Mortified over 40th wwyd?

[dappledeverglade]

NC for this.

I have a friendship group (8 of us originally) dropped to 6 lately with a few others moving away. We have been good friends for 10 yrs plus, kids were all in primary school together. The dc have gone their separate ways at secondary level, but the friendship has remained as strong as ever. We see each other regularly, and I considered them good friends.

My dhs business isn’t doing very well, and my hours have been reduced, and as a result we’ve had to really rein in our expenses.

My friends have done some great things for their 40ths and I’m the last. I booked a a morning craft class and we will make and take away the finished product, followed by a lunch in a restaurant that is one of the nicest in the area. I had planned to decorate it really nicely. Dh will cover the cost as part of my present. We will also go on holiday with dc in the summer, to a place that has historical significance and is part of my ancestry.

I sent a message to the group with the details last week, and friend A lets call her Joan said sounds great but this is your 40th let’s organise something better, and suggested a girls weekend away. Friend B agreed. Friend C chips in it is a 40th after alll. And so on. They have all now organised the place, the dates and are now looking at flight times.

I don’t want to go. I really can’t afford to go. The wknd isn’t even something I would like to do. It’s really mortifying that they think my idea is so bad it needs to be replaced by a new plan.

I don’t even know what to say and wish I could just cancel now. I am crying now, aware I haven’t replied for ages. I want to call it off. My dh feels awful and embarrassed. Wwyd?

I've voted unreasonable.
Not because of your feelings, which are completely understandable, but because you don't seem able to use your words.
You could write a perfectly lovely message to the group saying its your 40th and you don't fancy their plan. If no one likes yours you'll think of something else, but it needs to be within a budget you can afford.
Job done.

You need to be very clear to the group that this new plan isn’t happening.

Reply along the following lines…

“Sorry ladies but I think you’ve misunderstand my previous messages and that this IS the finalised plan.

Obviously I’ve carefully thought about what I’d like to do to celebrate my 40th and this is MY choice. I had assumed you’d all be happy to join me?

The trip sounds good so let’s save the info. to book at a later date, maybe for someone else’s celebration?”

Would you really let your supposed friends manipulate you into doing something you don’t want to do when it’s supposed to be an occasion to celebrate YOU?

Several good suggestions for messages, nip it in the bud now so they know you don't want to go away.

Oh fuck that shit - make 40 the year you stop letting Joan bulldoze your plans, put you down and generally behave like a massive piss-weasel toward you!

'Sorry ladies, I can't afford a weekend away, and I actually really wanted to do the craft activity and have a nice meal out. So I'll be booking that this week, please let me know if you're coming by ..... '

Birthdays are, on the whole, the time you get to do what YOU want (as long as what you want doesn't cost others the fucking earth and make wildly unreasonable demands of them obviously). So fuck Joan and fuck her weekend away.

I wouldn't be bothered upsetting Joan! Or being friends with her.

You also don't have to organise anything if you don't want to/money is tight. Fair enough if you do want to but your real friends shouldn't expect it and should understand if you don't.

If you politely (but firmly) explain about sticking to your original plan and they all go on holiday anyway, honestly I think you're better off stepping away from the group, hard though it is.

Come on, ffs. Just be brave and say “I don’t want to go away for my birthday, sorry. I want to paint mugs. If you don’t want to come that’s fine but that’s what I want to do. Let me know if you’re coming for numbers, thanks”

I think the key issue is that I had spoken to one or two of them about the idea I had when they asked me.
It feels like they all knew, as they were way too quick to agree altogether. It moved so fast that I missed half of the messages. By the time I read it they were on to dates, had agreed the place.
It felt pre planned.
Maybe it wasn’t.

Joan said it in a very confident way, it didn’t feel like a question, just that this was happening and that’s that.

I voted YABU because it’s crazy to me that you say these are good friends and yet you can’t just say ‘money is tight for DH and I, I won’t be able to afford a weekend away.’

Why don’t you feel able to say this?

There’s no point in paying for and doing something you don’t want to do

So say no to that. The message in pp is fine use something like that

Don’t be bulldozed into that. Your plans sound lovely. I hope you put your foot down and tell them you will be sticking with your original plan.

If that is what you want to do for your birthday, how can something else be better?

I booked a a morning craft class and we will make and take away the finished product, followed by a lunch in a restaurant that is one of the nicest in the area.

Will everyone pay for themselves?

This ⬆️

Do you feel able to say you can't afford it, or are you too embarrassed to do that (no judgement, it's just that might help others in terms of advising what to say)?

For the record I think your thing sounds much better.

I’ve had to turn down something recently which friends suggested and I know I would not enjoy in the slightest- I just said “Thanks for the suggestion but it’s not my year for doing X. I’ve got loads on at the moment what with [work, kids, hobbies, caring stuff] so it’s just not going to be possible. I’d love to do [something much smaller and cheaper] though so come back to me if your plans change.”

They understood perfectly and as they are good friends- no comeback at all. Obviously I wouldn’t have an issue with them doing the bigger thing without me at all.

Sorry OP they are being really rude

As others have said, I'd send a short assertive message saying that you can't go away at the moment but they are welcome to continue with the trip they have planned. You'll be sticking with your original plan so to let you know by x date if they can make it

Yes but that also opens up the possibility that they'll offer to pay for her, so she'd be on a weekend she doesn't want to do anywya!

I don’t know why people can’t just be honest with their friends? It’s a minor issue that doesn’t need to be agonised over or cried about.

Just say “oh that sounds great but I just fancied a low key one for my 40th so want to stick to the original plan doing xyz. Hope you can all still make it x”.

Make a vow that your 40th is the day you stop being a doormat and have the confidence to stand up for yourself.

So what if it the trip was pre-planned by Joan and some others? Just tell them to crack on but you’re not coming as it’s not what you want to do.

They’re hardly going to come and pack your suitcase for you, are they? 😂

So I have messaged now and said thanks but can’t do the weekend away due to the budget restraints this year. I explained I am visiting my mother’s home country.

You are right I need to nip this in the bud, as I really don’t want to go! It’s not even about the money.

I don’t want to make them sit through my lunch and crafts if they think it is going to be boring to them. I know it’s not amazing or exciting but it felt reasonable to me. Given our money problems. I just thought they would be happy and enthusiastic regardless, and they aren’t.

Yep just find your voice op

Whack it up on the WhatsApp and let people come to your thing

As you are about to become 40, you are hopefully going to receive the best gift of all, that of not giving a shit increased confidence.

“No thanks, that’s not something I would enjoy (surprised to see it suggested as thought you all knew me better than that 🤷🏻‍♀️). I would love you to celebrate my birthday with the plans I have already but understand if it’s not your kind of thing - I chose it because it’s something I will love and after all, it’s my birthday 🎂

Please let me know if you will be joining me to celebrate so I can confirm numbers. Cheers.”

In your situation I’d just go very simple- “for my birthday I’d prefer to stick to X this year, would be great if you can join me, just let me know.”

Well done op x

Yes I'd much rather do your day OP than clubbing in Magaluf / Dubai / Mykonos