To hate the term “Passed away”?

[ALovelyShadeofMauve]

Or even worse, simply “Passed”?

I understand people sometimes don’t want to be too blunt around the subject of death. But I’m not suggesting we say “Sorry, Granny’s kicked the bucket/turned up her toes/cashed in her chips” instead. Why can’t we just be honest and factual and use the word “died”?

I find “passed away” or “passed” quite cringey and performative. It seems to imply something peaceful and ethereal; as if it’s just one door closing and another opening as part of the beautiful cycle of life, where we’ll all be reunited in the next world, and that bodies are just vessels for our spiritual energy and so on… Fine if you believe that, but for a lot of us, when you’re dead, that’s it. We don’t need it soft-soaping.

I don’t mind it so much when it’s someone very elderly who has had a genuinely peaceful death. But I’ve seen it used more and more often recently when people have not only died very young, but also in terrible accidents or by suicide. That is not “passing away” - that is a tragedy, possibly involving a lot of suffering, and/or mental pain beforehand. Why try to make out it was all part of the natural circle of life?

Am I just being an old moaner who should let people use whatever expression brings them comfort? Or is it offensive to act like a sudden, painful death is no different to quietly going in your sleep at 95?

I prefer the term died. Although since my Dad died I've been careful to not use the word died when talking about other things that have stopped working. My dc didn't understand why we couldn't just replace their grandad's batteries or buy a new grandad from the shops.

I'm not sure what your problem is, I'm saying we should be able to use the language we want to but in each case the grieving person gets to decide. The fact that I couldn't say my Dad died doesn't affect anyone else and they can roll their eyes as much as they want. At that point it was my grief and I handled it in the best way I could.

I remember years ago, one of DH's friends was in a serious accident, pedestrian V truck. DH went to visit him in hospital. (This was in the early days of mobile phones when communicating by IM wasn't really a thing).
The following weekend DH went back to visit his friend again only to find he wasn't in the ward where he had been. On questioning a nurse, DH was told "I'm sorry but Mr A is no longer with us". DH's face must have said it all, when the nurse quickly realised what she'd said and clarified that Mr A had in fact been transferred to a hospital nearer to his home. Prime example of making sure that the language you use should be clear.

Sigh. The bereaved are not a minority group.

I'm sure the pp is aware of that. Sighing and rolling your eyes over other people's wording is a waste of time though. People deal with it in their own way,

No. He was referring to a military medal, I believe. This is from The Guardian:

So is "medalling" just another example of the way our beautiful language is being dragged to hell in a transatlantic handcart?

Well, not quite. As a letter writer to this page has pointed out, the OED lists examples of using "medal" as a verb as long ago as Byron, in 1822: "He was medalled." And this is Thackeray, writing in the mid-19th century: "He went home medalled by the King." The OED gives these two quotations in support of its first definition of "medal" as a verb: "to decorate or honour with a medal; to confer a medal upon as a mark of distinction."

I get that you all want to blame Americans for everything you don't like, but it's not always accurate.

@steff13 So who started using "to medal" in sport more recently? Not necessarily saying it's American but it was never said 40 years ago. Back then it meant interfere with. No one remotely cares about a poet 200 years ago.

Umm no, that's "meddle"

I just tend to think none of us are perfect. Viz medal/meddle.
I use words professionally as a journalist, or did. I'm retired now. But I thank goodness for editors and proofreaders who swept up behind my sometimes messy or rushed grammar and spelling.

Me too. I really hate it.

Exactly this. There are some really mean-spirited, rude, and frankly nasty posts on this thread. How DARE people pass judgment on someone who is trying to deal with the death of a loved one, by saying their way of describing the death/passing, is naff, wrong, silly etc! One poster even said the term 'Loved One' is ridiculous. FGS.

Many people say 'passed away' or 'passed on' because it's so much easier to deal with the death of a LOVED ONE that way. Saying they are DEAD is so final. And some believe people don't die they just go to a different place, maybe an even a better place. So they have passed on to that other place.

If anyone said anything negative to me (in real life) about my terminology, they'd get a short shrift from me, then I'd give them a wide berth thereafter!

My dad passed away the day before yesterday. I'm finding it much easier to say he passed away than just 'he's dead'. It feels too raw right now, it's a small comfort.

I'm sorry that offends you.

Thank you for your post, it's good to know some people do understand.

I think the thing is to take the lead from the person who’s been bereaved. If I told you my dad had died (my choice), please don’t say ‘passed away’ in any message of condolence. I’d find that patronising and offensive.

If I were the type to say he’d ’passed away’, you can use similar language and assume I’d not like ‘dead’ or ‘died’ for some reason.

I agree. What's wrong with saying they died

Try reading the thread, a few of us have explained that it’s too hard to say ‘they died’ or ‘they are dead’. Is it really so hard to understand?

I feel the same. I always use died of talking about someone I know/ my family etc. I think people are relieved when you just say it, Or it reinforces fear

My DH is dead. But that's sounds rather hard. I don't like 'passed away' but it seems more acceptable. Or I say I'm a widow which avoids it. I do say 'DH died several years ago'.

I’m with you, OP.

I find the expression offensive, because it minimises the truth. No, my loved one has not passed anything. They died. Don’t try to soften it. How dare you.

Spot on with this. I don't like the term passed or lost or passed away. I prefer died or dead, but what this thread is clearly showing is that we should approach each interaction with sensitivity and follow the lead of the bereaved person. Seems so simple but I never thought of it this way. Thanks @TheMorels great advice.

Pp are talking about what they prefer when they are bereaved.

Use whatever term you want to and let others do the same. You don’t have to like it, you just have to accept it.

YANBU and I feel the same. I would never actually criticise someone for it but I model saying "died," and I've told my family that my main wish for when I die is that when they let people know, they say "died."

So am I.

That's fine, no one's choice of words is right or wrong. People should always be led by the bereaved person no matter what their feelings.

Some folk are very odd...
Using 'lost' is to me, worse than passed/passed away.
Sound very careless "we lost mum last year..."