormones going wild I got strong sexual urges around ovulation that were much more powerful than I'd previously experienced and that was an eye opener for me. If men feel like that every day, then it does take quite a lot of self control not to act on that by things like viewing porn etc.

Nevertheless we all can exercise self control. Id only judge a man as pervy if he makes no steps to do so and hence makes women around him uncomfortable by making inappropriate comments or advances. This is where social rules come into play.

What do you mean by 'certain way'? If you mean men thinking of women sexually then yes most of the straight ones will unless they have zero sex drive and are a damp flannel. If you mean in a predatory, want to hurt them kind of way then no only certain men would.

Agree.
I have sons - all respectful.
I once went out with a builder.
(sure there was a lot of builder jokes on site) but he would tell other men off , especially about swearing.
‘not in the presence of ladies’ he’d say.
He was very protective.

I don't know what goes through anyone's head at any given time 🤷 but all the evidence suggests that my DH and his friends are not arseholes

I think it’s the other way around

Dominique Pelicot was a ‘nice, normal husband’ and seemingly so were the 50 local men who also stood trial for rape.

I believe that most men would do terrible things if they thought they’d get away with it. This survey found a third of male students would - but really, I’m amazed that many answered in the affirmative! I imagine those that said no were lying to the researchers, or perhaps themselves.

I don’t think we as women are immune to a bit of suppression of basic innate urges. Equally men being a ‘bit pervy’ isn’t a crime. It’s human nature.

I think some men are like that. Some genuinely despise it. In between you've got a LOT of weak, suggestible, cowardly sheep like creatures and the couldn't care less if its not my Mrs brigade, who sit there like fools, making the group of active pervs seem larger than it is. Many men that people claim aren't like that are in that group.

It was reduced to 13% once described as rape and concluded more education was needed around what people view as rape.

I also think questions like this tap into the darkest corners of people's minds when thinking of a world without consequences to actions. Its easy to put yes I'd do something bad if there was no consequence- on a piece of paper, but when faced with real life the vast majority probably still wouldn't do it.

I have a wonderful DH! He is respectful of women and I have absolutely no evidence or even red flags that he is masking his misogynistic tendencies. He is an equal parent to our children completely. I believe there are lots of men out there like him but I do consider myself lucky every day for him.

I work in criminal justice though so I see the worst of the worst men. There are so many of them who are disgusting pigs who clearly despise women. They don’t hide it very well. I can recognise that they are the extreme though and I just continue to consider myself lucky that my DH isn’t like that.

Agree with this. The Pelicot case was awful but how did he find so many hideous, revolting men to do something so repugnant within rural France? Most were married and none of the wives knew, obviously.
Also had an…..enlightening conversation with a younger relative. Apparently there is some Onlyfans woman who, for “publicity” had sex with 1050 men in one day? Who THE ACTUAL FUCK are the men who would do that? There was apparently a video of the queue - it was down the stairs and out the building and some wore bloody balaclavas to hide their identity!!!!! Grim AF.
I don’t think you can ever know 100% what your partner would or wouldn’t do or say. You can’t move on here for some distressed woman having discovered something grim about the man she’s with. I think a lot of men know what is societally acceptable and show that side of themselves, but hide the rest.

The pervy-ness came from the fact that the poster’s husband was discussing their intimate sex life with friends and making many other lewd comments. I remember the thread. OP’s friends reluctantly told her what her H was saying to their Hs and how uncomfortable everyone was with his general perving. It wasn’t a comment on anal itself.

Unsurprisingly there were other issues in the marriage.

Mumsnet isnt real life people post about bad situations
They dont post about mundane situations .