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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think all men are pervy, some just hide it better than others?

199 replies

UnderTheSea25 · 12/04/2025 09:33

As per the title really. I’ve been astounded by some of the recent insights on here - a mum being hounded at a soft play, misogynistic colleagues, heck someone even said recently their partner complained the worst thing about TTC was that it took anal off the table!

A common trend is that it’s often said ‘they’ve never said things like that before’ or ‘they are a great father’ etc.

This makes me wonder - are most if not all men like this deep down, just some are better at hiding it than others?

OP posts:
yoghurttops · 12/04/2025 23:46

I think it’s a mixture of sex drive and peer pressure. I know plenty of women that would be called pervs if they were men by the way the droll over men, talk about sex and find guys.

I think that culture accepts pervy men - it’s twisted but boys tend to get pushed by dads and uncles to find a girlfriend - in a way that girls arnt, because we are told to stay away from men. Boys are encouraged to loose their virginity, girls are told to stay celibate for as long as possible. When I was younger I was friends with lots of guys, most of them felt that they lost their virginity too early, and didn’t care for sex - but the pressure almost makes being pervy a right of passage.

I don’t think all men are pervs - but I do think culture encourages some men to be. I agree with everyone that has mentioned biology because we are geared differently - but not every man amis a predator.

User135644 · 13/04/2025 08:46

JHound · 12/04/2025 20:40

I definitely think an extremely high number of men are just complete slaves to their sexual urges.

They are and most men get limited opportunity (outside of a relationship) so will take any bit of attention.

Women can get sex every night of the week if they wanted with a different man, pretty easily, so value sex less as it's so easily obtainable.

justasking111 · 13/04/2025 08:51

Pricelessadvice · 12/04/2025 09:37

From a primeval stance, men were here to impregnate women.
I do believe that deep inner urge is still there in most men. I imagine it’s only social conventions and morality that stops the majority from giving in to their urges- so we see it as porn addiction/affairs/sex pest behaviour etc.

Ill probably get flamed for that viewpoint but I really do believe there’s an element of truth in it.

Tend to agree. Men are ruled by their hormones as are women. But we both need to curb our instincts to live together, raise children and grow old together.

Almostwelsh · 13/04/2025 22:04

I think it's interesting that some of the harshest judges of men, especially men connected to their female relatives can be other men. Because they know how men think.

It's like the joke -

Men - "Not all men"
Men to their daughters - "Yes, all men. Every single one of them"

Maybe we should believe them.

Winifredtabago · 14/04/2025 07:10

Almostwelsh · 13/04/2025 22:04

I think it's interesting that some of the harshest judges of men, especially men connected to their female relatives can be other men. Because they know how men think.

It's like the joke -

Men - "Not all men"
Men to their daughters - "Yes, all men. Every single one of them"

Maybe we should believe them.

Like you say that's a joke. Men are always very overprotective of their daughters because they know what some men are like.

mepipesneedlagging · 14/04/2025 09:21

Pricelessadvice · 12/04/2025 09:37

From a primeval stance, men were here to impregnate women.
I do believe that deep inner urge is still there in most men. I imagine it’s only social conventions and morality that stops the majority from giving in to their urges- so we see it as porn addiction/affairs/sex pest behaviour etc.

Ill probably get flamed for that viewpoint but I really do believe there’s an element of truth in it.

HRTFT yet, but completely agree with this.
It's why many Gay men are so much more open to a non monogamous relationship.
George Michael had some very succinct reasons when he came out after being arrested.

Pompompowder · 14/04/2025 09:47

Going by my experience of men and what they have told me , most men will cheat if given the opportunity and believe they won’t get caught . So many men in LTR have told me that they miss the thrill of exploring a new body and being suprised . So many told me how they would love to just fuck and go . I think they just want variety with no emotional strings attached. Unfortunately for them women want more than that and can be choosy who we get in to bed with .

RubyTuesday10 · 14/04/2025 09:47

I think “pervy” is perhaps a word too loaded with judgement to apply it to every man and we need to be careful about generalising human behaviour but yes, I think we probably need to accept that there are differences (generally) between the ways in which men and women are wired.

