Mortified over 40th wwyd?

[dappledeverglade]

NC for this.

I have a friendship group (8 of us originally) dropped to 6 lately with a few others moving away. We have been good friends for 10 yrs plus, kids were all in primary school together. The dc have gone their separate ways at secondary level, but the friendship has remained as strong as ever. We see each other regularly, and I considered them good friends.

My dhs business isn’t doing very well, and my hours have been reduced, and as a result we’ve had to really rein in our expenses.

My friends have done some great things for their 40ths and I’m the last. I booked a a morning craft class and we will make and take away the finished product, followed by a lunch in a restaurant that is one of the nicest in the area. I had planned to decorate it really nicely. Dh will cover the cost as part of my present. We will also go on holiday with dc in the summer, to a place that has historical significance and is part of my ancestry.

I sent a message to the group with the details last week, and friend A lets call her Joan said sounds great but this is your 40th let’s organise something better, and suggested a girls weekend away. Friend B agreed. Friend C chips in it is a 40th after alll. And so on. They have all now organised the place, the dates and are now looking at flight times.

I don’t want to go. I really can’t afford to go. The wknd isn’t even something I would like to do. It’s really mortifying that they think my idea is so bad it needs to be replaced by a new plan.

I don’t even know what to say and wish I could just cancel now. I am crying now, aware I haven’t replied for ages. I want to call it off. My dh feels awful and embarrassed. Wwyd?

You really need to rethink your friends as these do not sound like friends or anything like you (from your brief messages here). Why are you spending your 40th with these people? What’s wrong with just you and your family doing something special and affordable?

If they really must be part of this, just text ‘Woah, can we slow down with the planning as I’m only just catching up. Whilst this sounds nice, it’s not really my vibe. I’ve put lots of thought into what I’d like to do for my birthday and this is what I’ve planned. Please let me know if you fancy attending so I can get something booked’.

Do not let them railroad you into doing something you don’t want to do and can’t afford EVER! Being a people pleaser is soul destroying. Don’t be afraid to end friendships with people that don’t respect you and aren’t actually that nice.

I'm glad you've messaged them now. For what it's worth, I think your original plan sounds great, whereas Joan's would fill me with absolute dread.

Since Joan has form for criticising your plans I think you should be a bit more direct. More along the lines of:

Woah! You know clubs aren’t my thing. This weekend trip sounds like a great trip for your birthday Joan, but I’m very much a [craft you picked] type of gal and really don’t want a weekend away.

If any of you would like to celebrate my 40th with me doing what I’d like to do, please let me know by X so I can book.

Agree with previous poster that you just need to be more confident about it. If your friends really don’t want to do things you like for your birthday, it’s probably best to find that out so you can move on.

I will be paying for everything

I’m really sorry @dappledeverglade that must have felt very hurtful to be hijacked like that. Really pleased you stuck to your guns - I might make my 40th resolution to get rid of these frenemies

My initial instinct OP if you are crying and your DH feels awful and embarrassed is to call it off

What did your friends do for their birthdays?

Agree with this - it’s awful !

Well done OP, hopefully they will understand and revert back to the original suggestion. If Joan starts forcing the issue maybe use the ‘very happy to do that for my/your 50th’ excuse just to shut it down.

The problem is I'm sure the OP doesn't feel like celebrating with them at all now, I wouldn't.

Very mean of them, not true friends imo.

You need to tell them the truth about your finances atm - you should ne able to do that with real friends. Their answer to that should be "sorry dappledeverglade - of course we'll do whatever you want in the circs". Anything else should tell you what you need to know about these "friends".

For reference my group of friends had a night out planned recently that we were all looking forward to and when one recently divorced friend messaged to say she'd had a very difficult month and couldn't afford to come we had a night in (80's night in our pj's) at hers instead to cheer her up. That's true friendship.

Me too. I would be really looking forward to it. There's nothing crap about it, new activity and nice dinner. It sounds great.
Also, to breeze past your lovely invite is so rude.

I think you need to be more confident over your plans. A craft day and food sounds like a great plan.

Have they actually said they didn't want to do that?
I also wouldn't expect someone to be paying for me, not sure why you are?

I think that is it, Joan doesn’t really respect me. I am not really surprised this has happened with her, because she often embarrasses people commenting on their cooking etc. I just didn’t think she would be like this over my birthday.
The others in the group are quieter like me. This particular craft is one I know at least 4 of them would definitely enjoy. I didn’t just choose it randomly.

Well done for being direct. I'm really sorry they were rude about your lovely birthday plans - I'd infinitely prefer your day to a stressful and expensive weekend clubbing in Ibiza. (Not least because a couple of my friends did a day like yours last weekend for a family member's birthday and I was so jealous of the lovely things they made!)

OP, did you quietly allow them to organise it without saying it wasn’t what you wanted? (That’s not a criticism btw, just checking how it’s unfolded!)

I think if you haven’t protested and they’ve paid money for stuff, it’s really difficult to get out of now. (Could you confide in someone from the group you really trust?)

It’s annoying of Joan.

But on the other hand, you have 6 friends who want you to have a nice birthday and are happy to spend their time and money on making that happen. Sorry to be annoying but a lot of people don’t have that – count your blessings, things could be much, much worse.

You need to stand up for yourself. I think your plans should perfect, and I would much prefer that to the weekend away (if they all say no, give me a shout 😁).

Based on your most recent message I would say something like

'Woah, hold up now! If you all want a weekend away, that's great, feel free. I do appreciate you thinking about doing that for my birthday, but it's not what I want to do (and even if I did, I wouldn't be able to make it). For my birthday, as I said, I want to do X craft morning followed by lunch at X restaurant on X date. If you want to come (to both or to just the restaurant), let me know so I can book.'

You are paying for them all to have the meal AND the arts craft? That could come to the cost of a weekend away!

Big parties with marquees. London days out etc. Multiple different events. Can’t elaborate much more. One had a party in her garden but it was catered, simple and so lovely.

It's just horrible and so so rude
I would be happy to do some crafts despite not being vastly into that if it was for my good friend and was what she wanted.

Well done for refusing the weekend away idea
I think if you know the others ( or at least some of them) would like your plan then just hold your head up high and say that you still want to go with your plan and whoever wants to can join you no pressure if anyone doesn't want to (hoping queen bee doesn't)

The craft class isn’t much, the restaurant is a fixed price lunch menu. It’s nothing like their plan that is now including flights, hotel etc.

Did you not read that this isn’t simply a cost issue? The weekend away Joan has planned is not the sort of thing OP likes to do.

Sorry, that was a cross post - I was in the middle of drafting it when the phone went, and op posted while I was on the phone.

Well done for being true to yourself!

Not one person has replied…
It feels like they are discussing what to do between them. As usually someone would reply by now.

It’s really not you that should be mortified it this awful coven of women! This is not how you treat a friend, an invite for that matter!

FWIW I think your day sounds great, I love doing an ‘activity’ and think it’s beyond generous you offering to fund the afternoon.

My friends and I all turn 40 in the next 6 months, we’ve paid for ourselves when marking the birthday and been gracious when accepting the invite.

I too would save the money and spend it on a night away with your DH. It sounds like things have been challenging for you both and you certainly don’t need a group of Ill mannered women causing more issues!

Urgh I hate that feeling