To hate the term “Passed away”?

[ALovelyShadeofMauve]

Or even worse, simply “Passed”?

I understand people sometimes don’t want to be too blunt around the subject of death. But I’m not suggesting we say “Sorry, Granny’s kicked the bucket/turned up her toes/cashed in her chips” instead. Why can’t we just be honest and factual and use the word “died”?

I find “passed away” or “passed” quite cringey and performative. It seems to imply something peaceful and ethereal; as if it’s just one door closing and another opening as part of the beautiful cycle of life, where we’ll all be reunited in the next world, and that bodies are just vessels for our spiritual energy and so on… Fine if you believe that, but for a lot of us, when you’re dead, that’s it. We don’t need it soft-soaping.

I don’t mind it so much when it’s someone very elderly who has had a genuinely peaceful death. But I’ve seen it used more and more often recently when people have not only died very young, but also in terrible accidents or by suicide. That is not “passing away” - that is a tragedy, possibly involving a lot of suffering, and/or mental pain beforehand. Why try to make out it was all part of the natural circle of life?

Am I just being an old moaner who should let people use whatever expression brings them comfort? Or is it offensive to act like a sudden, painful death is no different to quietly going in your sleep at 95?

No issue with passed away. Huge issue with "passed" on its own. Presumably an American phrase?

So the language someone chooses to communicate what might be extremely painful for them annoys you.

😐😑😐😑😐

"Loved one(s)" also annoys me intensely. I don't know why, but I think it's part of the sentimental language which has crept into public broadcasting. I much prefer news bulletins to be clear and free from any of these lower-middle, mimsy phrases.

People don’t know wtf to say so most things just come tumbling out of their mouths. There’s no correct or incorrect way to try to convey your condolences. It’s just small talk and you move on.

I’m not keen either.

We recently had to have our young cat put to sleep (that’s not a great phrase either!)

The receptionist at the vet phoned me to let me know her ashes were back and her words were “hi lovey just ringing to let you know that she’s back with us” wtf?!! It makes it sound like she’s come back to life!!

Yes, you are being an old moaner who should let people use whatever expression brings them comfort. It makes me cringe, too. I also feel the same about battles with cancer, etc - they're calling the deceased a loser!

But, meh, it's wrong to correct other people's choice of terms. I object to being told which pronouns to use. By the same token, I'd be objectionable to tell them they meant 'died'.

But, meh, it's wrong to correct other people's choice of terms. I object to being told which pronouns to use. By the same token, I'd be objectionable to tell them they meant 'died'.

I doubt the OP is actually planning to match up to the bereaved and tell them!

We should used the word 'died' to children at least , yes. It gets them used to the idea that dying happens to all at some point.

My childrens great nanny died when they were around 4/5 and I just told them sensitively that nanny had died, because she was old. Didn't we have some great times with her ? Etc etc. they took it brilliantly. I think you must keep it simple and factual as necessary.

I've heard horror stories of people tying themselves into a pretzel to concoct an elaborate story of how grandad has taken a train to heaven etc etc full of magic and allure, which in my opinion actually harms their resilience in life. It isn't magical. But dying doesn't have to mean permanent sadness. In time acceptance comes and the funny stories and lovely memories can surface and be talked over occasionally. Then you must concentrate on the future generations. And so the cycle of life continues. It's harsh but it is life. People cannot live forever.

So my point being is yes I agree, death should not be a dirty word. It's natural and factual.

Obviously - respect to those who have lost a loved one where they haven't been old or from natural causes.

I just think it's lazy American language that's been adopted. We have humans. Not human beings. We have "to medal" . It used to be to win a medal. A medal is a noun. It's annoying. Yes people can say it but I switch off from it. It's not a change to English that communicates well. We just think someone passed a ball. Communication is saying something others understand, and respect, or why bother? Happily I passed my driving test.

You just sent my brain down an entertaining side road, @TizerorFizz:

How did Sam get on in his exam?
He passed!
Oh, no, how terrible, I'm sorry.

