To think all men are pervy, some just hide it better than others?

[UnderTheSea25]

As per the title really. I’ve been astounded by some of the recent insights on here - a mum being hounded at a soft play, misogynistic colleagues, heck someone even said recently their partner complained the worst thing about TTC was that it took anal off the table!

A common trend is that it’s often said ‘they’ve never said things like that before’ or ‘they are a great father’ etc.

This makes me wonder - are most if not all men like this deep down, just some are better at hiding it than others?

Probably not all. A lot though. To varying degrees.

I think that most people keep themselves in check because they know the consequences of not doing so. I think that you don't want to know what people are capable of if there are suddenly no consequences for anything anyone does,

From a primeval stance, men were here to impregnate women.
I do believe that deep inner urge is still there in most men. I imagine it’s only social conventions and morality that stops the majority from giving in to their urges- so we see it as porn addiction/affairs/sex pest behaviour etc.

Ill probably get flamed for that viewpoint but I really do believe there’s an element of truth in it.

It's a difficult one as it's easy to get the impression lots of men are like that. But perhaps nicer men might be likely to not be so 'noticeable' so we are less aware of them. It's the drama and complaints and news we hear about.

As for the anal comment, that's an act between the man and woman so not sure the issue re that, presumably it was probably said to be a funny remark between a couple.

It was said by the partner to his friends from memory!

I am starting to think this is the case. Just hearing about cases like Gisele Pelicot - I think there’s lots of men who we think are ‘nice’ who would do things if they could do so anonymously without being found out by friends, partner, colleagues.

Well that's a joke between friends then.

It would be silly for anyone to flame you. It's a very sensible post. We are animals. And we have animal instincts and urges and you are right that it is controlled (to the extent it is) by the veneer of civilisation we have painted over our animal selves.

Depends what you believe is perverted. I don’t think anal between consensual adults is pervy; the comment made just sounds a joke. The harassment is more of a problem & is down to entitlement rather than being ‘pervy’

Yes this is true

I swim a lot and once a male swimmer had a very loose swimming trunks and let's just say he wasn't completely covered up. When I told my male friends they were so angry on my behalf. For days afterwards I would get texts from them checking in with me.

So that's an example of men coming together against the actions of one man. So that's a positive 😊

You’re entirely right. As for the anal comment it was never on the table in this house. Porn has a lot to answer for. 🤢

Totally agree!

No they are not. We can’t tell which are. But it’s not all.

Sweeping judgements like this help no one. What we need is the good men to stand up and stop the bad ones. Call out the misogyny. Call out the bad behaviour. Unfriend the ‘lads’ in their groups that behave this way.

Do you have sons OP? Are you looking at them as pervs?

You can’t honestly take what’s on an internet forum like MN and believe it’s a reflection of real life?! The threads on here are from women going through a tough time. It would be an utterly boring thread if someone came on saying “I have a really nice normal husband who’s kind and respectful”.

Honestly hand on heart I’ve dated a fair few men and none are perverts, there are plenty of nice guys out there. My DH is the kindest most respectful person I’ve ever met. He doesn’t watch porn, has never used a prostitute and is genuinely a feminist. Call me naive if you want, but I don’t hang out with any horrid men, the type women post about on here.

The older I get, the more men I meet and I think they’re all pretty vile to be honest when it comes to sex etc. They’re generally (before someone comes along to tell me otherwise) much more sexually driven than women.

I think so. That isn't to say that some women aren't like it too. But men seem to be slaves to their sexual urges and this removes their ability to distinguish between acceptable and less acceptable behaviour.

The way their eyes seems to almost uncontrollably be drawn towards a woman they deem sexually attractive for example, even if she is underage. That lack of control is concerning. A lot of them now understand it's unacceptable to have sex with an underage girl in a way that maybe they didn't 50 years ago, just because it's rightly deemed pedophilic now, whereas it wasn't necessarily seen that way then.

Society as a whole needs to be rigid in their policing of these beliefs and REALLY hammer how unacceptable these attitudes are to have any chance of forcing them to at least accept rationally that it's wrong. Because without a complete slam on what is and isn't OK, there is no incentive for them to work on overcoming the bio urge.

How we get to that point in a patriarchal society though, I don't know.

No they are not. We can’t tell which are. But it’s not all.

You see, I think they are - I do think it’s all pretty primal. But the decent, civilised ones learn how to manage and suppress those urges and understand how they can make women feel uncomfortable. Hence decent men are horrified at the idea of being thought of as a “perv” or a predator.

Depends what you mean by ‘pervy’. All men have sexual thoughts and fantasies about women and those thoughts are unlikely to be about gentle sex with their own partner in the missionary position.

I don’t think, however, that all men talk about women in explicit/misogynistic ways with their friends. Plenty do. Plenty don’t.

In my own experience, whenever a friend in real life has found out her boyfriend behaves like that and has said ‘I didn’t think he was the kind of man who would talk like that’, I’ve always thought ‘that’s interesting because I’ve met him and I would immediately have guessed he was the kind of man who would talk like that’.

There ARE exceptions. I had a friend years ago with a good husband who genuinely wasn't pervy. But I do think most men are. Some cover it up well.

Men are sexually driven. They can’t help it sadly. It’s in their nature to feel a drive towards having sex, so tberefore they come across pervy. Some men are better at hiding it than others, and some men will be more picky with who they fancy so they won’t necessarily show it with all women. But some men aren’t fussy, don’t try and hide it and are probably a bit agressive so they let the others down!

Well not ALL men want to sleep with women...

Which isn't to say gay guys can't be perry either.

But basic instincts are to have sex, procreate and to look at the opposite sex in terms of how they'd provide those things. Women do the same but not always as obviously.

Society sets rules, which change as society changes, which we then apply to ourself to control those instincts.

Women can be "pervy" in the sense you've said too. Making crude jokes to their friends, looking at men in terms of attractiveness, making comments at men.

A lot of people are “pervy” if pervy means focussed on sex, liking things other than just PIV or having unusual reasons for fancying people.

What’s not acceptable is if people’s sexual urges involve wanting to harm their partner and that’s the danger with men - weeding out the ones who want that.

Bit over the top, no?
Or was the guy a flasher on purpose?

Yes it was intended as a joke imo. As with anything taken out of context to make it sound bad.