Stuck with FIL cos DH works at a proper job ffs.

[Elderly]

I’ve spent ALL day, again, looking after DH FIL while DH goes to work. My own (freelance)work is getting pushed aside because it is IMPOSSIBLE to do anything.FIL is ok, but needs help to open emails etc, and today I’ve spent HOURS on the phone to the bank, and taking him to GP. and it feels like every five minutes he’s lost his pens, or he can’t use the microwave.
Tonight DH scarpers off to bed as soon as dinner is over, so I’m left with FIl, who, to be fair, washes up. I manage to persuaded FIL we all need an early night (8.30!😁) and DH yells from his room to ask if the heating is on. I’m so cross! The heating is, what 10 paces from his bed. Grrr.
DH response is,‘I’m tired.’ And to ask why I’m cross in a combative way. Err?!
I get that he has a difficult commute/ office job, but I have only just found a path after years of kids. I don’t want to look after anyone ever again, yet here I am.
help!

Fuck that shit.

'I haven't got a successful business because I am running round like a blue arsed fly looking after absolutely everything else, including your Father. I am not doing it any more, sort it yourself'.

Then find an office space to work from during the day, and fuck the lot of them.

You only get one life, they're happy for you to spaff it on the menial drudgery they can't be arsed with.

Well, DH is the main earner, as per OP.
That sets it up practically, doesn't it?

It also does not make you defacto carer for his parents.

You and he need a proper sit down talk about splitting the labour of FIL fairly. It sounds like he needs to employ a PA or befriender. Unless you have agreed to do it, he needs to be the one finding time to ring the doctors and take him to appointments.

Please don't either agree to it or fall into doing it without seriously considering the impact on you and your career/income.

Have a look on line at U3A (University of the 3rd Age) for your locality. it is a list of local groups for older/retired people to regularly get together to share their interests and hobbies, and meet new people. There may be some things on there for FIL to join which will enable him to get out of the house and socialise.

he said,‘you’re looking after FIL because you haven’t got a successful business’
I don’t know how to begin to deal with that sentence.

Very simple - "No you're looking after FIL as he's your father not mine"

he said,‘you’re looking after FIL because you haven’t got a successful business’.
I don’t know how to begin to deal with that sentence.

I'd find it very hard to get past that. It sounds as if your h takes you for granted and takes advantage of you. 💐

This!

You might not earn as much, but your time to earn is just as important. This isn’t just about paying the bills today, it’s about what happens to you tomorrow if your husband gets sick or dies. (Or just up and leaves you, but you don’t have to mention that scenario when you discuss this issue with him). You need to build your earning power because you need to be able to take care of yourself just in case he can’t do it anymore. He may not realize it, but by interfering with your time to work, your Husband is really saying he doesn’t care about your security.

building a freelance business can be a bit of a luxury. I would have a conversation re the above with him. If he still doesn’t get it, I would go get a paid job where you have to answer to someone. Even if it is wfh, you will still have commitments that can’t be broken.

It's doesn't seem like FIL's the problem. Your 'D' H certainly is though...

Elderly I'm so sorry about your DH. Has there been any movement at all towards relieving you of caring responsibilities or does that comment sum up your DH's attitude with no remorse?

If the latter, I think it's a clear sign to you that the only way to get a life you want (and it is, don't forget, your only life) is for you to do the things you are actually happy to do and simply refuse to do anything else. Put effort into your career and gain yourself some independence. Your DH's comment shows pretty clearly what contempt he has for your career, and for the effort you've put into caring for your kids and him up until now. If he gets "flu", don't cosset him. Maybe take to bed yourself.

No words. You've had other views on what an epic tool your husband is being.

Have you two discussed what's going to happen when your FIL moves into his new home "close by". How many evenings a week is DH going to swing by to make and eat dinner with him / keep the garden in order / take him grocery shopping / generally keep him company out of interest?

I'm not usually one for a "why don't you flounce off to a spa hotel for a week so your husband gets a taste of this" but do you have family you could need to visit urgently? Perhaps some minor surgery you've been putting off necessitating a week in convalescence somewhere nice [ok I know I'm fantasising here - the NHS would boot you out within hours and you'd be in the same position but sore]? A residential training course? A freelance job several hours away for a couple of weeks?

All that said. You are being very kind to your FIL and that's lovely.

Your husband and SIL are taking the piss though.

Maybe get FIL to write them out of his will - set you up for the future :) [only slightly joking]

Have you two discussed what's going to happen when your FIL moves into his new home "close by"

OP seems to have disappeared, @TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams, but while I also asked about FIL returning there who's to say he'll ever do it when the family seem happy with her running round after him?

TBH I'm surprised he bought it in the first place and wonder if the real intention was for DH/FIL to have a BTL "investment" instead ...

Seriously I’d go MAD, that such a rude, thoughtless thing to say. Your FIL sounds nice - his son is a pig.

Re: Going out all day while your DH is WFH to let him experience the disruption:

Beware that this could very easily backfire if it turns out that FIL respects his son's job much more than his DILs/doesn't think DH should or could do wifework and therefore DOESN'T pester him all day.

I would go with this - and congratulate myself from having resisted slapping him very hard across the face.

OP, he needs a verbal rocket. You say he ‘needs’ cosseting when he has ‘flu’ - no, he wants cosseting. I do not cosset my DH when he has a cold, and he does not expect it.

If mine told me I have to look after his father our marriage would be over.

Hello, sorry for some reason I didn’t realize this had a reply - thank you.
well it’s now June. FIL is STILL lurking around the house. He hasn’t moved into his yet. He can’t cook as the oven is gas and he needs electric. I am waiting for DH to sort this. To be fair, DH has had a lot on. I am my own worst enemy because I am not going round to help FIL sort. Maybe I should but I don’t see why I should sort the kitchen out. I’ve plumbed in the washing machine.
DH no longer gap has a lot on so I will make him sort out an oven tomorrow.
I am friendly to FIL but as he has now recovered he can make his own lunch etc.
he does help - washes up, irons etc. he is just always there. I find myself not wanting to come home and hiding in my room.
thats not good for anyone. DH out today, but he will get a rocket up his bum tomorrow.
thank you everyone for your advice. I am too much of a people pleaser and am learning not to be - it is SO refreshing to hear your reactions, so different to mine.

Still seems your DH takes priority over everyone.

Thank you Little bearpad does he? Maybe he does.
edited not much, just because I sounded wimpy even to me!

Was he out today working? Or doing something for himself?