Mortified over 40th wwyd?

[dappledeverglade]

NC for this.

I have a friendship group (8 of us originally) dropped to 6 lately with a few others moving away. We have been good friends for 10 yrs plus, kids were all in primary school together. The dc have gone their separate ways at secondary level, but the friendship has remained as strong as ever. We see each other regularly, and I considered them good friends.

My dhs business isn’t doing very well, and my hours have been reduced, and as a result we’ve had to really rein in our expenses.

My friends have done some great things for their 40ths and I’m the last. I booked a a morning craft class and we will make and take away the finished product, followed by a lunch in a restaurant that is one of the nicest in the area. I had planned to decorate it really nicely. Dh will cover the cost as part of my present. We will also go on holiday with dc in the summer, to a place that has historical significance and is part of my ancestry.

I sent a message to the group with the details last week, and friend A lets call her Joan said sounds great but this is your 40th let’s organise something better, and suggested a girls weekend away. Friend B agreed. Friend C chips in it is a 40th after alll. And so on. They have all now organised the place, the dates and are now looking at flight times.

I don’t want to go. I really can’t afford to go. The wknd isn’t even something I would like to do. It’s really mortifying that they think my idea is so bad it needs to be replaced by a new plan.

I don’t even know what to say and wish I could just cancel now. I am crying now, aware I haven’t replied for ages. I want to call it off. My dh feels awful and embarrassed. Wwyd?

What a shame your supposed friends can't just say "how lovely, of course we would love to join for however you would like to celebrate your 40th".
If they're all fine financially it surely doesn't matter if it's not their first choice of activity.

Friendships do change over time, this is perhaps the sign that the group is not as it was.

If they are good friends just be very clear about your financial situation.

For my 50th my partners business had gone bust and we were skint. I told all my friends about it because it was a huge thing in my life and I needed support. I didn't do anything for my birthday, I couldn't afford it.

Cheeky bints - who does that?! I've never really done the crafty thing but would be thrilled to attend and spend an afternoon making things with my friends. Awful of them to bulldoze over your plan.

Id just be totally honest and say "I can't afford a weekend away". My gf's and I have been mates for years and we tend to just occasionally meet for meals etc when we go out as 5 out of the 8 of us don't have much money, we mainly have girls nights at one another's houses. Myself and the other two who could afford it are hyper aware of not wanting to suggest things that cost too much.

Going against the grain here, I don’t think your friends are being awful at all. The way I see it is you’ve all done big celebrations for each of their 40ths and they are wanting to do the same for you. They are your friends and surely would never upset you intentionally, you mentioned money being tight in your post - what would you have done if money was what it was before DHs business was struggling?

Let your friends know what is going on, you don’t have to go into detail if you don’t want to of course. I am sure they will be very understanding and will celebrate how you would like to

I'd personally cancel the craft class, why waste the money if they don't want to go.

Send a message saying your weekend away sounds great but not for me. I've altered birthday booking to lunch only. Let me know if you can make it so I can reserve the table.

Don't worry or overthink it. It they want a weekend they can

"No thanks Joan, I don't fancy a weekend away for my birthday. Can you all please let me know by X date if you wish to come?"

“Sorry, as lovely as it sounds the weekend away is out of my budget at the moment. I’d love to do the craft and lunch though, so please let me know if you can make it”.

You have to send a message to all of them explaining why you can't do this. Don't wait or some of them will make bookings.

I think you just need to be more confident and don't let them bulldoze over your plans.

'Thanks ladies, I think you are getting a little carried away! If you want to do the mini break could you please look into a different date as for my birthday I would really like to do the craft class and meal. If you wish to attend then please let me know by x date so I know who to include in the booking'

It isn't lame at all! I'd love to do a craft morning followed by lunch with my best friends xxx

Butt it's her birthday and it's what she wants to do. Her friends should go along to celebrate it her way.

“Whoah everyone! Sounds fab but can we save it for my 50th please? Not able to splash the cash this year xxx”

And FGS, what is wrong with lunch at a lovely restaurant?

You're definitely overthinking it. Just message and say you don't fancy going away for your 40th and you're really into the crafting and dinner idea. If you feel comfortable you could say you don't want to spend a lot more as you're saving for other things.
They are your friends, they probably will just want you to enjoy yourself. Don't worry about it.

No sure, that’s fair enough. But it’s a different issue to assuming someone else’s finances

Hey excuse me Amanda, whose birthday is this? If you want to organise a trip when it's your birthday I'll join in if I can afford it at the time. I've already made my plans for my birthday as detailed, I would love for you to join me but let me know either way and I'll adjust numbers accordingly.

Phone whoever you are closest to in the group and explain and get them to explain to your Amanda friend that you want to do your original plan.

Can’t you take the positive, they are trying to do something nice, to celebrate your birthday with you. If you could afford it, would you have picked this? Be honest.

and if they don’t know you can’t afford it, but thought you’d like it, then maybe just say, sorry money is tight, let’s stick to original 0lan, another time.

I would love the craft class and a meal somewhere nice, sounds lovely.

Just tell them no, this is what you want to be honest, it was rude of them to suggest something else to try and trump your plans/idea.

I'd even just end up going with my hubby, then the meal and then a dirty and nasty sex session for after ;) a perfect 40th celebration

Joan doesn't sound like a great friend tbh, criticising your clothes. I know people like this and they're not my friends anymore, I just grin and bare them if have to do something for my little one with them.

YANBU

Think it's really bitchy of them to do this and I suspect that they (or at least the instigator) know exactly what they are doing.

Celebrate your 40th with your husband instead.

🎂🎁🎉🥂

IF I had more money maybe we would have gone to London for the day perhaps to a more expensive place, but actually I am low key. That’s how I am.
The weekend involves something they know I wouldn’t enjoy. Think more hen do type of place.
It does feel like Joan has replaced my birthday plans with the ones she would like to do.

I accept she might just want me to have a fun birthday maybe by why choose a club type place? I’m not into that kind of stuff at all, and they all know that.

I don’t see the point using money we don’t have for a birthday lunch no one wants to go to. I am so upset, it also feels like it’s already been discussed. On another chat maybe?

It's your birthday and you're inviting them not summoning them! If they don't want to do what you had in mind they can either (a) politely decline or (b) be decent friends and do it anyway for the sake of you having the birthday you want!

OP I think you're probably right about them having another WhatsApp group.

Ah so it feels like they had this plan up their sleeve all along?

I'm sorry, it's shit of them. In that case I think I'd consider phasing them out. Nasty bitches.

tell them what you told us x