Mortified over 40th wwyd?

[dappledeverglade]

NC for this.

I have a friendship group (8 of us originally) dropped to 6 lately with a few others moving away. We have been good friends for 10 yrs plus, kids were all in primary school together. The dc have gone their separate ways at secondary level, but the friendship has remained as strong as ever. We see each other regularly, and I considered them good friends.

My dhs business isn’t doing very well, and my hours have been reduced, and as a result we’ve had to really rein in our expenses.

My friends have done some great things for their 40ths and I’m the last. I booked a a morning craft class and we will make and take away the finished product, followed by a lunch in a restaurant that is one of the nicest in the area. I had planned to decorate it really nicely. Dh will cover the cost as part of my present. We will also go on holiday with dc in the summer, to a place that has historical significance and is part of my ancestry.

I sent a message to the group with the details last week, and friend A lets call her Joan said sounds great but this is your 40th let’s organise something better, and suggested a girls weekend away. Friend B agreed. Friend C chips in it is a 40th after alll. And so on. They have all now organised the place, the dates and are now looking at flight times.

I don’t want to go. I really can’t afford to go. The wknd isn’t even something I would like to do. It’s really mortifying that they think my idea is so bad it needs to be replaced by a new plan.

I don’t even know what to say and wish I could just cancel now. I am crying now, aware I haven’t replied for ages. I want to call it off. My dh feels awful and embarrassed. Wwyd?

I have. I do.

Agreed. I don’t think it’s helpful for the OP. But I’m sure she will sort this out.

no but the adult POLITE thing to do is to decline politely.

Unless you know the size, the payroll, the turnover, how much profit is reinvested, what dividend the husband takes, you wouldn’t have a clue.

Few people know how much I take out of my business and it varies widely from year to year.

but that wasn't the plan. They expected her to cough up for her share and take them out to dinner while away.

Agreed. Not really worth the fuss.

No one should take over your plans, sounds like they are doing it for themselves to get away. Unless they're all going g to chip in and pay for it, just be honest. Though maybe a night out rather than a lunch may be more appealing, just an idea. Xx

Friend E sounds like a true friend to me - why not contact the other two that drifted away and organise something for the four of you? Joan sounds totally obnoxious to me!!

There's two ways to consider it. One these friends she's had for years want to celebrate her birthday in a big way got carried away and maybe read the situation wrong. Two these friends she's had for years just want a free dinner in the sun.

If you love someone, and history with them has been consistent kindness and closeness, I'd always look for the best. If she tells them and they're awful about it different story. But friends of this long its worth just starting with honesty

I didn't see that bit. I just wouldn't go.

That makes them awful.

excpet read the OP Joan has form for being a snarky queen bee.

The OP isn't in that situation though, so this isn't relevant for her dilemma. It is the OP's situation people are discussing, not yours. Stop trying to make it about

Yeah and it’s a bit insensitive to essentially say that because someone doesn’t have a friend/partner that others can’t complain about poor treatment from said friends/partner.

I was single for most of my adult life but if a friend ever complained to me their husband didn’t do enough for their birthday for example, I’d sympathise rather than just say “I’d love to have a partner so you should be grateful” 🙄

I don’t necessarily think people are over- egging it but it’s because a few posters seem to be stubbornly making excuses for her friends bad behaviour that other posters have came back to reiterate and emphasise that it was inexcusable and clearly not well-intentioned.

I don’t think I’ve seen anyone advocating for them to be burned at the stake or anything. Just saying OP should speak up for herself with a concise and direct message and also perhaps reconsider the friendships of this is how they’re making her feel. That’s very reasonable and not OTT.

‘Taking me away’ = organising the whole thing and I just turn up with a suitcase - it doesn’t mean bankrolling me.

wow just wow....so you have to do what they want for your birthday and you are expected to pay for it?

Scotland is a fantastic place to visit. If you go on the HP train at Fort William visit Loch Ness also x

I love that friend E reached out. Yes, this was after you cancelled original plans, but still, I would take her up on the offer.

As for the others…….

Blimey, I’d be a bit annoyed!
your idea sounds lovely and I’d have loved to have gone!
be honest and blunt if needed. Don’t explain too much as you don’t need to. If they don’t want to come have an amazing holiday with your family.
i love my friends but sometimes they can really let you down.

I have. I've also spent some feeling utterly disrespected and invisible amongst "friends"

I’ve cut our friends for having wildly different spending expectations.

I used to feel sick blowing £50 on afternoon tea
as a meet up with one friend.

Or the friend who’d ask for a £10 champagne Bellini whilst I was teetotal.

These weren’t for special occasions, it was just normal meet ups after work or weekends.

I cut them out early so didn’t waste £££ on them.

I’m glad you’ve said no to this.

Come on, I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt but that’s just crazy- who arranges an expensive trip abroad without the go-ahead from everyone who has to contribute financially??

They’d choose somewhere I’d like it’s not rocket science.

Way off topic, but if you ever do it - don’t go on the Harry Potter steam train.

Go on the bog standard Scotrail train, and pick times so you can watch the steam train go past or depart / arrive somewhere.

You get a better view of the scenery on the not steam train. You get a better view of the steam train watching it than being on it.
You save loads of money. Win all round.

But the OP had chosen what she would like and they tanked right over it.

I think the idea of a class and lunch out sounds lovely and chilled and I would much prefer that than having to make the effort of going away with people for an entire weekend. I think saying “let’s do something better” is incredibly rude. I don’t think you should be embarrassed at all. Scotland sounds lovely, I hope you enjoy it.

If you read the OP: a “girls weekend away” was “suggested” to the OP and others in the group who agreed it was a nice idea.

That’s the point at which OP had the opportunity to say yay or nay. Because OP didn’t say no the other women assumed she was on board and organised the place and looked into flights.

If a friend suggested to me a weekend away and other friends were keen then I’m up for it. So we can all go away. Why would expect them to pay for me?