Mortified over 40th wwyd?

[dappledeverglade]

NC for this.

I have a friendship group (8 of us originally) dropped to 6 lately with a few others moving away. We have been good friends for 10 yrs plus, kids were all in primary school together. The dc have gone their separate ways at secondary level, but the friendship has remained as strong as ever. We see each other regularly, and I considered them good friends.

My dhs business isn’t doing very well, and my hours have been reduced, and as a result we’ve had to really rein in our expenses.

My friends have done some great things for their 40ths and I’m the last. I booked a a morning craft class and we will make and take away the finished product, followed by a lunch in a restaurant that is one of the nicest in the area. I had planned to decorate it really nicely. Dh will cover the cost as part of my present. We will also go on holiday with dc in the summer, to a place that has historical significance and is part of my ancestry.

I sent a message to the group with the details last week, and friend A lets call her Joan said sounds great but this is your 40th let’s organise something better, and suggested a girls weekend away. Friend B agreed. Friend C chips in it is a 40th after alll. And so on. They have all now organised the place, the dates and are now looking at flight times.

I don’t want to go. I really can’t afford to go. The wknd isn’t even something I would like to do. It’s really mortifying that they think my idea is so bad it needs to be replaced by a new plan.

I don’t even know what to say and wish I could just cancel now. I am crying now, aware I haven’t replied for ages. I want to call it off. My dh feels awful and embarrassed. Wwyd?

Just say
Thanks girls really appreciate it but it's not for me x

I'd completely rethink your plan of paying for anything for these ingrates.

Fwiw your plans sound like my ideal 40th treat! I hope you get sorted

Did they pay all of your costs for their birthdays, OP? I'd like to think I would understand if my friend was a bit skint at the moment and wouldn't even let her pay for my experience/meal on her 40th.

Joan's a wanker, it goes without saying. It sounds like she's been planting the seed of a girl weekend away for a while and is (if we were being very generous here) using your occasion as the excuse to go ahead and do it. I hope your friends come back and realise how lacking in self-awareness they have been.

Screw it if Joan comes back for a moan. Cutting her off due to her cuntiness would be a win in the long-term.

These are your friends if you can't be honest with them then they are not good friends. Nip it in the bud with some honestly. Money is tight just now with the cost of living crisis/my reduced hours and we can't commit to it.

I had to do the same last year when everyone wanted to do a big family holiday (20+ of us!) and say sorry I can't this year as we have committed to X, Y and Z already and we simply don't have the money for it this year. Maybe in the future if you do it again.

Although must admit a morning craft class and lunch wouldn't be my or my friends cup of tea, it sounds more like a kids party than a 40th celebration! But if it is the type of thing your group usually enjoys go for it!

Woukd anyone feel sad if you suggested an idea of what you would like to do, and it was instantly changed?

To me, they have been rude and dismissive. Dh is very laid back but he doesn’t think it was a decision made for my benefit due to the chosen destination ( putting aside the money issues ) Surely they could have asked me where I’d like to go, or if I wanted to go at all.

Ugh. This would really put me off the whole bunch. Waiting for Joan's instructions? Ridiculous and offensive.

Yes I would be heartbroken x

Agreed. Awful. They should be clamouring to reassure you.

"I don’t want to make them sit through my lunch and crafts if they think it is going to be boring to them. I know it’s not amazing or exciting but it felt reasonable to me"

Op in the kindest way know your worth and yes, make them! I have lost count of the number of times I've been on nights out to places I wouldn't choose or doing things I wouldn't have picked because it was something my friends wanted to do. So on YOUR birthday, yes they absolutely can suck it up and do the craft and dinner even if it's not what they would have chosen because guess what - it works both ways. If they're decent friends they'll go and they'll make the best of it. If they don't then I'd be thinking carefully about how much effort you make for them.

I think what you've planned sounds lovely and really the only thing that should matter here is that it's what you want to do. Don't be mortified be strong.

Yes I’d be gutted. More so the realisation that these folk are not friends. Sorry OP.

both sides a bit unreasonable.

YOU should have said "no can't do" from the start instead of letting it escalate. The longer it's left, the worst.

Other side getting carried away? Sounds like they meant well. It probably didn't cross their head you couldn't afford it.

Yes, it's a bit rude to jump and cancel your original plans, she should have ASKED. But the group happy to celebrate in style your birthday, it's a nice thing.

They are probably mortified if you can't afford it, it's your birthday after all. Apart from offering to pay for you, which they might not be able to, they're a bit stuck.

You should've said that it's not something you want to do rather than say you can't afford it. They are possibly now discussing that they'll pay for you so if you really don't want to go because it's not your thing, then you need to say that too

I'm crap at craft but would happily do this is if it's what my friend wanted. I think you need to be honest and mention budget, or they'll probably just keep pushing.

Honestly, I would love to do a craft morning and a lunch - sounds right up my street. I would hate to be friends with Joan

I don’t want to make them or force anyone. The whole thing feels really tainted now. Even if I go with my idea and everyone comes, I am going to be really conscious that they are being ‘forced’ and tbh it’s going to be enough money for me to feel really sad.

Ps I think most likely they're seeing an opportunity for a jolly and are pushing for what they want.

Of course - anyone would feel sad, that's what we're all saying!

They're rude as fuck. What's up op, why are you still questioning if you're wrong to feel sad?

As an aside, a crafty place near me does a knit and knatter evening and a sewing club. Maybe you could look into something like that and make some new more likeminded friends?

Absolutely!

Joan thinks what she wants to do for your birthday is somehow more important/worthwhile etc than what you do. For your own birthday!

And if you decided to uninvite them, it wouldn't be unfair.

For those saying they wouldn’t want to do the craft class, this is a best friends birthday, someone you’ve known for years. I’d do anything they wanted for their birthday. And I have yet to go to a friends birthday where they have paid for everything, it sounds like you’d planned a very generous day op, don’t get pushed into something you don’t want to do or can’t afford. If they come back and say they don’t want to do your plans, count yourself lucky you’ve found out what sort of ‘friends’ they are and use the money to have a lovely birthday with your family.

I think this is the real reason/problem.

And also they will be hurt because they spent ages planning a holiday for you to celebrate your birthday and now you've rejected it and they won't understand why.

So even though they hurt you first it was accidental and they wanted to make you feel special and have a good time and a memorable 40th, they just went about it wrong. The intention was good I think, rather than rude/dismissive.

If they all chipped in a bit as a birthday present to you and you also used the money you'd set aside for the craft class and lunch, which surely must amount to at least a few hundred quid, you could afford it no? I know you said you wouldn't accept it but you can't reject a birthday present.

I would hate to be friends with Joan

Me too, who wants to be friends with a 40yo Regina George?

Joan would have shit her hole full with me before this incident tbf.

This!

You don't owe them any explanation. They were intrusive to change the plan. How utterly obnoxious.

I reckon they think you're suggesting something inexpensive because you don't want to burden them.

They think it's unfair that you helped them to celebrate with something lavish, and don't want to short-change you.

Either be honest in the chat or confide in one of them who can come in and veto it, following which you will heartily agree with them.

If you were my friend, I'd hate that this was upsetting you.