My personal opinion from what I have witnessed, (I’m 46) is that men generally have a constant sex drive throughout their lives whereas for women, it fluctuates depending on our emotional/mental state and our hormone levels. Many heterosexual marriages seem to struggle when the woman loses her confidence and sex drive at menopause but the man still very much needs regular intimacy.

Also, I would say that heterosexual men are naturally hard wired to notice women’s physical attributes, particularly the more sexualised ones such as chest, thighs, bum etc. They probably are genetically programmed to procreate so this is probably almost a reflex action especially with younger women of “childbearing” age. Novelty and fantasy do play a part in this, which is why pornography exists. The attributes that heterosexual women are drawn to are perhaps more varied and complex but of course we too look twice sometimes.

However, I don’t think we need to panic and write the entire male gender off just because their sexuality is different. The way a man has been brought up will be a huge factor in how he views and treats women as well as other influences such as the environment, society, friends, colleagues and the media. There are plenty of men who can feel attracted women but respect them and don’t feel the need to degrade them. Also, men can be just as drawn to a woman’s personality and sense of humour, they need kindness and a good laugh as much as we do, especially in a life partner.

What does concern me is the women who promote the degradation of women- the Bonnie Blues of this world who normalise the act of women profiting from being used by men. It distorts the view of what is normal and that affects all of us.

createsomemess · 14/04/2025 10:29

I’m not sure what you mean by pervy. Society is misogynistic.

It is changing slowly with attitudes but it exists within us all.

Society tells us how men and women are supposed to exist and behave.

You can boil it down to the dawn of agriculture and the shift away from tribal groups - one in which men and women were involved in childcare and women went out to hunt.

We think women are men’s property and this dehumanises us.

Winifredtabago · 14/04/2025 13:44

createsomemess · 14/04/2025 10:29

I’m not sure what you mean by pervy. Society is misogynistic.

It is changing slowly with attitudes but it exists within us all.

Society tells us how men and women are supposed to exist and behave.

You can boil it down to the dawn of agriculture and the shift away from tribal groups - one in which men and women were involved in childcare and women went out to hunt.

We think women are men’s property and this dehumanises us.

Maybe a generational thing but I'm mid 40s and dont know anyone my age range or younger who thinks women are men's property. I can imagine it still exists in some religions or cultures though.

justasking111 · 14/04/2025 14:03

I've three sons two self employed. They're too knackered as are their working wives to perv. They're early forties.

Buildingthefuture · 15/04/2025 07:26

There is a well known “massage parlour” on my route to work. Traffic lights right outside it so I’m often stopped there. Call me naive but I had no idea these things were open during the day? And the sheer number of men I see going in always surprises me. All dressed differently, from suits to tracksuits to tradesmen. A lot wearing wedding rings! I think a lot goes on that a lot of women are completely unaware of.

Winifredtabago · 15/04/2025 07:48

Buildingthefuture · 15/04/2025 07:26

There is a well known “massage parlour” on my route to work. Traffic lights right outside it so I’m often stopped there. Call me naive but I had no idea these things were open during the day? And the sheer number of men I see going in always surprises me. All dressed differently, from suits to tracksuits to tradesmen. A lot wearing wedding rings! I think a lot goes on that a lot of women are completely unaware of.

Interesting that it's a well known place for prostitution and in a very open public place and the men are happy to be seen going in. If it's that obvious surprised the council dont investigate. Maybe it's not even just sex, could be a front for other dodgy activity.

Buildingthefuture · 15/04/2025 08:22

Winifredtabago · 15/04/2025 07:48

Interesting that it's a well known place for prostitution and in a very open public place and the men are happy to be seen going in. If it's that obvious surprised the council dont investigate. Maybe it's not even just sex, could be a front for other dodgy activity.

