Mortified over 40th wwyd?

[dappledeverglade]

NC for this.

I have a friendship group (8 of us originally) dropped to 6 lately with a few others moving away. We have been good friends for 10 yrs plus, kids were all in primary school together. The dc have gone their separate ways at secondary level, but the friendship has remained as strong as ever. We see each other regularly, and I considered them good friends.

My dhs business isn’t doing very well, and my hours have been reduced, and as a result we’ve had to really rein in our expenses.

My friends have done some great things for their 40ths and I’m the last. I booked a a morning craft class and we will make and take away the finished product, followed by a lunch in a restaurant that is one of the nicest in the area. I had planned to decorate it really nicely. Dh will cover the cost as part of my present. We will also go on holiday with dc in the summer, to a place that has historical significance and is part of my ancestry.

I sent a message to the group with the details last week, and friend A lets call her Joan said sounds great but this is your 40th let’s organise something better, and suggested a girls weekend away. Friend B agreed. Friend C chips in it is a 40th after alll. And so on. They have all now organised the place, the dates and are now looking at flight times.

I don’t want to go. I really can’t afford to go. The wknd isn’t even something I would like to do. It’s really mortifying that they think my idea is so bad it needs to be replaced by a new plan.

I don’t even know what to say and wish I could just cancel now. I am crying now, aware I haven’t replied for ages. I want to call it off. My dh feels awful and embarrassed. Wwyd?

I'm so cross for you OP, i really hope they have responded to you now! Your plan sounds lovely and mych more interesting than just getting drunk in a club.

@hheyhopotato yes she fucking cab reject it if it's something she doesn't want to do!

I agree with you and your dh. Its your 40th and they have behaved awfully.

You chose something you would like to do and they are supposed to be your best friends yet instead of going with this to make you happy, they have chosen something totally different, that you would not like and they know that

One of my friends is having a spa day for her birthday next weekend...really not my thing but it is hers so I'm going. And I'll enjoy it as I love my friend and want her to enjoy her birthday celebrations.

I'm sorry to say but they dont sound like good friends.

If you feel like you can, I think you should tell them how bad they have made you feel...they deserve to be called out on this

Spent ages planning something it sounds they should know full well OP would have hated? By someone with form for digs and put-downs?

Nah, not getting that vibe, especially with Joan's input. And they would have responded right away with apologies and alternative suggestions if that were the case.

I really don’t understand people sometimes.

If they are your good friends wouldn’t they know about your husbands business and reduced hours?

Instead of sitting there crying why wouldn’t you just say what others have proposed and don’t want to go away for the weekend?

TBH the lunch sounds really lovely. The craft thing is maybe a you thing but doesn’t sound fun at all but yes I would go if my friends wanted to.

Deal with the issue which will
make you feel better rather than feeling sorry for yourself.

I’m so sorry @AnotherNameChange1234567 . My view is an invitee goes along with what the host plans. Honestly, some of the things my friends have planned have been bloody awful. Do they know I think that? No - because I have just gone along and shut up and put up because - it’s their day! And I want my friend to have the best day, even if I hate it I’m big enough to put up with it for a day.

Just message again and say, if you all want to go away for a weekend can you do it on a different date and also let me know if you’re going to join me for my quieter celebrations as originally planned?

For my friends birthdays over the years when invited to anything - even things I’m not mad about, I have always been really happy to go and join them. I would never reply with another idea that seemed better to me! I just couldn’t do that.
I am amazed to be in this position.

Still no reply for anyone. It’s feeling awkward now.

Do they normally pay for your for the birthday things they have done?

Perhaps they are feeling bad because they didn't realise you are struggling.
Fwiw lunch and crafts sounds like a great activity to me.
Hopefully they'll message you soon and it'll get sorted out

I think I’d put up

well that’s left me feeling awkward about my own birthday plans - be great if anyone could reply and let me know if they’d like to come, instead of leaving me feeling shit

it’s plain rude to have an invite to someone’s birthday event, first they change it and then when it’s changed back, they don’t reply

id call them out with the above message or something similar

I have a few friends that love going away and would take any excuse to make it a weekend. It's not about you, it's just an ocassion. So don't take it personally and your reply was perfect. It's your 40th, do what you want. If they don't want to join, do something with DH.

I have seen this happen recently, with a hen do. The hen is a close friend and she felt really sad that the MOH organised an abroad hen do because it meant most of her closest friends couldn't go!! She didn't speak up (when the plan was presented to her deposits for flights had been paid) so she had a very expensive hen do with a group of lovely women but no one there was close to her other than the MOH...

If they were actual friends they would have taken the time to consider what she wanted. She says in her posts that the whole girls weekend away is not something she would enjoy. She has decided what she wants to do for her birthday and they should have respected that. Joan has been quite rude to suggest her plan is better than OPs.

Leave it for tonight and then once the dust has settled see how you feel. But you’d be well within your rights to say that you’d decided against crafting and maybe you could all plan a catch up later in the year - I can totally understand why you feel like it’s tainted and forced now x

Nooo don't post another message. Yet.

Thanks for your suggestion but I want to do what I've said. If you don't fancy it then please let me know by end of tomorrow. A weekend away is not my choice. Do not be bullied into paying for something you can't afford never mind don't want to do.

I think they think they’re being kind encouraging you to do something more exciting and more in line with their celebrations. The don’t want you to feel like the also ran with the crappier celebration. If you haven’t told them about your money problems how would you know? Presumably they wouldn’t have suggested it if they were aware.

How are you feeling about going ahead with your plans now, given the silence?

It's ok for you to post again saying 'it's very quiet in here. If you don't want to do it, that's fine. I'll do something with DH/family instead' - as long as it's something you are willing to stick to.

If they didn't want to attend they should have given an excuse, not suggested a different activity entirely.

Very rude. And then not to reply.
Not surprised you are upset.

Well you shouldn’t. It’s your birthday, it’s your choice what you do. Are they waiting for ‘Joan’ to reply so she can tell everyone what to think first 🙄 Xx

I think you need to not let this taint the original plan, let’s give the others the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they thought this would be something nice for you?

It might just be me but personally I’m not really up for weekends away with big groups of women any more. Did it in my 20s, huge fun, but these days I just find it expensive and mentally exhausting. There’s usually someone who constantly takes over the conversation with personal issues, someone else who’s miserable/ difficult and it’s just too long without a bit of peace and quiet for me. I much prefer lunches or a 1-1 night away.

They just don’t want you to feel like the odd one out with the slightly lame birthday. I’m sure they wouldn’t realise you would feel like you do. They clearly didn’t realise money is an issue.

Everyone tends to just pay as they host. Over the years we were able to afford nicer things.

I was honest about dh business, said things were very slow. They do know. Albeit not going into masses of detail about finances but enough to say I was worried that the slow down would continue for us.

If they had suggested Rome or somewhere I would enjoy, it would seemed more likely it was coming from a good place but this weekend is my worst nightmare. Think European party central. Some people would love it, but I have always been a quieter person.

The not replying is so rude!

Do they all usually follow Joan's lead?

Ah this is hurtful OP - I do sympathise