Mortified over 40th wwyd?

[dappledeverglade]

NC for this.

I have a friendship group (8 of us originally) dropped to 6 lately with a few others moving away. We have been good friends for 10 yrs plus, kids were all in primary school together. The dc have gone their separate ways at secondary level, but the friendship has remained as strong as ever. We see each other regularly, and I considered them good friends.

My dhs business isn’t doing very well, and my hours have been reduced, and as a result we’ve had to really rein in our expenses.

My friends have done some great things for their 40ths and I’m the last. I booked a a morning craft class and we will make and take away the finished product, followed by a lunch in a restaurant that is one of the nicest in the area. I had planned to decorate it really nicely. Dh will cover the cost as part of my present. We will also go on holiday with dc in the summer, to a place that has historical significance and is part of my ancestry.

I sent a message to the group with the details last week, and friend A lets call her Joan said sounds great but this is your 40th let’s organise something better, and suggested a girls weekend away. Friend B agreed. Friend C chips in it is a 40th after alll. And so on. They have all now organised the place, the dates and are now looking at flight times.

I don’t want to go. I really can’t afford to go. The wknd isn’t even something I would like to do. It’s really mortifying that they think my idea is so bad it needs to be replaced by a new plan.

I don’t even know what to say and wish I could just cancel now. I am crying now, aware I haven’t replied for ages. I want to call it off. My dh feels awful and embarrassed. Wwyd?

Good grief it's like you're personally invested in this and are one of the friends. As a pp said to you bless tying yourself in knots

Because it’s an ordinary day out that they could do for any birthday and the friends we suggesting doing something more special for a landmark birthday.

Quite.

And that attitude alone about something the birthday girl had chosen herself and invited the others to go to AT HER EXPENSE is incredibly rude.

If you want some tips for your Scottish weekend, more than happy to try and help.

I’m a ‘grew up in London commuter land but Scotland is now home’ girl and pre child (who’s now 3) we had a regular habit of weekends away across Scotland.
Not done all of it by a long stretch but if you’re going somewhere I know can come up with some alternatives to your mums!

But it's what she wanted to do. Why do their wishes trump hers?

Your 40th, your choice. It’s bad form for anyone to say ‘let’s do something better’. However tell them before the plans are too late to cancel.

@dappledeverglade

Can’t you just take yourself off to pottery and tell the rest of them to celebrate ‘in absentia’??
I honestly couldn’t be doing with any of this. I’d just say, I’m making a pot - join me if you want otherwise ‘f.off’.

I don’t necessarily think people are over- egging it but it’s because a few posters seem to be stubbornly making excuses for her friends bad behaviour that other posters have came back to reiterate and emphasise that it was inexcusable and clearly not well-intentioned.

From another perspective - because posters are stubbornly overegging the bitchy mean girl narrative and trying to gleefully convince OP these are not her friends - without giving OP credit for intelligence in friendship choices, albeit Joan’s a bit overbearing - or that her friends might actually like her, other posters are emphasising a different view.

I have read the thread…
Surely they should have waited for an enthusiastic “yes” from OP before ploughing time and energy into researching a trip that doesn’t sound like her thing anyway.
I agree that the friends may have been trying to suggest a weekend away, up until the point where Friend B tries to guilt trip her and Joan and the others haven’t even responded (apart from C). I would be utterly mortified and full of apologies if I had made a friend feel bad in this way, well intentioned or not.
I also think OP should give herself some cooling off time before detonating these relationships if they are good friends of long standing, but I definitely think they owe her an apology.

The group know that OP's financial situation has changed recently which is why she organised some lower key, less expensive activities for her birthday. She had also mentioned what she was planning with a couple of members of the group who said that they would enjoy it.

Without any consultation with OP, Joan then organised an expensive weekend away at a European 'party' resort, with the expectation that, in addition to her travel and accommodation, OP would pay for the meals and activities for everyone on her actual birthday.

When OP said that she didn't want to go on this holiday, other members of the group then tried to guilt trip OP by telling her how disappointed Joan was after all her hard work to organise the trip.

I don't see any good intention behind this. Joan organised the type of celebration that she would enjoy, not taking OP's preferences (or financial circumstances) into consideration at all.

Oh FFS!
We're on page 10

Maybe you shouldn't have wasted your time

It sounds like a miscommunication as they thought she was on board as she didn’t say she wasn’t.

I can understand if they didn’t realise she wasn’t up for it that they would be upset if she pulled out once time and effort had been out into the planning.

We can all say I would have done x or y online but life is full of miscommunication and omnishambles.

It's just embarrassing now

"Honesty is rare enough nowadays to make you pleasantly conspicuous" is something I read a while ago. If your friends don't understand and sympathise they aren't friends

It was with consultation with OP if you read the first post. It was suggested on WhatsApp to all of them including the OP and OP didn’t say immediately - no I’m not up for it. Which is presumably how this snowballed.

But they didn’t need to put time and effort into the planning in the first place. OP had already planned and organised the celebration she wanted.

If they didn’t want to go, they should have declined, not pressed ahead with organising a completely different type of event somewhere they knew OP didn’t like (but the organiser does).

If OP didn’t want to go she needed to say straight up - thanks for the suggestion but I don’t want to go abroad and I’m happier with my original plan. If that had happened we wouldn’t be having this discussion.

Awww Op im so sorry to hear this im 54 and never had my big birthdays celebrated by friends or family i get a card and pressent off my 2 boys as there gf remind me , only other person is my Dad he always spoils me , wine chocs and we sometimes go for a meal had a lovely football mams group odd nights out but no invites to big birthday celebrations which did hurt but used to being over looked go with your dh and family and enjoy it x🌷

But I don’t get why the friends would even suggest it - very rude of them to say OP’s plans weren’t good enough. Actual friends wouldn’t have done that.

Op said

. It moved so fast that I missed half of the messages. By the time I read it they were on to dates, had agreed the place.
It felt pre planned.

she wasn’t given a chance

Perhaps they thought it might be fun? Nothing to do with “good enough” that’s a insecure interpretation, just let’s do something more special and out of the ordinary for a landmark birthday. Paris, Rome, Ibiza - why not? One of my friends went riding in Idaho for a week for her 40th. You can go to a local craft place any day.

Then they could have arranged it for one of their own birthdays not hijacked the OP’s.

Exactly! To even suggest an alternative when she'd already booked what she wanted to do on HER birthday was rude.

What it comes down to is people not respecting the OPs choice in what to do for her birthday. That is just plain rude no matter how they try to justify it.