To hate the term “Passed away”?

[ALovelyShadeofMauve]

Or even worse, simply “Passed”?

I understand people sometimes don’t want to be too blunt around the subject of death. But I’m not suggesting we say “Sorry, Granny’s kicked the bucket/turned up her toes/cashed in her chips” instead. Why can’t we just be honest and factual and use the word “died”?

I find “passed away” or “passed” quite cringey and performative. It seems to imply something peaceful and ethereal; as if it’s just one door closing and another opening as part of the beautiful cycle of life, where we’ll all be reunited in the next world, and that bodies are just vessels for our spiritual energy and so on… Fine if you believe that, but for a lot of us, when you’re dead, that’s it. We don’t need it soft-soaping.

I don’t mind it so much when it’s someone very elderly who has had a genuinely peaceful death. But I’ve seen it used more and more often recently when people have not only died very young, but also in terrible accidents or by suicide. That is not “passing away” - that is a tragedy, possibly involving a lot of suffering, and/or mental pain beforehand. Why try to make out it was all part of the natural circle of life?

Am I just being an old moaner who should let people use whatever expression brings them comfort? Or is it offensive to act like a sudden, painful death is no different to quietly going in your sleep at 95?

You have summed up exactly why I would not judge someone for their choice of language at such a painful time, @NotTheDebtDoctorWithTheHungryScalpel.

I do think expressing your condolences is a high stakes business. You really want to do it, your intentions are sincere but you don't always know what kind of reaction you are going to get because grieving people are a bit unpredictable and the smallest thing can cause offence. Often I think the reaction you get is more about how they feel about you rather than what you say. So you can't blame people for trying to play it safe.

'Passed away' is fine. On the other hand, 'passed' is cringeworthy and sounds all wrong.

Passed what - their driving test?

"Died" or "passed away" are both fine with me, though I would tend to say died. I can't get wound up over it.

I agree and it’s not something I have said. I’m not particularly bothered what other people say though.

I do dislike RIP, it seems a bit disrespectful. But I don’t use any sort of text speak. And I know RIP has been around a lot longer than text speak.

My son died.

I say he died. I don't like passed away.

However my husband does use 'passed away'. That is comfortable for him.

Neither of us are wrong.

I disagree with it being a minefield though. Honestly, I've never been offended by anything anyone has said to me and nothing can make the situation worse than it already is.

I think people either use it as an excuse to avoid it altogether, or are more worried about their own feelings around getting it right or saying the perfect thing.

You're not the main character. So if you use language the grieving person would rather you didn't, it doesn't even touch the sides.

Battling cancer though, yeah don't do that.

I really, really hate it when people are grief vultures

Did you see the thread earlier this week from the poster trying to make her ex-husband’s second wife’s death all about her? It was bizarre!

It always makes me think of passed wind. I hate it. But if it softens the blow for some people...

Each person gets to describe death in their own way. some days I can say died and other days it just is too much and I say passed away. A good friend was killed in a car crash she died I have no problem with that, my mother slipped peacefully out of this world and that feels to me better saying passed away.

Stop judging other people on how they deal with process death, you are not superior becuase you prefer the word died.

It’s bollocks. If someone was bereaved and chose to use a euphemism, I’d do the same and take their cue.

Don’t assume it’s not equally offensive to choose to use a euphemism if I have used the actual term ‘died’. It’s utterly ludicrous to think I’m being insensitive because I hate flowery language over death. That’s my call and should be respected equally.

This happened, and is still happening now, around Caroline Flack.

I'm fine with it. Even from a non-spiritual perspective it works (sort of) as a description of passing from one state to another. We don't turn into nothing when we die, our atoms are still around.

Very unpleasant and inappropriate of you. In fact, I'm really not sure I actually believe that you would laugh at someone in this situation. Surely nobody is that lacking in empathy!!

Because it's softer to say "passed away" rather than died. Sometimes it's too difficult to say someone has died as it's just so painful.

Agree, I often say ... months since I lost my Dad.

People have to use what they are comfortable with. I once said in a message that it 'would have been his birthday today' and one friend said 'it will always be his birthday'. Seemed a bit pedantic and it really just illustrates a different approach/way of putting things.

Wanting to laugh at someone who is bereaved isn't great. Why do that?

There's a really unpleasant, gossipy tone to this thread.

I think passed is 'american'

I don't like this term either. Sounds rather twee. But what I dislike even more is the trend lately for saying someone has 'passed'. Makes it sound like they just taken an exam or their driving test!

Well I use the term passed away and have done so in recent comments on other threads. I find this term easier to say, why I am not sure, I just do.

My close family members who are no longer with us, did suffer towards the end of life and I know when talking about them they would want me to use the term that sits comfortable with me. If someone is not happy with that then unfortunately, I am not going to change my terminology because someone doesn't happen to like it or is offended by it.

There is also a cultural element to it. People who grew up in particular regions of UK, or from particular religious backgrounds, or from different nationalities, all have typical ways of expressing how someone has died.

I don't mind 'passed away'. I don't like 'passed'; it sounds too much like passing an exam. If it's someone who's recently been bereaved, I won't police their language, though. And if it's someone talking about a relative of mine who has died, it's more important that they don't get in-my-face and intrusive about it, than exactly what words they use.

I haven’t read through all the posts but it comes from being unable to accept that we die. It’s easier to say passed away, it’s softer and less final. No we die, we don’t exist. We don’t float on clouds, playing harps. I think if people accepted we actually cease to exist they might not waste what little time they have.

I did say I did laugh, but it always reminds me of what my friend, who had misunderstood said, yes I am empathic with people who have have had someone die, but I do find I've lost.. whoever a strange thing to say

I mirror the words the bereaved person uses to me.

However I personally prefer Passed away or passed to. Dead died. Unlike another poster for me having to hear the word dead/dies brings back the horrible memories of MILs sickness how she became a shell of the vibrant loving mother mil and grandma she was. I dont want to remember that. I want to remember carrot sticks, offering of almost anything in the house, endless love and her utter inability to cook.. not how she looked that last year. Mil had faith she would have preferred passed on as she would have believed she would to go heaven.

I find it very judgey when I see posts like the ops. And as I said we do not have that right. Allow people to express their grief how they need to. Mirror their choice of words and put your own preferences aside. This is not about you ita about that person's grief. Even if this is a sibling that prefers different to you. Use your word when you speak for yourself and theirs when to them. Respect each other.

And now I'm going to go seek the post about signs after a loved one had passed on to make myself feel better. (And yes I get the irony)