I goggled it. It details “body to body massage”, the “girlfriend experience” and says “used panties also for sale” 🤮🤮 it’s definitely just sex! It has been there for 10+ years and yes, I’m surprised it’s allowed too and yes, the men going in seem utterly unphased and generally look quite happy when they come out! 🤬🤬🤬

SallyWD · 15/04/2025 08:36

Pricelessadvice · 12/04/2025 09:37

From a primeval stance, men were here to impregnate women.
I do believe that deep inner urge is still there in most men. I imagine it’s only social conventions and morality that stops the majority from giving in to their urges- so we see it as porn addiction/affairs/sex pest behaviour etc.

Ill probably get flamed for that viewpoint but I really do believe there’s an element of truth in it.

I agree. Men have an extremely strong desire to have sex with women. Obviously these days, they are socialised not to express this desire too openly (although some do). I think it's wrong to call this out as them being "pervs" - it's just a biological, hormonal drive. Obviously lots of men do have perverse desires- but wanting to have sex with women and thinking about sex, isn't perverse.

Winifredtabago · 15/04/2025 08:37

Buildingthefuture · 15/04/2025 08:22

I goggled it. It details “body to body massage”, the “girlfriend experience” and says “used panties also for sale” 🤮🤮 it’s definitely just sex! It has been there for 10+ years and yes, I’m surprised it’s allowed too and yes, the men going in seem utterly unphased and generally look quite happy when they come out! 🤬🤬🤬

And what's the score with places where its legal like Amsterdam. Is it mainly tourists that use them or do local men use them to? You would think all the local wives and girlfriends would find it easy enough to find out what was going on.

Newbutoldfather · 15/04/2025 08:40

By definition, most men are not ‘Pervy’.

The whole meaning of perversion is that it is not normal. If most men do something, it isn’t perverted.

There was way too much bad behaviour accepted by men, especially powerful men, in the past.

However, some label perfectly normal sexual attraction and behaviour as perverted. I don’t think this is helpful.

For instance objectivisation is a weird one. To take the gendered aspect out of it, if a woman thinks two men are both lovely, but only has the hots for one as he has a great body and a chiselled jawline, is that attraction or objectivisation? We all view members of the opposite sex (or same sex) as sexual objects; that is not mutually exclusive of appreciating their other qualities.

QueefQueen80s · 15/04/2025 10:23

Buildingthefuture · 15/04/2025 07:26

There is a well known “massage parlour” on my route to work. Traffic lights right outside it so I’m often stopped there. Call me naive but I had no idea these things were open during the day? And the sheer number of men I see going in always surprises me. All dressed differently, from suits to tracksuits to tradesmen. A lot wearing wedding rings! I think a lot goes on that a lot of women are completely unaware of.

someone I was seeing said “they should be on every corner and seen as normal as getting a haircut”
I never saw him again.. he still tries to get in touch and doesn’t understand why what he said was bad.

Sodthesystem · 15/04/2025 12:18

User135644 · 13/04/2025 08:46

They are and most men get limited opportunity (outside of a relationship) so will take any bit of attention.

Women can get sex every night of the week if they wanted with a different man, pretty easily, so value sex less as it's so easily obtainable.

That's not true though. It's what the incel lot think. But it's bullshit.

Women have to consider safety so no, they can't get sex easily. Not unless they are willing to risk assault.

Plus they also have to fancy the person. I dunno about you but if I take a look on online dating I maybe think 25% might suit me. Say half like me back and half of those make it from talking to meeting stage. And of that 7percent or so, maybe 1 in 3 I'm into and is into me back enough for a shag (probably more like 1 in 8 tbh as for me there would need to be mad chemistry). And to even get to that point it's been months of trawling through potential suiters, a week or so of talking to this guy.

And maybe people also have other things like needing to find a babysitter or book a hotel or get waxed etc...

So no it's not easier for women to get sex. Even just sex.

Unless you mean drunk teenage women in nightclubs who may be more inclined to take mad risks just as it's portrayed as the normal to do so in university years.

Winifredtabago · 15/04/2025 12:47

Sodthesystem · 15/04/2025 12:18

That's not true though. It's what the incel lot think. But it's bullshit.

Women have to consider safety so no, they can't get sex easily. Not unless they are willing to risk assault.