I was calling for help, but people just passed by me.
My god, what happened to them?!

She was invited, but passed.
Condolences to her loved ones.

... 😄

Whatever you think about the terminology, passing judgement on the words used by the recently bereaved is much worse.

The first record of medal being used as a verb was in a letter written by Byron in 1822.

I don't mind "passed away" but I really hate "passed".

I know it can be difficult for people talking about the death of a loved one, and I'd be the last person to tell them how to grieve. I can't help my dislike, and would never judge or be unkind to anyone who is grieving. Sometimes I hear it used when there was no significant relationship with the person who died. I just find it irritating.

I was quite surprised to learn that "starring" is from the same period.

I agree. It's also very difficult when people use language around sleeping with children (born sleeping, forever sleeping).

It's supposed to be gentle but can be terrifying to a child.

@BogRollBOGOF

Britain is very squeamish about end of life and death. It's a process that we will all go through. Clear language is a healthy thing.

Hear, Hear. 👏

I can think of a very long list of related verbs and nouns. They must have given birth to one another at some point. I feel that to medal (although I confess it jars for me too) is just one of the latest. The one I really don't like is to burglarise. But I accept it's just how English works. I think we all baulk at the new, and then it settles.

@steff13 So a Byron was a sports participant and commentator then? It was not used by anyone until relatively recently and was considered a noun. 200 years ago all sorts of words were in use. Many we would never dream of using now.

Why we cannot used "died" is bizarre. My DD at 9 years old found my address book and crossed out her grandmother's name snd inserted "she has died". I was a little surprised but it's accurate. We all know what the word means. Communication is best served by clarity.

@faffadoodledo You also hear many "words" used completely wrongly or even made up ones with additional endings inserted. I just tend to think the speaker is trying to sound intelligent but they actually sound poorly educated. I've just queried my DD who's now 32 using the word "diarise". I've been diarised! Yuk!

What about the examples of news articles using it though? Surely the media doesn’t have to pretend someone who died in terrible circumstances simply slipped away?

'That is not "passing away" - that is a tragedy, possibly involving a lot of suffering, and/or mental pain beforehand. Why try to make out it was all part of the natural circle of life?

So would you rather someone suddenly say to you "Your/their 'family member/friend' ,for example, has dropped dead in the street?
Or "Sarah next door got hit and flattened by a bus, and was trapped under it screaming for ten minutes, and she's now dead"?
Don't you see how abrupt and shocking those words are?

People tend to use 'passed away' as a way to soften the blow when letting others know that someone has died. Obviously, the WAY in which the person has died would then be told more factually afterwards. (That's if people wish to disclose those facts)

Everyone KNOWS that people die in all sorts of circumstances, some people go peacefully and others tragically. We're not stupid.

I think I'd have to be pretty dumb if someone tells me "so and so has sadly passed away", and I immediately believe the person has died a very peaceful death. But I believe it's a far more respectful and less shocking way to deliver news of a death.

You're being extremely judgemental, and I'm amazed that you have such an issue with people not wanting to be so blunt.

I wouldn't put it past some of the posters on this thread. I can't believe that anyone thinks they have the right to police the language of someone who is grieving. Another eye opening MN thread...

Sigh. The bereaved are not a minority group. They are us all. Having people we love die on us is the human condition. We all get to decide what language we use because it’s a profoundly painful situation, yes, but it’s one that is experienced by literally everyone.

No one has suggested bobbing up at a funeral and saying ‘I’m going to have to correct you there, Angela - your mother didn’t ‘pass’, she DIED. Got that?’

Precisely. My reaction to the use of euphemism is a mental eye roll. I’m not going to openly criticise.

I never liked the phrase passed away but when my husband died I found myself using it to tell his family and friends. For their sake it just sounded too stark to say dead. Now some time has passed I have reverted to saying things like “ When xxx died” or “before xxx died”. I think people should be free to say whatever they want, we know what they mean but sometimes we have to be aware of other people’s feelings.