Mortified over 40th wwyd?

[dappledeverglade]

NC for this.

I have a friendship group (8 of us originally) dropped to 6 lately with a few others moving away. We have been good friends for 10 yrs plus, kids were all in primary school together. The dc have gone their separate ways at secondary level, but the friendship has remained as strong as ever. We see each other regularly, and I considered them good friends.

My dhs business isn’t doing very well, and my hours have been reduced, and as a result we’ve had to really rein in our expenses.

My friends have done some great things for their 40ths and I’m the last. I booked a a morning craft class and we will make and take away the finished product, followed by a lunch in a restaurant that is one of the nicest in the area. I had planned to decorate it really nicely. Dh will cover the cost as part of my present. We will also go on holiday with dc in the summer, to a place that has historical significance and is part of my ancestry.

I sent a message to the group with the details last week, and friend A lets call her Joan said sounds great but this is your 40th let’s organise something better, and suggested a girls weekend away. Friend B agreed. Friend C chips in it is a 40th after alll. And so on. They have all now organised the place, the dates and are now looking at flight times.

I don’t want to go. I really can’t afford to go. The wknd isn’t even something I would like to do. It’s really mortifying that they think my idea is so bad it needs to be replaced by a new plan.

I don’t even know what to say and wish I could just cancel now. I am crying now, aware I haven’t replied for ages. I want to call it off. My dh feels awful and embarrassed. Wwyd?

Just be honest with them. If they don't like it, they can piss off quite frankly. Perhaps they think they're being kind if they're offering to cover your share? Explain you really want to do your planned activities and do not wish to go away this time.

”Hey, thanks so much for the thought everyone but I’m not up for a weekend away - doing XYZ would make me so happy, so please do join me for that.”

They are your close friends, why can’t you say what you have said to us, to them?

Just be honest with them before any more planning happens. Work hasn’t been going well, can’t afford something like that right now.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Life can be tough.

Good friends don't do this OP. Reiterate your plans, if they don't fancy it then they don't have to attend! Leave them to their holiday, cheeky bastards

You have to just be honest and say no. Reply "It's nice that you all want to go away but I'd really like to go with my original plan for my 40th. If you want the holiday, could you choose a different weekend." If they question it again repeat "yes this is really something I'd like to do, let me know if you want to be part of it and I'll book".

I agree with this. That's actually really horrible of them. As they pointed out its YOUR 40th so you should be the one to choose what you do. You need to tell them before it goes any further and flights are booked

I think this but instead up not up for I'd say can't afford to.

Sorry ladies that doesn't work for me but feel free to have a weekend away without me if you wish. Please could you all let me know if you can make the pottery event on the 20th as I need to confirm it. Thanks

They're your friends, so just be upfront. "Thanks for thinking of me, but a weekend away isn't in my budget right now. I'll be booking the craft class and resturant next Wednesday, please let me know if you can make it by Tuesday night"

I think to be honest it sounds like they're trying to be kind unless they're generally not nice I'd give them the benefit of the doubt.

Just say no!

Also 'yes it's MY 40th and this is what I'd like to do. Will you be coming?'

OP doesn’t want to do it, regardless of the money, and this might make them offer to pay.

Any chance they’re planning on paying your part of the weekend? I’d be honest and say I can’t afford a weekend away, this is what I’d like to do, please just let me know if you can come or not.

I think this is perfect

A generous assumption may be that OP has stayed quiet and not said no or discouraged the convo so they think she wants to go.

Other less generous assumptions can also be made.

But she doesn't want to go on the holiday anyway

Just be honest. Personally I’d hate to do a craft class, I just wouldn’t enjoy it at all. Maybe just do a meal.

Also I think you feel ashamed of your money situation. That's your perception not theirs. Just be straight with them.

Agree, use this - make it clear this is your preference. Send it now before they go any further!

Honesty is definitely the best policy here. ‘Not up for it’ sounds weird, whereas ‘can’t afford it right now’ cuts all further discussion.

It is also good for knowing who your true friends are. A true friend would be totally understanding whereas those who are ‘convenenience’ friends can easily be cut.

I disagree that they have been horrible. Presumably they have no idea OP is struggling financially right now. Sounds like they are just trying to be nice and organise something special for OP similar to what they all did.

Just talk to them OP, good friends will understand.

But she wants to do a craft class?

Then they don't have to go but if this was for my good friend's birthday I'd make the effort

Thank you. Just to not drip feed. Joan has form for criticising my plans, sometimes my clothes and the odd dig here and there. She is very wealthy ( think Amanda from motherland) and seems embarrassed for me. The others are just quite agreeable. So are not like that.

I’m so embarrassed because it’s not as lavish as their birthdays, and maybe it is just lame! I obviously don’t want to go with a birthday idea that everyone is quietly thinking is rubbish.

Just to be clear they are not offering to pay, and nor would I accept it.