To hate the term “Passed away”?

[ALovelyShadeofMauve]

Or even worse, simply “Passed”?

I understand people sometimes don’t want to be too blunt around the subject of death. But I’m not suggesting we say “Sorry, Granny’s kicked the bucket/turned up her toes/cashed in her chips” instead. Why can’t we just be honest and factual and use the word “died”?

I find “passed away” or “passed” quite cringey and performative. It seems to imply something peaceful and ethereal; as if it’s just one door closing and another opening as part of the beautiful cycle of life, where we’ll all be reunited in the next world, and that bodies are just vessels for our spiritual energy and so on… Fine if you believe that, but for a lot of us, when you’re dead, that’s it. We don’t need it soft-soaping.

I don’t mind it so much when it’s someone very elderly who has had a genuinely peaceful death. But I’ve seen it used more and more often recently when people have not only died very young, but also in terrible accidents or by suicide. That is not “passing away” - that is a tragedy, possibly involving a lot of suffering, and/or mental pain beforehand. Why try to make out it was all part of the natural circle of life?

Am I just being an old moaner who should let people use whatever expression brings them comfort? Or is it offensive to act like a sudden, painful death is no different to quietly going in your sleep at 95?

How is it “gossipy” to reference a thread on this very forum on the very subject we’re discussing?

I don't mind any term apart from one. The only thing I really dislike is newspapers having a headline 'insert famous person DEAD at insert age. It just comes across as very brutal. Probably why they do it though.

Yes, they overdramatise headlines to grab the reader's attention; sadly even in death, they show no boundaries.

My mum detested this term too and, when she knew she was dying, made me promise to ensure no one referred to her at her funeral as having 'passed.'
Cue: me having to get my brother to change the wording in his eulogy, which he was NOT happy about.

"Passed away" was the polite term when I was growing up, in the 1960s. "Passed" is just the US version, and does sound a bit namby-pamby to me. But in a different verb form it's also used in UK English; the media have been saying things like "With the King's passing, the new Elizabethan era has begun" for many decades.

In any case, it's just a euphemism. All euphemisms eventually become the "unacceptable" word that they replace. Another example: Many Brits laugh at the idea of Americans asking for the "bathroom" as if they're going to have a bath, but "toilet", "lavatory", and the ex-Empire "washroom" (totally standard still in both Canada and India) all mean "place to wash", as does the Spanish semi-official term "aseo" - Spanish people who need the loo in a restaurant will ask for "el baño", the bath. My Mum and Dad referred to the downstairs loo as "the cloakroom", although to be fair we did also hang our coats in there.

Doesn't bother me @ALovelyShadeofMauve 'Passed' is annoying though I agree. YANBU to find it annoying as that is your right. I wouldn't say anything to anyone who said it though if I were you. (JMO.)

My least fave one - that really narks me off - is 'unalived.' Who the fuck invented THAT one?! Sounds ludicrous!!!!!

"Passed away" is a more gentle way of saying that someone has died. Used to express sympathy or to make the conversation feel less harsh. Historically it was based around the idea of death being a transition to an afterlife it has nothing to do with whether it was a peaceful or traumatic death.

The word "died" is direct and factual but, many prefer "passed away" because it sounds less abrupt and they feel they are being more comforting to the bereaved.

It depends on personal preference. Some people appreciate the gentler wording, while others prefer to be straightforward. Neither are wrong.

Criticising what word others are comfortable saying is.

I wouldn't say anything to anyone who said it though if I were you. (JMO.)

Oh, absolutely - I wouldn’t say it.

I agree I don't like passed away, similarly I don't like 'sorry for your loss' but that's me and people are obviously different. We don't talk about death, it's a normal part of life that none can avoid but don't like to talk about. Perhaps if it was talked about it more less people would be afraid and platitudes like sorry for your loss would be no more.

Hate the term "rainbow bridge" as well
i know its used more for pets - I still think its vile

Death is hard for some people to deal with. If saying "passed away," or whatever euphemism they choose, makes is a little easier, I don't think it's my place to criticize. I work in the legal field and my agency uses "expired."

When my baby twin boys died at birth 16 months ago , I couldn't say "died" "dead" for ages. I kept saying "couldn't stay" it was easier than accepting they were in a grave and not coming back. Whatever people need to get them through is ok with me.

I think it can vary a lot as to what is appropriate. For me I would always say "passed away".

For example: If I saw somebody in the supermarket I hadn't seen for a while, made small talk and said "Hi! How are you etc.etc. and then made the mistake of asking "how's your mum getting on?" and the reply was an abrupt "she died" I would feel absolutely awful and wouldn't know what to say.

If the reply was "she sadly passed away in September" - then I can sympathise, apologise, kick myself internally for asking the question, but nobody leaves that conversation feeling awful.

That's my view anyway.

That's from that poem though. And it shouldn't be more for pets, it's only for pets.

I'd never use passed away unless I knew the person I was talking too would prefer it.

This has got me thinking and I'm inclined to agree that 'passed away', 'lost' etc doesn't seem right although I'd actually never considered it before, so thanks for that. Also agree with the need to be more at one with death in this country, talk about it more openly, make it more visible and normal. 'Died' is accurate and I don't think it's anything to be frightened of or avoided as a word.

That is ridiculous.

I couldn't imagine saying 'my parents have passed away' it sounds really pretentious to my ears. 'My dad died a few years ago' sounds like what a rational person would say to me. If someone said their sister had passed I'd be wondering what exam they'd taken.

Quite agree.

Op yanbu. "Passed away" and worst, "passed" ,are cringy euphemisms for "dead" or "died". Makes my teeth itch.

I don’t care what words people use to describe their own loss. Entirely their choice.

If someone said their sister had passed I'd be wondering what exam they'd taken.
Hmm, I'm sure you wouldn't be such a silly sausage.
I find it really annoying when people act like they don't get something, because they disagree with it.

There was a thread on here "My son has passed" referring to the son having passed an important exam, and posters did indeed think from the title it was about a deceased son; MNHQ had to change the title.

Here is the thread with its revised title; if you read the OP's posts it shows what happened originally.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5273712-ds-passed-his-policing-degree

Can you imagine if the news bulletins (or the palace) had announced ‘the Queen has passed away’ instead of ‘died’? It would’ve been met with derision.