Plus they also have to fancy the person. I dunno about you but if I take a look on online dating I maybe think 25% might suit me. Say half like me back and half of those make it from talking to meeting stage. And of that 7percent or so, maybe 1 in 3 I'm into and is into me back enough for a shag (probably more like 1 in 8 tbh as for me there would need to be mad chemistry). And to even get to that point it's been months of trawling through potential suiters, a week or so of talking to this guy.

And maybe people also have other things like needing to find a babysitter or book a hotel or get waxed etc...

So no it's not easier for women to get sex. Even just sex.

Unless you mean drunk teenage women in nightclubs who may be more inclined to take mad risks just as it's portrayed as the normal to do so in university years.

Edited

I think it's more about knowing we can get sex if we want it. We dont have to try with the opposite sex as much as they need to try with us.

Hoplolly · 15/04/2025 12:51

I don't think I could just get sex if I want it! For all the reasons @Sodthesystem has stated.

I also don't think all men are 'pervy'.

Jamclag · 15/04/2025 12:53

Sodthesystem · 15/04/2025 12:18

That's not true though. It's what the incel lot think. But it's bullshit.

Women have to consider safety so no, they can't get sex easily. Not unless they are willing to risk assault.

Plus they also have to fancy the person. I dunno about you but if I take a look on online dating I maybe think 25% might suit me. Say half like me back and half of those make it from talking to meeting stage. And of that 7percent or so, maybe 1 in 3 I'm into and is into me back enough for a shag (probably more like 1 in 8 tbh as for me there would need to be mad chemistry). And to even get to that point it's been months of trawling through potential suiters, a week or so of talking to this guy.

And maybe people also have other things like needing to find a babysitter or book a hotel or get waxed etc...

So no it's not easier for women to get sex. Even just sex.

Unless you mean drunk teenage women in nightclubs who may be more inclined to take mad risks just as it's portrayed as the normal to do so in university years.

Edited

This is a good point - well, apart from the waxing. I think the idea promoted by incel culture and other misogynists that women have access to sex whenever we fancy is based on the behaviour of many gay males. However, it fails to take into account any of the biological and social differences that restrict female sexual behaviour. Safety - the risks of sexual violence from a physically stronger partner and pregnancy - is not a factor men have to consider when they fancy sex with a stranger.

On a tangent - this is why I hated the Emma Stone movie Poor Things so much. The idea that all that inhibits a female's sexuality is our own pearl clutching uptightness and if we were blank slates we'd be up for it with any man at any time bears no resemblance to reality. Women's sexual experiences are shaped by the knowledge that we inhabit a materially weaker and vulnerable body in a world where misogyny and VAWG is common place not because we're all sexually repressed.

brunettemic · 15/04/2025 13:21

Define “pervy” I guess. Having anal sex isn’t pervy, nor is making that joke.

HuffleMyPuffle · 15/04/2025 13:56

Being able to get sex whenever and being concerned about sex whenever is not the same thing

Women could, if they didn't worry about men being violent etc, access sex at lot more readily than men

Female swingers, for example, are able to be much pickier

User135644 · 15/04/2025 14:57

Sodthesystem · 15/04/2025 12:18

That's not true though. It's what the incel lot think. But it's bullshit.

Women have to consider safety so no, they can't get sex easily. Not unless they are willing to risk assault.

Plus they also have to fancy the person. I dunno about you but if I take a look on online dating I maybe think 25% might suit me. Say half like me back and half of those make it from talking to meeting stage. And of that 7percent or so, maybe 1 in 3 I'm into and is into me back enough for a shag (probably more like 1 in 8 tbh as for me there would need to be mad chemistry). And to even get to that point it's been months of trawling through potential suiters, a week or so of talking to this guy.

And maybe people also have other things like needing to find a babysitter or book a hotel or get waxed etc...

So no it's not easier for women to get sex. Even just sex.

Unless you mean drunk teenage women in nightclubs who may be more inclined to take mad risks just as it's portrayed as the normal to do so in university years.

Edited

Of course the woman would have to be mad or careless but look at Bonnie Blue or Lily Phillips. They can get hundreds of men lined round the block to have sex with her, even one after another.