To hate the term “Passed away”?

[ALovelyShadeofMauve]

Or even worse, simply “Passed”?

I understand people sometimes don’t want to be too blunt around the subject of death. But I’m not suggesting we say “Sorry, Granny’s kicked the bucket/turned up her toes/cashed in her chips” instead. Why can’t we just be honest and factual and use the word “died”?

I find “passed away” or “passed” quite cringey and performative. It seems to imply something peaceful and ethereal; as if it’s just one door closing and another opening as part of the beautiful cycle of life, where we’ll all be reunited in the next world, and that bodies are just vessels for our spiritual energy and so on… Fine if you believe that, but for a lot of us, when you’re dead, that’s it. We don’t need it soft-soaping.

I don’t mind it so much when it’s someone very elderly who has had a genuinely peaceful death. But I’ve seen it used more and more often recently when people have not only died very young, but also in terrible accidents or by suicide. That is not “passing away” - that is a tragedy, possibly involving a lot of suffering, and/or mental pain beforehand. Why try to make out it was all part of the natural circle of life?

Am I just being an old moaner who should let people use whatever expression brings them comfort? Or is it offensive to act like a sudden, painful death is no different to quietly going in your sleep at 95?

I'm having it on my headstone...
I died
I was not lost
I have not passed
I have not passed away
I may have died while asleep, but I did not fall asleep
I am not over any rainbow/bridge
I am dead

TizerorFizz · Yesterday 08:33
"You also hear many "words" used completely wrongly or even made up ones with additional endings inserted. I just tend to think the speaker is trying to sound intelligent but they actually sound poorly educated. I've just queried my DD who's now 32 using the word "diarise". I've been diarised! Yuk!"

umm nope sorry again

https://www.etymonline.com/word/diarize#:~:text=diarize%20(v.),also%20from%201803

That's because filters on places like YouTube and Instagram have become ridiculous. There's loads of porn bots and I saw someone who used the 'MAP' (peodophile*) pride flag (there is such a thing) as their profile picture but humans cannot use perfectly normal words. Murder, suicide, killed, dead, rape etc get flagged up, as do swear words, and get your comment deleted. (Mine get deleted no matter what, think I'm on a list somewhere.)

*The spell checker on my tablet won't even recognise that and it's set to British English. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I am so sorry.

A relative who works in A and E recently had a complaint made about them because they had to tell a family that a relative had died.
It was the use of the word "died" that the family objected to, they felt it was too harsh and that "passed away" should have been used to soften the blow.
I've been on NHS training (admittedly 2 decades ago) where we were told that "died" is the proper word to use as it helps people to recognise and process the finality of the situation.
There are only two certainties in life, we are born and we die. I personally think that we need to be more open about death, draping it on other words to sanitise it and pretend it hasn't happened is fine for individuals but I think the NHS needs to stick to using the factual term "died".

@godmum56
How superior you are. Are you the Rees Mogg of English? Most of us don’t now use words occasionally used in the 19th century. Did Samuel Pepys diarise events? It’s just awful. He wrote a diary.

When my parents died, I told people this. Although I understood, I found that receiving condolences that used expressions like passing or passed away irritating, like my choice of how to describe the deaths of my parents was somehow being corrected. I’m sure they didn’t mean it, and would have probably been appalled that my reaction was this, and I even annoyed myself at my reaction to be honest but I couldn’t help it. I do think it’s important to take a lead from the way the bereaved person describes what has happened.

I know enough to know that "diarise" is a real word!

I’m not saying it’s not used but it grates. That’s the point. I prefer the term “it’s in my diary”.

I've kept a journal for decades. My ex asked me "are you diarising?" when he saw me writing in it. No I was journalling. Diarising is putting something in a diary for future reference or a future event isn't it!

I wonder if preferring to use 'died' is an age thing? I'm in my 50s and hate the use of 'passed' or 'passed on' or 'passed away'. However I also hate 'sadly died' especially when related to the death of someone in their 80s/90s or for someone who has been ill for a very long time.

@Zenana. So after 350 years Samuel Pepys now wrote a Journal! Who knew? He wrote a diary. A chronological account of events. A diary is also a day by day book for appointments. They are both called diaries in the uk. A journal is similar but might not be a day by day account. It can be a series of disjointed or topic notes but not day by day. If you put an event in your diary for a future date, you simply “put it in the diary”. Pretty straightforward really.

My parents’ joint age was 196 when they died. It was desperately sad for me. Would you prefer merrily or happily died?

YANBU

It's as bad as 'slept with...' 🤮

@Blossomtoes please accept my apologies for being so insensitive - I am blessed to still have both my parents.

however my paternal grandmother died aged 99 after struggling with having to spend her final 5 years in a home that she hated as she kept falling over and had dementia . She was ‘dying today’ for about two weeks so her death was not sad to any of us xx that’s all I based my now obviously insensitive comment on xx

Thank you for the apology.💐 Most deaths are sad for someone.

I worked in a Hospice for years alongside palliative Dr's and nurses.
The only accepted terminology was 'died'.
Anyone heard saying "passed away" or "passed" was taken off the unit and given extra training.

I acknowledge that people in general can use whatever terminology makes things easier to bear.

In all honesty if someone told me he/she “didn’t make it”, I’m not sure what else that could mean.

I don't think you're insensitive though people will be triggered and that's a personal thing. No need for "merrily died" or similar of course. Just died will do. Sadly died is the same as passed away IMO. We all see things differently. I know you didn't mean any harm and we can't be expected to know the ins and outs of every poster's personal situation.

You are absolutely right, @colinthedogfromaccounts.

Do you not think k people should use the term they want to use, and that you are a bit narcissistic in thinking your preferences are in any way relevant?

But it is sad though for their relatives i kind of understand what you mean when the HRM the Queen died at 96 and the BBc kept reporting about her tragic death as sad as. it was for her relatives it was a far from tragic death
However i have recently lost my mum at 82 and we can acknowledge she had a good life but its still sad for her nearest relatives .